I spent a lot of today sobbing. Mostly from the mid-morning on.
My eyes hurt.
It's just one of those days where I miss him in every little way, and I'm reminded, over and over. I can't not think about it.
I'm going to try to do something good tomorrow.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Find You
I have been trying to hold on to the good hours, moments, or even a day at a time now. I'm getting better at it, to a degree.
I made it through Hannukah, and had a really nice Shabbos this past week with my cousin cooking and singing.
As it gets closer to Christmas though, I keep thinking about the few we had together. All the ones we had imagined we would have in the future.
How much I suspected but dreaded that last year might have been his last Christmas and winter holidays with me; and how true it was.
I keep trying to remember the happy moments. How the awesome folks at ThinkGeek were to send him/us those gifts; they gave us his last Christmas.
I've been thinking about them lately, how kind they were to him, and us. My grief takes my words now sometimes, so I cannot figure out how to describe how thankful I am to them. Still.
His last one was a happy one.
I take comfort in that, though it still brings me to tears.
The house seems so much more lonely. I have been keeping the television on downstairs because just hearing a bit of extra noise makes me feel a bit better right now.
I took down the inflatable (twin) guest bed, and Leto is not happy about that. Somehow in the last few months he has outgrown the catbed I bought a bit ago for him. It is comically small compared to him even when he sleeps in the smallest ball he can. He's been sleeping on the guest bed at times over the last few weeks and I believe seems to have thought that was his new bed.
He lies down in the same spot in the room and will squeak at me.
He has been giving me a lot of comfort these past days/weeks.
He feels like a part of Wash that is still living.
The house gets emptier. Boxes to go out to be mailed to friends, or donated. Still so much more to go through. I manage so far to get through it in spurts.
It's putting me back in that state of shock I felt shortly after his passing; these holidays.
My mind hurts and numbs at the thought of waking up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without him next to me.
No making coffee or special breakfasts. My family is suddenly so much smaller, that my mind just denies the idea of a "family" gathering without him. I keep trying, but the very act of just trying to imagine what that day will hold, what I would say, do, feel; becomes so overwhelming my brain just tells me it is not true.
I fear being around people who are happy at this time. I fear being the one to "bring them down". To be the reminder now of mortality. To have any of my true emotions come through, to still grieve, while others might be trying to celebrate. So many fears.
My brain says "Would it not be better for everyone else to just stay at home, out of sight and mind so others can have their normality?"
I do not know the answer.
I know there is something to make me smile that day; a nice surprise sent by friends. I will find out in two days.
It is a small thing, but I have a bit of Hope that after the New Year I will have the intense bereavement tide down, with less reminders of the big life events not to happen.
How has a year passed already?
How is it that it will be four months in a few weeks since he passed?
Time seems to be more bendy for me lately.
It passes fast, it creeps by, it stalls.
I've gone from living the last three years of my life in the moment, day to day; never knowing when might be his last with me. Never really being able to have any sort of long term plan; at all.
Now, I have to go back, so far back, and start again.
I am so tired.
So uncertain and scared.
I barely recall what it is like to wake up alone these days, end of December.
Mostly cold.
Full of longing.
I dislike night-time of late.
I made it through Hannukah, and had a really nice Shabbos this past week with my cousin cooking and singing.
As it gets closer to Christmas though, I keep thinking about the few we had together. All the ones we had imagined we would have in the future.
How much I suspected but dreaded that last year might have been his last Christmas and winter holidays with me; and how true it was.
I keep trying to remember the happy moments. How the awesome folks at ThinkGeek were to send him/us those gifts; they gave us his last Christmas.
I've been thinking about them lately, how kind they were to him, and us. My grief takes my words now sometimes, so I cannot figure out how to describe how thankful I am to them. Still.
His last one was a happy one.
I take comfort in that, though it still brings me to tears.
The house seems so much more lonely. I have been keeping the television on downstairs because just hearing a bit of extra noise makes me feel a bit better right now.
I took down the inflatable (twin) guest bed, and Leto is not happy about that. Somehow in the last few months he has outgrown the catbed I bought a bit ago for him. It is comically small compared to him even when he sleeps in the smallest ball he can. He's been sleeping on the guest bed at times over the last few weeks and I believe seems to have thought that was his new bed.
He lies down in the same spot in the room and will squeak at me.
He has been giving me a lot of comfort these past days/weeks.
He feels like a part of Wash that is still living.
The house gets emptier. Boxes to go out to be mailed to friends, or donated. Still so much more to go through. I manage so far to get through it in spurts.
It's putting me back in that state of shock I felt shortly after his passing; these holidays.
My mind hurts and numbs at the thought of waking up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without him next to me.
No making coffee or special breakfasts. My family is suddenly so much smaller, that my mind just denies the idea of a "family" gathering without him. I keep trying, but the very act of just trying to imagine what that day will hold, what I would say, do, feel; becomes so overwhelming my brain just tells me it is not true.
I fear being around people who are happy at this time. I fear being the one to "bring them down". To be the reminder now of mortality. To have any of my true emotions come through, to still grieve, while others might be trying to celebrate. So many fears.
My brain says "Would it not be better for everyone else to just stay at home, out of sight and mind so others can have their normality?"
I do not know the answer.
I know there is something to make me smile that day; a nice surprise sent by friends. I will find out in two days.
It is a small thing, but I have a bit of Hope that after the New Year I will have the intense bereavement tide down, with less reminders of the big life events not to happen.
How has a year passed already?
How is it that it will be four months in a few weeks since he passed?
Time seems to be more bendy for me lately.
It passes fast, it creeps by, it stalls.
I've gone from living the last three years of my life in the moment, day to day; never knowing when might be his last with me. Never really being able to have any sort of long term plan; at all.
Now, I have to go back, so far back, and start again.
I am so tired.
So uncertain and scared.
I barely recall what it is like to wake up alone these days, end of December.
Mostly cold.
Full of longing.
I dislike night-time of late.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
To Teas
I've had a lot of emotions going around inside myself lately.
It is odd; this mixture of feelings I am having. So very lonely at nights, when I should have my love and his warmth next to me.
Twitching at the Silence inside the house, only the cats and artificial sounds abound.
Enjoying the small moments of having both cats cuddling with me. When friends come to visit. Trying to find myself again in whatever way I am strong enough for.
Steps forward and back.
I'm finding it easier on some days to just put on a mask and lie (I consider it lying, at least) and smile and nod and say "I'm fine. I'm doing ok. Let's talk about _________."
Some days, it is not a lie, and I can care. I do care about my friends and their lives.
Some days, it is hard to smile to see someone I love celebrating what I lost or never will have.
I am doing best to move at my own pace. There are some influences in my life (no comments needed, please) that think due to some reason... (age? length of marriage? ??) I should be doing certain things by now, taking certain "steps", walking a certain path.
That's not really what I feel entirely though.
I might have been following a trail once, but it veered very much off the track. I might have been following steps of others who had their trails veer from the paved, smooth road, but it had long since been covered up by circumstances.
Bush-whacking? Is that the term? Trail-blazing?
Some days the walking is easier; the ground level, the air dry and wind calm.
Some days... headway can be measured in inches or centimetres not miles/kilometres.
I get overwhelmed still, so often. At some predictable things I am learning to avoid until I can learn to deal with it. Surprises however can not be that entirely prepared for. I can prep as much as I have learned in my life, but there might still come up some new problem to solve that my wits and skills alone cannot win.
Those days are the ones I fear lately.
A lot of it with the holidays, a lot of it with memories of sadness at holidays past.
Thank you to everyone who has been sending me holiday cards. They do help.
I still have not quite figured out what to do for Christmas eve or day next week.
I am starting to become functional in some ways, but mentally, it is so hard to just make a decision. There are always variables to consider and I am compelled to consider them all.
I miss company as well though. I miss companionship. I miss watching a movie in the evening after dinner with someone, talking maybe even laughing, and going to bed warm, touching the person I love who loves me. I miss the sounds around the house; doors closing. Kitchen sounds. Talking and laughter. My own laugh often sounds so odd to me now, though it does come more often.
I try to be thankful for those who loved us and helped us throughout the years, especially around the holiday times. But, that puts me in the past; such bittersweet memories.
At what point I wonder, does it hurt less to remember? Does it ever?
Perhaps like all grief, it truly varies from one person to the other.
Some times it is the most simple of actions, the littlest of things.
Someone to bring me tea in the morning.
Hugs. On a daily basis. More than once a day even.
Kissing.
Having my hair stroked by him. The way he sometimes would wrap his fingers in it as he slept, keeping close to me.
Hearing my name.
Being told "I love you". Knowing it is meant when it is said.
The world does go on, yes.
My friend put it very well in some correspondence with me:
"Making friends as a young adult, the way we mostly do it, is easy. Most people have coworkers or fellow students, so their friends are handed to them on a platter. You've got a triple-whammy situation happening, in that you're much older than other people your age (not just because of Wash; I think you started out that way), you're not in school or working some crappy job, and you've seen a whole lot more than most folks do in a lifetime.
It is odd; this mixture of feelings I am having. So very lonely at nights, when I should have my love and his warmth next to me.
Twitching at the Silence inside the house, only the cats and artificial sounds abound.
Enjoying the small moments of having both cats cuddling with me. When friends come to visit. Trying to find myself again in whatever way I am strong enough for.
Steps forward and back.
I'm finding it easier on some days to just put on a mask and lie (I consider it lying, at least) and smile and nod and say "I'm fine. I'm doing ok. Let's talk about _________."
Some days, it is not a lie, and I can care. I do care about my friends and their lives.
Some days, it is hard to smile to see someone I love celebrating what I lost or never will have.
I am doing best to move at my own pace. There are some influences in my life (no comments needed, please) that think due to some reason... (age? length of marriage? ??) I should be doing certain things by now, taking certain "steps", walking a certain path.
That's not really what I feel entirely though.
I might have been following a trail once, but it veered very much off the track. I might have been following steps of others who had their trails veer from the paved, smooth road, but it had long since been covered up by circumstances.
Bush-whacking? Is that the term? Trail-blazing?
Some days the walking is easier; the ground level, the air dry and wind calm.
Some days... headway can be measured in inches or centimetres not miles/kilometres.
I get overwhelmed still, so often. At some predictable things I am learning to avoid until I can learn to deal with it. Surprises however can not be that entirely prepared for. I can prep as much as I have learned in my life, but there might still come up some new problem to solve that my wits and skills alone cannot win.
Those days are the ones I fear lately.
A lot of it with the holidays, a lot of it with memories of sadness at holidays past.
Thank you to everyone who has been sending me holiday cards. They do help.
I still have not quite figured out what to do for Christmas eve or day next week.
I am starting to become functional in some ways, but mentally, it is so hard to just make a decision. There are always variables to consider and I am compelled to consider them all.
I miss company as well though. I miss companionship. I miss watching a movie in the evening after dinner with someone, talking maybe even laughing, and going to bed warm, touching the person I love who loves me. I miss the sounds around the house; doors closing. Kitchen sounds. Talking and laughter. My own laugh often sounds so odd to me now, though it does come more often.
I try to be thankful for those who loved us and helped us throughout the years, especially around the holiday times. But, that puts me in the past; such bittersweet memories.
At what point I wonder, does it hurt less to remember? Does it ever?
Perhaps like all grief, it truly varies from one person to the other.
Some times it is the most simple of actions, the littlest of things.
Someone to bring me tea in the morning.
Hugs. On a daily basis. More than once a day even.
Kissing.
Having my hair stroked by him. The way he sometimes would wrap his fingers in it as he slept, keeping close to me.
Hearing my name.
Being told "I love you". Knowing it is meant when it is said.
The world does go on, yes.
My friend put it very well in some correspondence with me:
"Making friends as a young adult, the way we mostly do it, is easy. Most people have coworkers or fellow students, so their friends are handed to them on a platter. You've got a triple-whammy situation happening, in that you're much older than other people your age (not just because of Wash; I think you started out that way), you're not in school or working some crappy job, and you've seen a whole lot more than most folks do in a lifetime.
There is no way to overcome those barriers that does not disrespect what you've done and who Wash was, so I won't even suggest that you not talk about him or hide what happened.
You must not allow this to make you brittle. You *must* not. Even in the worst moments while Wash was dying, you reached out to other people and were beautifully flexible and loving. Most people don't manage that in a happy life.
That said. . .these next few months will hurt. I wish there were a way around that, but there's not. You've essentially lived a life already, at 26, that most people don't have until they're 80. Now you have to go through birthing pains again, to be Tashi. It's going to suck, and it's going to feel hopeless at times, and there will be moments when you're glad for the absence of feeling, as opposed to actual pain. You'll end up as Tashi at the end of it, but you'll wonder sometimes if it was worth the price."
I do expect pain. I do expect more misunderstandings, and more patience needed on my part and every one around me. I don't expect it to be perfect or happy, or even an end. Life only ended for him, not me. I somehow how to keep more than breathing, to keep working to find myself again, who I am now, re-defined.
Without him as an 'active' part of me. Only part of my history and my shaping as a human. As the person who taught me what "unconditional love" meant on my own part; not just others'.
The long journey really begins now. We've done the Kilimanjaro of brain surgeries, the Rockies of chemo and radiation over and over month after month, and now I am left alone to go up Everest.
The Hope in the allegory being he trained me to do this. I have to trust myself.
That is the next step.
If doing this helps the next ones to follow in our path, perhaps my pain will mean something.
I have to Hope. Some days that is all that is left.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
There, and Back Again
[Yes, it says "Senior". I grabbed my mum's ticket stub instead of mine. 11:06 am is the time on Thursday we joined the queue; 4th and 5th place in line. Until 9 hours later when 12 or more queue jumpers skipped place and went to the front. There was more than just me pissed off at a dozen people literally skipping the HOURS we all waited patiently in line, to get in the theatre first. Different rant.]
I'll be back after I've slept some. It's been about 3 days on maybe 10 hours of sleep total. At some point, my body has to give out and let me sleep, right? Worst case, I don't sleep through Monday when I see my doc next, and maybe I can get something different to help me at night.
Oh, and I counted 7 endings for this one, Jackson. I mean, Really?!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
One Day
Thank you to everyone who was able to make it out yesterday to remember the *life* and the love of Kevin.
Thank you to everyone who could not be there, but held him in your own light.
Thank you for helping me remember his spirit, not his cancer.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who could not be there, but held him in your own light.
Thank you for helping me remember his spirit, not his cancer.
Thank you.
Thank you as well to my friends for helping me to not be alone to kindle the first light of Hannukah last night. This is the photo I have of Wash's last Hannukah in 2011. He always loved that holiday.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Mobius
I say "goodbye" today.
I celebrate the life he did lead today.
I gather with friends today, and family.
It will not be the same, but there will be love.
I celebrate the life he did lead today.
I gather with friends today, and family.
It will not be the same, but there will be love.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Midnight worries
I worry about what the cost of his (willed) cremation will really end up costing me. I had to pay upfront for it, and I still have not received any benefit money from Social Security.
I worry about the memorial.
I worry about rent, and other things, little and big.
I worry about how I will feel when more of his things are gone after this weekend when they are taken home by the people he wanted them to go to.
I worry I might enjoy having more space, and a chance to start to put the house the way I want.
I worry if I enjoy it, it means I am not missing him as I 'should'.
I worry about the week, and once my friends leave and my family too (temporary though it is) how lonely I will feel.
I worry about trying to find the right words for Saturday.
I worry about paperwork with DES and for my insurance.
I worry a lot about being poor.
I worry about my debts, and my husbands, and how they might effect me when I decide to go back to a school. I worry about working so hard, paying taxes, and still having to file for medical bankruptcy next year; depend on what the lawyer says.
I worry about the holidays, and feeling alone without him.
I worry about how much pain my heart hurts for this time right now; living alone for the first few years was a choice I made on my own. Living alone now is not by either of our wish.
I worry about waking up Christmas morning in a cold, empty, quiet house.
I worry about having no one to celebrate Hannukah with. I remember Wash working so hard to learn the Hebew prayers.
I worry about saying good-bye to him in a symbolic and final way.
I worry so much about my life is both the same and so unstructured; yet I'm not ready to change myself yet.
I worry about trying to communicate with the ones around me, and either not saying something that can be understood; or saying the wrong thing altogether.
I worry about how many people I will still have in my life next year.
I worry it is not acceptable to find moments to try to laugh.
I worry it is not acceptable if I don't laugh "more" now.
I worry about how confused I am that all I'm hearing is contradictions around me; specific advice on what to do at "this point"; specific advice to listen to no advice but my own wants.
I worry about the memories to come this week and month.
I worry about facing everything.
I worry so much about what will come next.
I worry how confused I am to feel so aged and mature, and so scared and young at the same time.
I worry how much I might forget about him.
Always worries.
Sometimes saying them lets them go. Sometimes not.
I worry about the memorial.
I worry about rent, and other things, little and big.
I worry about how I will feel when more of his things are gone after this weekend when they are taken home by the people he wanted them to go to.
I worry I might enjoy having more space, and a chance to start to put the house the way I want.
I worry if I enjoy it, it means I am not missing him as I 'should'.
I worry about the week, and once my friends leave and my family too (temporary though it is) how lonely I will feel.
I worry about trying to find the right words for Saturday.
I worry about paperwork with DES and for my insurance.
I worry a lot about being poor.
I worry about my debts, and my husbands, and how they might effect me when I decide to go back to a school. I worry about working so hard, paying taxes, and still having to file for medical bankruptcy next year; depend on what the lawyer says.
I worry about the holidays, and feeling alone without him.
I worry about how much pain my heart hurts for this time right now; living alone for the first few years was a choice I made on my own. Living alone now is not by either of our wish.
I worry about waking up Christmas morning in a cold, empty, quiet house.
I worry about having no one to celebrate Hannukah with. I remember Wash working so hard to learn the Hebew prayers.
I worry about saying good-bye to him in a symbolic and final way.
I worry so much about my life is both the same and so unstructured; yet I'm not ready to change myself yet.
I worry about trying to communicate with the ones around me, and either not saying something that can be understood; or saying the wrong thing altogether.
I worry about how many people I will still have in my life next year.
I worry it is not acceptable to find moments to try to laugh.
I worry it is not acceptable if I don't laugh "more" now.
I worry about how confused I am that all I'm hearing is contradictions around me; specific advice on what to do at "this point"; specific advice to listen to no advice but my own wants.
I worry about the memories to come this week and month.
I worry about facing everything.
I worry so much about what will come next.
I worry how confused I am to feel so aged and mature, and so scared and young at the same time.
I worry how much I might forget about him.
Always worries.
Sometimes saying them lets them go. Sometimes not.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Brave (2)
I tried to fall back asleep this morning. No go.
It's one week til Wash's memorial.
I'm not doing well.
There are so many things going on all at the same time. I feel I am coming untethered.
I am terrified of trying to write something about him with that level of finality. I was not afford the luxury of denial like others around him were.
This is, certain.
Final.
It breaks what is left of my heart.
The cats keep me company in the bed most nights. Either Aelphie takes her place by my feet, or Leto comes over and sleeps on top of me. The tend to switch off.
I wake up everyday with this sense of "wrong". Something is off. Not as it should be.
I remember how we used to fall asleep together. How we would cuddle. How some nights it would be me holding him until he fell asleep, and a long long time ago, he used to hold me.
I remember the first winter we had together; he was working night-shift and in school. We hardly ever saw each other during the week. Except for 30 minutes in the mornings when he would come home from work, waking me up to the smell of coffee, which he'd always bring me a fresh cup.
He'd climb into bed and for 30 minutes the world did not exist. It was just us. Our time.
I miss the spot I'd kiss behind his ear, right above his neck.
I miss his smell. I miss that so much.
I miss his comfort.
I've had people, strangers and friends tell me how "brave" I've been. I thank them, but I don't understand it at all.
Is it really "brave" when there is only one direction to go? One way to move?
I have to go on, because what else can I really do? I don't see other choices, options.
I am happy to have friends coming in to help me say "goodbye" to him.
I know that lives don't stop. Well, only mine, and to a literal degree, him.
I miss the normalcy.
I miss Family Tuesday Dinners. Those started long before Wash, and it was the one day a week I knew I could see someone who knew my name, who would hug me, where I could just be me.
Those stopped.
I can understand. It's painful. Too busy. Out of town.
I am left though, with this feeling of being attached to nothing. I feel this greater distance with my own family than I have ever known.
Quite like a balloon. I had been tied for so many years, able to float out a bit, and now, un-cut, I am loose. I am going higher and farther than ever before. Than I ever imagined there to be.
The problem though, is the inevitable.
Balloons don't stay up forever. We all know.
Eventually, they pop. They burst, high and in a different place.
More and more I keep wondering why I am still here, in this place. What besides him was keeping me here?
I wonder if this is temporary, or if I have lost hope for Arizona?
I am scared for another reason. Well, many. I've been scared a long time, it's just easier to ignore the fears when there is someone else who needs comfort.
I wish I had known how few choices I would have had, before.
This will by my first Hannukah alone. My parents leave again the day after Wash's service.
At this point, I no longer even see a point in putting up my yearly little tree. I love the lights, but, it feels like I already know I'll be alone at the end of the month.
This is part of it. Everyone moves on. It's been almost 3 months! I mean, sure, he was my husband and the person I was intending to spend my life with, have children with, move with, be happy with, and my best friend. But, no, yeah, under 3 months is fine. Move on. Do we just stop saying his name next year?
I really am upset no one gave me this time-table for "acceptable" grief ahead of time.
I'm still back in the days of Judith Martin, apparently.
I'm guessing since this 'new' timeline for grief is something I'm really not familiar with; being of the impression I could go at my own emotional speed, could someone send me a link?
That last part was a bit sarcastic.
I cried myself to sleep this morning trying so hard to remember if I held him til he fell asleep that Saturday night. I cannot remember. I know I was with him, I was next to him, but I can't even remember if I held him.
I am scared of next week. I'm scared of who might show up. I'm scared my anger towards some people and how they acted towards Wash will not have passed fully if I see them. I'm scared that I cannot yet say that,
"I forgive you for hurting him so much while he was dying."
I was hurt too, to be sure. In a heinous and vicious way. But, people have hated me for a long time. I'm kind of used to it.
I know what was done to him, though.
I know exactly how many nights he cried himself to sleep over this.
I know how many tears, how much pain, and worse, how he could not even understand it. Part of that was the cancer, but a bigger part was just the shock and the pain of who it was coming from.
So much pain and sadness.
How do I say good-bye to my best friend?
The person I loved heart, body, mind, past and future.
I wish, I wish I knew.
It's one week til Wash's memorial.
I'm not doing well.
There are so many things going on all at the same time. I feel I am coming untethered.
I am terrified of trying to write something about him with that level of finality. I was not afford the luxury of denial like others around him were.
This is, certain.
Final.
It breaks what is left of my heart.
The cats keep me company in the bed most nights. Either Aelphie takes her place by my feet, or Leto comes over and sleeps on top of me. The tend to switch off.
I wake up everyday with this sense of "wrong". Something is off. Not as it should be.
I remember how we used to fall asleep together. How we would cuddle. How some nights it would be me holding him until he fell asleep, and a long long time ago, he used to hold me.
I remember the first winter we had together; he was working night-shift and in school. We hardly ever saw each other during the week. Except for 30 minutes in the mornings when he would come home from work, waking me up to the smell of coffee, which he'd always bring me a fresh cup.
He'd climb into bed and for 30 minutes the world did not exist. It was just us. Our time.
I miss the spot I'd kiss behind his ear, right above his neck.
I miss his smell. I miss that so much.
I miss his comfort.
I've had people, strangers and friends tell me how "brave" I've been. I thank them, but I don't understand it at all.
Is it really "brave" when there is only one direction to go? One way to move?
I have to go on, because what else can I really do? I don't see other choices, options.
I am happy to have friends coming in to help me say "goodbye" to him.
I know that lives don't stop. Well, only mine, and to a literal degree, him.
I miss the normalcy.
I miss Family Tuesday Dinners. Those started long before Wash, and it was the one day a week I knew I could see someone who knew my name, who would hug me, where I could just be me.
Those stopped.
I can understand. It's painful. Too busy. Out of town.
I am left though, with this feeling of being attached to nothing. I feel this greater distance with my own family than I have ever known.
Quite like a balloon. I had been tied for so many years, able to float out a bit, and now, un-cut, I am loose. I am going higher and farther than ever before. Than I ever imagined there to be.
The problem though, is the inevitable.
Balloons don't stay up forever. We all know.
Eventually, they pop. They burst, high and in a different place.
More and more I keep wondering why I am still here, in this place. What besides him was keeping me here?
I wonder if this is temporary, or if I have lost hope for Arizona?
I am scared for another reason. Well, many. I've been scared a long time, it's just easier to ignore the fears when there is someone else who needs comfort.
I wish I had known how few choices I would have had, before.
This will by my first Hannukah alone. My parents leave again the day after Wash's service.
At this point, I no longer even see a point in putting up my yearly little tree. I love the lights, but, it feels like I already know I'll be alone at the end of the month.
This is part of it. Everyone moves on. It's been almost 3 months! I mean, sure, he was my husband and the person I was intending to spend my life with, have children with, move with, be happy with, and my best friend. But, no, yeah, under 3 months is fine. Move on. Do we just stop saying his name next year?
I really am upset no one gave me this time-table for "acceptable" grief ahead of time.
I'm still back in the days of Judith Martin, apparently.
I'm guessing since this 'new' timeline for grief is something I'm really not familiar with; being of the impression I could go at my own emotional speed, could someone send me a link?
That last part was a bit sarcastic.
I cried myself to sleep this morning trying so hard to remember if I held him til he fell asleep that Saturday night. I cannot remember. I know I was with him, I was next to him, but I can't even remember if I held him.
I am scared of next week. I'm scared of who might show up. I'm scared my anger towards some people and how they acted towards Wash will not have passed fully if I see them. I'm scared that I cannot yet say that,
"I forgive you for hurting him so much while he was dying."
I was hurt too, to be sure. In a heinous and vicious way. But, people have hated me for a long time. I'm kind of used to it.
I know what was done to him, though.
I know exactly how many nights he cried himself to sleep over this.
I know how many tears, how much pain, and worse, how he could not even understand it. Part of that was the cancer, but a bigger part was just the shock and the pain of who it was coming from.
So much pain and sadness.
How do I say good-bye to my best friend?
The person I loved heart, body, mind, past and future.
I wish, I wish I knew.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Daily Distraction
Yup, was worth the wait for the whole series to be over, because I don't have to wait for next season to come out.
I would not say I enjoy it as much as Abram's touch on "Fringe", but, "Lost" certainly is a 98% Wash reminder free distraction. Which is a good thing for me right now until the Memorial is over.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Con Te Partiro
I made it through Thanksgiving. (The American one. Canadians did it first, a month ago.)
I spoke to my parents and brother, and went over to the Fraternity brother's dinner.
I ended up helping to cook and clean. It was good, kept myself busy and distracted. I enjoyed several moments. I did not even cry until I came home.
I am thankful Wash had a good sense of people. He truly made some wonderful friends in his life who have "adopted" me in a way.
It helps a lot.
Most of my very small group of friends is no longer local. Some that are decided shortly after Wash became ill to just... abandon us. "Come get your stuff you loaned us or I'm throwing it away!"
Suddenly, no more friends to help plan weddings.
No more local friends Graduating.
I cannot stand to be around pregnant or new children yet. The happiness and joy they produce feels like mortal pain to me.
Wash wanted something very specific and Doctor Who related to be done before his memorial service.
I have the supplies. I just cannot bring myself emotionally to do it.
"The Impossible Astronaut"
Except my Time Lord does not come back. There is no second chance. There is no way to cheat Death, not in a long-term.
His TARDIS urn is in the same place. It does not feel like *he* is inside though.
I look at it, and it is beautiful. It is art. It is love. It is Form and Function.
But my Love has become Stardust.
The Memorial is set. Invitations sent, plane tickets bought, pies being made.
This is the hard part. Not watching him in the hospital NuICU, not the wait of the two brain surgeries, not the fights for insurance. Midnight hours of vomiting and pain.
The moments he looked at me with just a little hesitation, willing himself to recall.
The anger. The fights. The physical pain.
Sleep deprivation. Going hungry to keep him fed.
What seemed like a steep climb was no more than an anthill.
This is my Everest, my Kilimanjaro. The 'After'.
The 'Alone'.
The Silence.
Such silence.
He was my best friend for 4 years. My husband for more than 3.
When he became sick, I became his memory.
He told me everything. All he could recall. His feelings. His jokes, and his pain.
I feel like there are two people living in my brain now.
I can hear myself, my inner voice. My Asperger brain continues to think, to ponder, to calculate.
Yet, at the same time, I can always hear him. Sometimes his voice is his, sometimes his words are my own voice. I look outside at my Throne he made for me, and I can remember his descriptions of how he built it. I can remember the nights, his clothes, the smell the welding burns. I can see all the sketches he drew of it, start to finish.
I watch a show; something new or something we have enjoyed before, and I can hear his commentary in my head. I can see his face light up at seeing his favourite actors, yet he's been gone two months.
I look at buildings and architecture like I never have before. I care because of him.
I have not been able to watch any new Doctor Who or Fringe yet.
I wish I was strong enough to. It is overwhelming. Like experiencing emotions from two people at the same time. I wish I could not just recall how much he loved those shows; I wish it did not hurt so much to continue with them right now.
Sensory and emotional overload.
He gave me such love.
He worked so hard to love me, to help show me not to write off all of Humanity.
I don't think there will ever be anyone like him again, not in the ways he was special.
Wash taught me it was possible though. Even at 6 Billion to 1 odds.
6 Billion in my mortal lifetime.
I ignore the probability, to hold onto the possibility Humanity might have someone like him again. The probability is I will not be alive to see who it is, but there is a possibility it can happen again.
My Love is over, in the living sense.
The world does not stop. It cannot. Not for one death. Not for one person. Society would not function unless we had to move on, forget.
But, the world moves, I still have not.
I have no career to go back to.
I have no children to tend or raise.
I have no interest in spending time trying to find a school to give me loans, to finish a degree I won't use.
I have no decades of memories and life to comfort me.
I have no idea what I would even want to do now, with my life, with a long future.
Half the people in my life are telling me to take time for myself right now, go slow, heal myself first.
Half the people in my life are telling me to start moving on, get a job, go finish my degree, move homes.
That's the one thing the WashVoice in my head stays quite silent about. 'Where do we go from here?'
Nothing but the silence of time, space, all eternity.
Mortality is so fleeting. I cannot comprehend setting aside literally one day to "give Thanks".
I had love for 1575 days with my husband.
I was thankful for every one.
I am thankful we made a point to tell each other every day and every night before we fell asleep that we loved each other.
Every night.
We are fragile. We are flesh. We are not forever, like the wind or Silence.
Yet, the chance is there. Another body, another life, another chance for that Love.
I spoke to my parents and brother, and went over to the Fraternity brother's dinner.
I ended up helping to cook and clean. It was good, kept myself busy and distracted. I enjoyed several moments. I did not even cry until I came home.
I am thankful Wash had a good sense of people. He truly made some wonderful friends in his life who have "adopted" me in a way.
It helps a lot.
Most of my very small group of friends is no longer local. Some that are decided shortly after Wash became ill to just... abandon us. "Come get your stuff you loaned us or I'm throwing it away!"
Suddenly, no more friends to help plan weddings.
No more local friends Graduating.
I cannot stand to be around pregnant or new children yet. The happiness and joy they produce feels like mortal pain to me.
Wash wanted something very specific and Doctor Who related to be done before his memorial service.
I have the supplies. I just cannot bring myself emotionally to do it.
"The Impossible Astronaut"
Except my Time Lord does not come back. There is no second chance. There is no way to cheat Death, not in a long-term.
His TARDIS urn is in the same place. It does not feel like *he* is inside though.
I look at it, and it is beautiful. It is art. It is love. It is Form and Function.
But my Love has become Stardust.
The Memorial is set. Invitations sent, plane tickets bought, pies being made.
This is the hard part. Not watching him in the hospital NuICU, not the wait of the two brain surgeries, not the fights for insurance. Midnight hours of vomiting and pain.
The moments he looked at me with just a little hesitation, willing himself to recall.
The anger. The fights. The physical pain.
Sleep deprivation. Going hungry to keep him fed.
What seemed like a steep climb was no more than an anthill.
This is my Everest, my Kilimanjaro. The 'After'.
The 'Alone'.
The Silence.
Such silence.
He was my best friend for 4 years. My husband for more than 3.
When he became sick, I became his memory.
He told me everything. All he could recall. His feelings. His jokes, and his pain.
I feel like there are two people living in my brain now.
I can hear myself, my inner voice. My Asperger brain continues to think, to ponder, to calculate.
Yet, at the same time, I can always hear him. Sometimes his voice is his, sometimes his words are my own voice. I look outside at my Throne he made for me, and I can remember his descriptions of how he built it. I can remember the nights, his clothes, the smell the welding burns. I can see all the sketches he drew of it, start to finish.
I watch a show; something new or something we have enjoyed before, and I can hear his commentary in my head. I can see his face light up at seeing his favourite actors, yet he's been gone two months.
I look at buildings and architecture like I never have before. I care because of him.
I have not been able to watch any new Doctor Who or Fringe yet.
I wish I was strong enough to. It is overwhelming. Like experiencing emotions from two people at the same time. I wish I could not just recall how much he loved those shows; I wish it did not hurt so much to continue with them right now.
Sensory and emotional overload.
He gave me such love.
He worked so hard to love me, to help show me not to write off all of Humanity.
I don't think there will ever be anyone like him again, not in the ways he was special.
Wash taught me it was possible though. Even at 6 Billion to 1 odds.
6 Billion in my mortal lifetime.
I ignore the probability, to hold onto the possibility Humanity might have someone like him again. The probability is I will not be alive to see who it is, but there is a possibility it can happen again.
My Love is over, in the living sense.
The world does not stop. It cannot. Not for one death. Not for one person. Society would not function unless we had to move on, forget.
But, the world moves, I still have not.
I have no career to go back to.
I have no children to tend or raise.
I have no interest in spending time trying to find a school to give me loans, to finish a degree I won't use.
I have no decades of memories and life to comfort me.
I have no idea what I would even want to do now, with my life, with a long future.
Half the people in my life are telling me to take time for myself right now, go slow, heal myself first.
Half the people in my life are telling me to start moving on, get a job, go finish my degree, move homes.
That's the one thing the WashVoice in my head stays quite silent about. 'Where do we go from here?'
Nothing but the silence of time, space, all eternity.
Mortality is so fleeting. I cannot comprehend setting aside literally one day to "give Thanks".
I had love for 1575 days with my husband.
I was thankful for every one.
I am thankful we made a point to tell each other every day and every night before we fell asleep that we loved each other.
Every night.
We are fragile. We are flesh. We are not forever, like the wind or Silence.
Yet, the chance is there. Another body, another life, another chance for that Love.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Zhivago
I'm actually doing ok today.
Saw my doctor, got a flu shot and asthma supplies.
Some other nice things.
Saw my mum back from her holiday, looking a lot happier and less stressed.
Have a plan for keeping busy tomorrow.
Have cats that are not (currently) fighting, and maybe starting to get along better.
The weather is lovely.
I introduced myself to a neighbour.
For right now, this is the best I can work towards. Small steps.
Saw my doctor, got a flu shot and asthma supplies.
Some other nice things.
Saw my mum back from her holiday, looking a lot happier and less stressed.
Have a plan for keeping busy tomorrow.
Have cats that are not (currently) fighting, and maybe starting to get along better.
The weather is lovely.
I introduced myself to a neighbour.
For right now, this is the best I can work towards. Small steps.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
A cat in a laundry basket
This morning, I woke up, put on some music and began to clean, manically.
Cat-boxes. Laundry. Dishes. Trash. Newspapers that had piled up for approx 2 weeks.
I 'cleared out' Wash's bathroom/The Guest bath.
Half of the stuff I just threw out, the other half; his beard stuff, his aftershave, his handwritten notes (How to brush teeth, how to wash his hair and face etc) though, I put in a basket and put it under the sink. I can't bring myself to "find" a different place for them.
When I was washing dishes my Pyrex coffee carafe slipped and shattered. When it did, it also broke a plate.
An ordinary Ikea plate.
Just one from the set we bought together when we first got engaged and moved in together.
When that happened I ended up kinda crumpling to the ground and just sobbed for a half hour.
Rationally, I know. It's a fucking plate. I still have 5 more of the same colour, and 6 more the same size. It's already been thrown out.
But, for me, it was just a shock. When it broke, that memory of us being together when we got it, how excited and hopeful we were for everything at that point... it all came back to me in a flashback.
And it brought me down. Literally. I could not physically stand, or stop my tears.
Over a gorram PLATE.
Steps forward, steps back.
Like a serrated knife of Life along my heart.
Every day I wake up it feels "wrong". I keep expecting to wake up out of this reality.
I want to wake up next to him again. I know I can't. But I want it.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Stuck inside my head
Emotionally hard morning.
Completing paperwork where I have to change my status to "widow" and explain what happened.
I had planned to spend the evening/dinner with someone, who had to cancel on me this morning.
My dreams were of Wash. We were together.
Day like today, it is hard to not feel alone.
Day like today, I just want to go back under the covers.
I will write more later.
It is mentally and emotionally difficult for me to go day after day living, with no one around who knows my name. No one to talk to me. No one to visit. No one to share activities with.
In the past two weeks I have seen one frat brother for about an hour. [And she rocks. She usually brings the puppy over to help cheer me.]
I have had one family dinner. Spent maybe 2 or so hours with my mother, more than a week ago before they went on vacation.
I have seen my (local) brother for about 4 hours. Over a week ago.
I had my Physical Therapist shake my hand Tuesday when I completed PT. A "goodbye, you did hard work!" thing.
That's been it for this week.
I suppose I should just shut up and be thankful I even have a few hours every week where someone speaks to me. And knows my name.
That's all a person needs, right?
Yesterday was the funeral and service for another local "Brain Buddy" who had the same cancer as Wash who passed this past.
I was not strong enough to attend.
I'm just depressed and lonely today.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Hard to say
Just a note to my friends;
I do not have the "Science" channel.
I have not seen the Firefly/Browncoat reunion.
I have no plans TO see the reunion special.
I am trying so hard to not keep that in the front of my mind; that Wash (my Wash) missed seeing this by 2 months.
So far, I am failing at that.
It is like trying to run away from the sky... cannot be done. Even if one hides, the sky is still there.
I am aware the special is out there.
It hurts in ways I cannot even begin to describe that Wash was not alive to see this.
It does not feel right, or good, or happy to even try to watch it without him.
I will probably be minimally online until I feel emotionally stronger.
Until I know I can pull up a page without seeing the Cast, without being confronted in my face with another memory I could not have with my Wash.
2 months.
2 months.
Haunting.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Smiles
Ending my day with a nice note.
I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.
Before the cancer.
Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.
It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.
It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.
How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.
I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.
I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.
Before the cancer.
Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.
It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.
It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.
How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.
I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
New AZ Voter? Here's some help!
Remember, remember the 6th of November:
2 Valid ID forms or more!
Desire to Vote? Heed what the Sec of State wrote!
2 Valid ID forms or more!
Desire to Vote? Heed what the Sec of State wrote!
Photo ID, Proof of Residence, or County Recorder Note!
http://www.azsos.gov/election/prop_200/poll_identification.htm <----- before="before" div="div" id="id" remember="remember" requirements="requirements" to="to" today="today" try="try" vote="vote" you="you" your="your">
Polls close in 6 hours.
For Wash
Today I Vote in my 3rd Presidential Election.
Today, I Vote to keep President Obama in office.
Today, I am Voting for my Rights as a woman to control my own body. Even as a Widow.
Today, I am Voting for my friends' and families' Right to marry who they love, serve in the Military, Adopt children they love.
Today, I am Voting to change the way we actually enforce laws in Arizona, and to change the Administration that lets over 400 women and children not have rape kits processed/not prosecute rapists.
Today, I am Voting to change the Representatives in Arizona away from the White, Rich, Males which have held seats for decades.
Today, I happily Vote for Sinema, because she was one of the FEW people back in 2010 who saw Wash as a person, who was sick and needed help, and not just a number or dollar sign with what he will cost the State.
Most importantly, I am Voting today because my husband cannot.
My husband died before the election.
Because of the Affordable Care Act ("ObamaCare") I can for the first time see a future in America where other people will NOT have to suffer through fighting for their life AND their health insurance.
I am voting because at 26 with pre-existing conditions, the ACA might save my life in the next few years.
If you personally disagree, that is fine, that is the joy of America; we are allowed to disagree! We can disagree on something, and even still be friends! Trust me.
But, I simply ask this; for those who are eligible to Vote, please do so.
You cannot complain if you do not take part in the process.
********************************************EDIT********************************
I Voted.
Number 209 at my precinct.
No disenfranchisement (per se) but several students had to accept Provisional Ballots.
Arizona has some frakked up Voter ID laws, which to me, make up a "literacy test" and put the 60,000+ students who live in the Tempe area for school in a rather odd place; they have to have "proof" of address, which for many new 18 year old students is mandated to live on campus. Most do not have the two or three forms of Government ID with current/correct address on them.
Today, I Vote to keep President Obama in office.
Today, I am Voting for my Rights as a woman to control my own body. Even as a Widow.
Today, I am Voting for my friends' and families' Right to marry who they love, serve in the Military, Adopt children they love.
Today, I am Voting to change the way we actually enforce laws in Arizona, and to change the Administration that lets over 400 women and children not have rape kits processed/not prosecute rapists.
Today, I am Voting to change the Representatives in Arizona away from the White, Rich, Males which have held seats for decades.
Today, I happily Vote for Sinema, because she was one of the FEW people back in 2010 who saw Wash as a person, who was sick and needed help, and not just a number or dollar sign with what he will cost the State.
Most importantly, I am Voting today because my husband cannot.
My husband died before the election.
Because of the Affordable Care Act ("ObamaCare") I can for the first time see a future in America where other people will NOT have to suffer through fighting for their life AND their health insurance.
I am voting because at 26 with pre-existing conditions, the ACA might save my life in the next few years.
If you personally disagree, that is fine, that is the joy of America; we are allowed to disagree! We can disagree on something, and even still be friends! Trust me.
But, I simply ask this; for those who are eligible to Vote, please do so.
You cannot complain if you do not take part in the process.
********************************************EDIT********************************
I Voted.
Number 209 at my precinct.
No disenfranchisement (per se) but several students had to accept Provisional Ballots.
Arizona has some frakked up Voter ID laws, which to me, make up a "literacy test" and put the 60,000+ students who live in the Tempe area for school in a rather odd place; they have to have "proof" of address, which for many new 18 year old students is mandated to live on campus. Most do not have the two or three forms of Government ID with current/correct address on them.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Nightmares & Distractions
I keep trying to find words.
It's hard. I have them in my head, but getting them out... it's hard.
My bed is cold and empty. I've been going back and forth between numbness with disbelief, and broken down sobbing flashes of reality.
I've been hiding lately. Not going out unless I'm pretty much dragged out.
I've been walking and exercising, because I need to, but I just avoid people so much more.
I've been having trouble responding to people, because a part of that means acknowledging that he is gone, and my brain just cannot accept that.
It still tells me he should be downstairs. That I still have time, chances at things.
I see too much death. Too many memories coming to me, un-asked.
I have not yet figured out what kind of "break" I need or can do to help myself.
Sometimes, it feels like my heart will just beat out my chest. I can feel the beats.
I'm not even sure what I mean right now.
It's hard. I have them in my head, but getting them out... it's hard.
My bed is cold and empty. I've been going back and forth between numbness with disbelief, and broken down sobbing flashes of reality.
I've been hiding lately. Not going out unless I'm pretty much dragged out.
I've been walking and exercising, because I need to, but I just avoid people so much more.
I've been having trouble responding to people, because a part of that means acknowledging that he is gone, and my brain just cannot accept that.
It still tells me he should be downstairs. That I still have time, chances at things.
I see too much death. Too many memories coming to me, un-asked.
I have not yet figured out what kind of "break" I need or can do to help myself.
Sometimes, it feels like my heart will just beat out my chest. I can feel the beats.
I'm not even sure what I mean right now.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Cat-Lady
I left my computer unlocked when I left for physical therapy today.
When I came back, Aelphie was sleeping sooooo innocently on the computer chair.
Apologies for anyone who was on the Google-Reader list who got some nonsense today; either she loafed on the keyboard where it was warm, or the cats chased each other across it.
They worked me out for about an extra 40 minutes today at PT; now that my foot is officially "not broken" I can move from balance/strength training to muscle/strength building since my legs and hips are weaker from having been in a Boot/off my feet this summer/fall.
So, sadly, it was not my "last" physical therapy this week, but I'm improving a ton!
I had a FedEx delivery last night (not a costume) but I gave him some candy.
I had only ONE child Trick or Treat-er but she was an adorable little bumblebee and she got the full size bar. Her mum seemed to like it. The little girl had possibly the biggest eyes since Aelphie when she saw her "treat".
That was pretty awesome, I really do hope she remembers this Halloween. "One year, this lady gave me a WHOLE NORMAL SIZED CHOCOLATE BAR! Not that "fun size" shit!"
When I came back, Aelphie was sleeping sooooo innocently on the computer chair.
Apologies for anyone who was on the Google-Reader list who got some nonsense today; either she loafed on the keyboard where it was warm, or the cats chased each other across it.
They worked me out for about an extra 40 minutes today at PT; now that my foot is officially "not broken" I can move from balance/strength training to muscle/strength building since my legs and hips are weaker from having been in a Boot/off my feet this summer/fall.
So, sadly, it was not my "last" physical therapy this week, but I'm improving a ton!
I had a FedEx delivery last night (not a costume) but I gave him some candy.
I had only ONE child Trick or Treat-er but she was an adorable little bumblebee and she got the full size bar. Her mum seemed to like it. The little girl had possibly the biggest eyes since Aelphie when she saw her "treat".
That was pretty awesome, I really do hope she remembers this Halloween. "One year, this lady gave me a WHOLE NORMAL SIZED CHOCOLATE BAR! Not that "fun size" shit!"
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
TARDoor Returns!
When we first moved into our (my?) current home, pretty much the first thing my husband noticed was our door that was almost the same colour and shape as the TARDIS.
He asked a few times if he could put up a TARDIS sign. We did not have time the first Halloween, we were still moving in.
The second one, we were both in the hospital; I pretty much lived there for the couple weeks Wash was in there.
The third, he started to get back to the TARDoor idea again.
So, we started to turn our door/home into a TARDIS on Halloween. Traditions begin! [Occasionally on Christmas or Boxing Day as well]
He was SO PROUD of how it came out. He spent about 2 hours on the windows alone. Wanted to make sure they were "perfect". The architect in him.
This year, I was planning to just hide out with a good scary movie. We do not get too many kids on our street, and there are none living in the complex currently.
However, as I got on with my day, I started to feel like something more than just Wash was missing.
I did not spend as much time as he did on perfecting the location of everything, but I did my best.
Tonight, I will watch "Blink" and the other Weeping Angels episodes while I paint and wait for any kids to come by. It's also a good night for "Zombieland" and "Hot Fuzz". It's Tim Dalton!
I am still feeling pretty down, between some miscommunications with family members, some well meaning people trying to give me perspective but in a real badly phrased way, and just missing the fuck out of Wash. He loved Halloween. I might post pics of his old costumes tomorrow.
I hate money issues.
I hate having no credit. I hated to have to find money to pay upfront and in full for his cremation and death papers, and I've hated that after 7 weeks I still have not received a cent from the $225.00 Death Benefits I am entitled to as his spouse. Which is not even 1/3 the cost of what I had to pay.
I have tried to let a lot of my anger and hatred go, and to some extent, it has worked. To another, there is still a lot of anger to people who are now no longer in my life at all.
Back to topic. Apologies, Dear Reader, this is my life. Mid thought of anything, and thoughts of Wash or his end will come into my mind. Always.
So I spent a little time today bringing back out the TARDoor.
I don't think/know if we have any Doctor Who fans in the complex, I guess tonight I will find out.
One of the frat brothers who lives close to me is splitting a pumpkin pie with me tonight.
Minutes seem like hours, and then 4 hours will pass in just a few blinks to me.
This is *my* TARDoor. I suppose there is always a chance I might open it tonight and find my TimeLord.
He asked a few times if he could put up a TARDIS sign. We did not have time the first Halloween, we were still moving in.
The second one, we were both in the hospital; I pretty much lived there for the couple weeks Wash was in there.
The third, he started to get back to the TARDoor idea again.
So, we started to turn our door/home into a TARDIS on Halloween. Traditions begin! [Occasionally on Christmas or Boxing Day as well]
He was SO PROUD of how it came out. He spent about 2 hours on the windows alone. Wanted to make sure they were "perfect". The architect in him.
This year, I was planning to just hide out with a good scary movie. We do not get too many kids on our street, and there are none living in the complex currently.
However, as I got on with my day, I started to feel like something more than just Wash was missing.
I did not spend as much time as he did on perfecting the location of everything, but I did my best.
Tonight, I will watch "Blink" and the other Weeping Angels episodes while I paint and wait for any kids to come by. It's also a good night for "Zombieland" and "Hot Fuzz". It's Tim Dalton!
I am still feeling pretty down, between some miscommunications with family members, some well meaning people trying to give me perspective but in a real badly phrased way, and just missing the fuck out of Wash. He loved Halloween. I might post pics of his old costumes tomorrow.
I hate money issues.
I hate having no credit. I hated to have to find money to pay upfront and in full for his cremation and death papers, and I've hated that after 7 weeks I still have not received a cent from the $225.00 Death Benefits I am entitled to as his spouse. Which is not even 1/3 the cost of what I had to pay.
I have tried to let a lot of my anger and hatred go, and to some extent, it has worked. To another, there is still a lot of anger to people who are now no longer in my life at all.
Back to topic. Apologies, Dear Reader, this is my life. Mid thought of anything, and thoughts of Wash or his end will come into my mind. Always.
So I spent a little time today bringing back out the TARDoor.
I don't think/know if we have any Doctor Who fans in the complex, I guess tonight I will find out.
One of the frat brothers who lives close to me is splitting a pumpkin pie with me tonight.
Minutes seem like hours, and then 4 hours will pass in just a few blinks to me.
This is *my* TARDoor. I suppose there is always a chance I might open it tonight and find my TimeLord.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Trick or Treat
**Edited**
I have decided that on the off chance I have trick or treaters tomorrow night, the first one over in costume gets a full size chocolate bar.
Good chocolate too.
Tootsie pops (normal ones, not those tiny shitty ones) for every one else who might come.
This will be my 5th Halloween here and we've never had any come. I do hope this year that changes.
That kid will be SO EXCITED and probably remember Halloween forever.
The parents will either hate me for their child's sugar rush, or eat it themselves and enjoy the fuck out of it.
A Bylaw: if two children show up at once, the full size will be decided "Thunderdome" style, or if both too young; Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
If three or more children show up at once, whoever had the costume on that would win in a fight with the other costumes/characters will take it.
I'm hoping I get a Hulk. Even better if there are little girls dressed as superheroes.
I have decided that on the off chance I have trick or treaters tomorrow night, the first one over in costume gets a full size chocolate bar.
Good chocolate too.
Tootsie pops (normal ones, not those tiny shitty ones) for every one else who might come.
This will be my 5th Halloween here and we've never had any come. I do hope this year that changes.
That kid will be SO EXCITED and probably remember Halloween forever.
The parents will either hate me for their child's sugar rush, or eat it themselves and enjoy the fuck out of it.
A Bylaw: if two children show up at once, the full size will be decided "Thunderdome" style, or if both too young; Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
If three or more children show up at once, whoever had the costume on that would win in a fight with the other costumes/characters will take it.
I'm hoping I get a Hulk. Even better if there are little girls dressed as superheroes.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Hide and Seek
-My birthday was fine. I will write about it later.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday
As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.
I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.
It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.
Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.
A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me
It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?
I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.
But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.
I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.
So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?
The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.
Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday
As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.
I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.
It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.
Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.
A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me
It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?
I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.
But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.
I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.
So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?
The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.
Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Struggles
Redbox is giving me a free rental tomorrow.
Going to see Cloud/Atlas with my mum.
Eating dinner with my family at my favourite Mexican food restaurant.
Going bowling after.
Birthday pie.
I am going to try to enjoy it.
In truth, I am struggling a lot with stopping my brain from just constantly re-living the 25th, 26th, 27th of October 2009. When we found the tumor. When my life changed completely, and my world stopped on its axis.
When my future and dreams were stripped away by a connected group of rogue cells 9cmx5cmx3cm.
Tomorrow will be my first birthday as a Widow. My first birthday without my husband.
Today is even one minute at a time.
Going to see Cloud/Atlas with my mum.
Eating dinner with my family at my favourite Mexican food restaurant.
Going bowling after.
Birthday pie.
I am going to try to enjoy it.
In truth, I am struggling a lot with stopping my brain from just constantly re-living the 25th, 26th, 27th of October 2009. When we found the tumor. When my life changed completely, and my world stopped on its axis.
When my future and dreams were stripped away by a connected group of rogue cells 9cmx5cmx3cm.
Tomorrow will be my first birthday as a Widow. My first birthday without my husband.
Today is even one minute at a time.
I have some great friends who sent me a LEGO set and Fringe.
If anyone is wanting to send me a little "birthday" something, I do have a amazon wishlist, or the Fundly Site is still running for another two weeks. I do still need to figure out some monetary needs for his memorial service, and to cover back the cost of his body removal/cremation. Not surprisingly, his family did not help with that. Thankfully, we found a place to take care of it as "cost" so it was only a bit over $600... but as I still have not even received my $225.00 "funeral" settlement from Social Security... there are stresses.
Now is not the time to talk about those issues though. That just leads me to a place of hurt, anger, and betrayal.
I've been painting a bit more, trying to take a walk each day, get myself out of the house and bed.
I'm starting to forget what he smelled like.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Complete the Circle
"Everyone goes through hardships. The challenge of being a person, with compassion, is to pass that help along to the next person who needs it."
Friends, you all have done so much for Wash and myself.
You've helped to keep us in the home he wanted to die in. You are helping me to stay here right now, where I can still feel Wash around me.
You've helped us pay for food, and medicine, and cool air in the 119F heat of summer.
You helped buy clothes for Wash when the cancer changed his body shape, more than once.
Right now, I am living off of your generosity. When Wash died, our small Disability stipend stopped, so it's literally your kindness that keeps me in this home now, helps me to get food, to visit the doctor and get meds to help me cope after Wash's passing.
You are helping me to have the funds to have the memorial for Wash he did want.
I am so thankful for all of you.
I have something else to ask my readers.
I'd like you to smile right now. Chances are most of you have your teeth when you do.
Think of your morning routine, think of waking up and brushing your teeth, brushing them before bed.
Think of every smile you've given before a photo was taken of you. Yes, even the ones where you may have had braces, or a gap, or something in your teeth.
Now, I'd like you to think about my friend Mary O who cannot do that.
Like Wash, she faced cancer. Unlike him she's still around to fight. But it has cost her greatly.
Mary is in her 30s and does not have teeth. She's gone through surgery, and radiation. She has fought.
Medical Care in the US is something I could, and have, written other blog posts about.
But right now, Mary needs some teeth.
So, my friends, I'm asking you to think tomorrow when you brush your teeth.
Think about your $3.00 tube of toothpaste Mary cannot use or buy.
Think about your $2.00 toothbrush she does not have the luxury of being able to use.
I'm asking you, if you can, go to the link. Read her story. Think about your own smile; could you put a value on it? Think about taking the $5.00 you might have spent on your next toothbrush or paste and donating it so Mary can get some teeth.
As always, thank you for helping me continue to learn to Hope for Humanity.
Friends, you all have done so much for Wash and myself.
You've helped to keep us in the home he wanted to die in. You are helping me to stay here right now, where I can still feel Wash around me.
You've helped us pay for food, and medicine, and cool air in the 119F heat of summer.
You helped buy clothes for Wash when the cancer changed his body shape, more than once.
Right now, I am living off of your generosity. When Wash died, our small Disability stipend stopped, so it's literally your kindness that keeps me in this home now, helps me to get food, to visit the doctor and get meds to help me cope after Wash's passing.
You are helping me to have the funds to have the memorial for Wash he did want.
I am so thankful for all of you.
I have something else to ask my readers.
I'd like you to smile right now. Chances are most of you have your teeth when you do.
Think of your morning routine, think of waking up and brushing your teeth, brushing them before bed.
Think of every smile you've given before a photo was taken of you. Yes, even the ones where you may have had braces, or a gap, or something in your teeth.
Now, I'd like you to think about my friend Mary O who cannot do that.
Like Wash, she faced cancer. Unlike him she's still around to fight. But it has cost her greatly.
Mary is in her 30s and does not have teeth. She's gone through surgery, and radiation. She has fought.
Medical Care in the US is something I could, and have, written other blog posts about.
But right now, Mary needs some teeth.
So, my friends, I'm asking you to think tomorrow when you brush your teeth.
Think about your $3.00 tube of toothpaste Mary cannot use or buy.
Think about your $2.00 toothbrush she does not have the luxury of being able to use.
I'm asking you, if you can, go to the link. Read her story. Think about your own smile; could you put a value on it? Think about taking the $5.00 you might have spent on your next toothbrush or paste and donating it so Mary can get some teeth.
As always, thank you for helping me continue to learn to Hope for Humanity.
Breaking Silence
I feel a need for honesty; though my friends know with me that is never really a problem.
Yesterday my husband's family had a memorial service in his name.
I did not attend.
Technically yes, I was invited; when my mail/invitation came Saturday AFTER the service in a different State was over.
I am Wash's next of kin, and his executor. I am his widow.
I heard him every day for 3 years describe in great detail his ideal Memorial Service.
I am working hard to make that happen for him on December 8, 2012, again, in the Winter, as he requested before his death.
I am truly sorry to those who may have been deceived by others, but he did want and had Willed me to take control of the details.
The love of my life, my soulmate, my husband died less than 6 weeks ago.
Yesterday my husband's family had a memorial service in his name.
I did not attend.
Technically yes, I was invited; when my mail/invitation came Saturday AFTER the service in a different State was over.
I am Wash's next of kin, and his executor. I am his widow.
I heard him every day for 3 years describe in great detail his ideal Memorial Service.
I am working hard to make that happen for him on December 8, 2012, again, in the Winter, as he requested before his death.
I am truly sorry to those who may have been deceived by others, but he did want and had Willed me to take control of the details.
The love of my life, my soulmate, my husband died less than 6 weeks ago.
Please keep it civil. I will be moderating comments on this post.
Wash had asked me not to write about his parents' or his issues with them until after his death.
I complied.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Lisa Simpson (TM?)
Spending my day with cats cuddling in my lap and watching wonderful movies (Director's Cut where applicable) based on books or graphic novels I own;
*Manhunter based on "Red Dragon" by Thomas Harris
*V for Vendetta based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & David Lloyd
*Watchmen based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
*The Dark Knight based on Batman The Killing Joke by Alan Moore & Brian Bolland (with reference to The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, which I also have)
Showing my geek side today.
Wash loved me in part for this(the geekery), and I loved him back for it.
Sometimes the most powerful moments happen due to Art.
Seeing "Watchmen" in the theatre with him was one of the best moments we had.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Wibbly Wobbly
I grew up with The Doctor.
I even watched the movie of the 8th.
But it was not until I began to date Wash that I learned of the re-launch.
He was SO excited to share it with me, he even did it out of linear order.
The first episode I ever saw with him was "The Forest of the Dead".
Alex Kingston as Prof River Song had me in tears by the end of the episode, with no other context than that one episode.
We were both huge Moffat fans and he wanted a "Grand Moff" episode to reel me in.
It worked.
Then again, maybe there was a reason this was the first episode we saw together.
Things are not always in a ... timeline order.
We saw this before we married. I did not have cable, Wash did. He got BBC and convinced me back in the summer of 2008 to watch an episode.
I was already pretty smitten with Wash by then, but enjoying that episode with him, sharing those moments were so happy. I was able to be myself, to enjoy something "geeky" (it was not NEARLY as popular a few years ago as it is now) and to not be judged but fully accepted.
Wash had some wonderful foresight.
He said I would love Donna. I did.
He said I would love River Song. I did.
"The Doctor, in the TARDIS... Next stop; Everywhere."
"Spoilers!"
4 long years ago. Spoilers, indeed.
So much to come. So much pain. So many happy moments.
A lifetime in the blink of an eye.
I miss him, MY love, MY TimeLord.
It's like living with an echo in my mind.
"You and me. Time and Space. You watch us run."
Doctor: Come on, next chapter's this way.
Song: When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end. But however hard you try, you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies. And nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepted...
Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day.
Not today.
Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all.
Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million day when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call...every body lives.
The time I had with you, Wash, I would not have a line of it re-written.
You live on in me.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Walkies
Enjoying this nice moment.
Went out for a walk before dinner and met two adorable dogs; a little Malti-Poo who lives down the street and just LOVES to meet new people, and a cute (but big!) 7 month old Pit puppy with some lovely facial markings. The pit lives in my complex and she was also a sweetie.
Aelphie and Leto seem slightly jealous, but, they'll get over it or pee on my shoes.
Today seemed to me more of me mentally shoring up myself instead of needing support from others. It was a nice reminder that I was independent before, and can be again.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today for the first time since my husband died I felt a little bit of my own strength.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
For Wash, A Rally Cry
Please remember friends, when Kevin "Wash" first became sick in 2009 we tried for months to get him insured and seeing a proper doctor.
We could not afford a trip to the Emergency Room; our local one which would not have even shown his cancer, because they do not have MRI capabilities.
His tumor grew over months. Agonizing months for him, and me.
We were denied AHCCCS insurance first in August 2009.
Again in September. His Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor growing the whole time.
We could not afford a trip to the Emergency Room; our local one which would not have even shown his cancer, because they do not have MRI capabilities.
His tumor grew over months. Agonizing months for him, and me.
We were denied AHCCCS insurance first in August 2009.
Again in September. His Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor growing the whole time.
October came with an appeals date for health insurance; October 28th, 2009.
Kevin was hospitalized from the tumor and brain damage on October 26th, 2009.
Do I think having proper insurance, having a proper doctor earlier would have saved his life? No, he had a GBM. It was a death sentence.
But, I do believe that had we been able to get him a proper MRI that summer when his symptoms were first evident, his tumor would have been smaller, and he might have had a longer time or a better Quality of Life at his very end.
No one should face what we had to at our age. Because of the Affordable Care Act after 2014, hopefully no one will.
But, people DO die in this country every day, who could have been saved with preventive care.
Vote, because your life DOES depend on it.
Kevin was hospitalized from the tumor and brain damage on October 26th, 2009.
Do I think having proper insurance, having a proper doctor earlier would have saved his life? No, he had a GBM. It was a death sentence.
But, I do believe that had we been able to get him a proper MRI that summer when his symptoms were first evident, his tumor would have been smaller, and he might have had a longer time or a better Quality of Life at his very end.
No one should face what we had to at our age. Because of the Affordable Care Act after 2014, hopefully no one will.
But, people DO die in this country every day, who could have been saved with preventive care.
Vote, because your life DOES depend on it.
Cannot erase our love
Small Photo break today.
I see these Post-It notes he left every day. I see them, read them, and remind myself of his words often.
I have been feeling hurt, angry, and rage filled lately at the opinion of some who by all seeming means, are literally trying to erase me from my husband's life.
Erase what we had.
What he did for me, what I did for him.
Erase the last years of his life.
Erase his happy smiles.
I am angry, because to me, Wash's love for me was just so obvious. Hopefully as my love was to him.
Clear and ever present.
He was the best thing to happen to me, and often said I was the same to him.
That cannot be taken away.
Love find ways to stay, even if the person who loved is no longer around.
His words are. His message. His intent.
His love.
***********************************************************************************
"Future me:
Be excellent to Tashi Today!
Past me"
"Is it possible for me to love my wife... more than I do?
I do hope so."
"Tashi, you deserve far more than what I have to offer. But I'll give you what I can for as long as I can.
Because I love you.
Wash"
I see these Post-It notes he left every day. I see them, read them, and remind myself of his words often.
I have been feeling hurt, angry, and rage filled lately at the opinion of some who by all seeming means, are literally trying to erase me from my husband's life.
Erase what we had.
What he did for me, what I did for him.
Erase the last years of his life.
Erase his happy smiles.
I am angry, because to me, Wash's love for me was just so obvious. Hopefully as my love was to him.
Clear and ever present.
He was the best thing to happen to me, and often said I was the same to him.
That cannot be taken away.
Love find ways to stay, even if the person who loved is no longer around.
His words are. His message. His intent.
His love.
***********************************************************************************
"Future me:
Be excellent to Tashi Today!
Past me"
"Is it possible for me to love my wife... more than I do?
I do hope so."
"Tashi, you deserve far more than what I have to offer. But I'll give you what I can for as long as I can.
Because I love you.
Wash"
Monday, October 15, 2012
Engineer's Thumb
I ended up getting physically ill late yesterday.
Might have been some bad second-hand news I received late in the day, or maybe some spinach I ate which was not fully washed.
I did not sleep well last night for the most part; a lot of digestive issues and mental ones. I tried sleeping on the couch, and on the little bed in the library. Leto, to his lovely credit was doing his best to cuddle with me and make me feel better all night.
At about 3am I got a little manic and did some very light cleaning in the bedroom, and put down the heavier comforter on the big bed.
I also did a load of laundry.
I finally crashed out in the big bed around 4am, pressed tightly to Wash's pillows on his side of the bed.
It still smells like him, since I have not been able to bring myself to Wash his pillowcases yet, or replace the pillows that hold his scent.
It might be a while before I do that. I'm ok with this; I keep the little bed clean, and my pillowcases on my side.
I slept with no bad dreams the few short hours I was down in our bed. Aelphie was right by my chest, Leto was keeping my feet and legs warm. They both seemed to know I needed both of them.
I woke up for my morning Physical Therapy and felt so awful. After spending almost an hour in the bathroom I threw in the flag and cancelled PT for today.
My mum has been checking in on my throughout today.
Thankfully, I manged to keep some (vegan, non fish) miso soup down this afternoon and then had another long nap in the big bed.
It's easier to sleep in our bed when I can smell him. I miss holding him, as I used to do every night. I miss saying "I love you." and hearing it back every night before I fell asleep. I still tell him, but I don't hear it back anymore.
I tried to be kind to myself today.
5 weeks. Both a lifetime, and a second. Closer to a lifetime.
Might have been some bad second-hand news I received late in the day, or maybe some spinach I ate which was not fully washed.
I did not sleep well last night for the most part; a lot of digestive issues and mental ones. I tried sleeping on the couch, and on the little bed in the library. Leto, to his lovely credit was doing his best to cuddle with me and make me feel better all night.
At about 3am I got a little manic and did some very light cleaning in the bedroom, and put down the heavier comforter on the big bed.
I also did a load of laundry.
I finally crashed out in the big bed around 4am, pressed tightly to Wash's pillows on his side of the bed.
It still smells like him, since I have not been able to bring myself to Wash his pillowcases yet, or replace the pillows that hold his scent.
It might be a while before I do that. I'm ok with this; I keep the little bed clean, and my pillowcases on my side.
I slept with no bad dreams the few short hours I was down in our bed. Aelphie was right by my chest, Leto was keeping my feet and legs warm. They both seemed to know I needed both of them.
I woke up for my morning Physical Therapy and felt so awful. After spending almost an hour in the bathroom I threw in the flag and cancelled PT for today.
My mum has been checking in on my throughout today.
Thankfully, I manged to keep some (vegan, non fish) miso soup down this afternoon and then had another long nap in the big bed.
It's easier to sleep in our bed when I can smell him. I miss holding him, as I used to do every night. I miss saying "I love you." and hearing it back every night before I fell asleep. I still tell him, but I don't hear it back anymore.
I tried to be kind to myself today.
5 weeks. Both a lifetime, and a second. Closer to a lifetime.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The Belchies
Friday was pretty ... intense.
I spent the first few hours of the day just sobbing.
Could not stop crying.
I kept seeing his last few conscious hours over and over.
My friends (Wash's frat brothers) sent me a text in the early afternoon to the effect of "We love you, and know it's a bad day. Can we still take you out for distractions?"
I said yes.
We had a nice time getting out for some frozen yoghurt. That was a nice break.
We were attempting to go as a whole group to a "movie in the park" event; a free movie on a greenbelt/lawn. With our weather this is a common activity.
Sadly it was like a coming together of all kinds of "worst case" scenarios.
Some members were running late... we did not have enough blankets to grab space for all of us, there were dogs running loose around, the folks behind us kept spilling pizza on my blankets and pillows.... It became obvious before showtime there were FAR too many people who came to see the movie than the venue really had space for.
To their immense credit my friends cared. About me.
Wash used to be my rock and calming presence when I went out. I do not like going out, really, I do not like crowds, or uncontrolled animals (even at an animal friendly venue), wayyyyy too many toddlers walking around with no parental supervision... my brain was going into overdrive.
Too many noises, too many sensations, too many variables for me to calculate, which is what my brain does when I am outside or in a crowd.
My friends said... "Tashi? You look really uncomfortable. Let's go."
And we did. And they did not make a big deal of it, or make me feel bad for having to leave a planned event due to me.
We went over to C* & R*'s place and ended up getting pizza, and lots of beers, and watched "Clue".
It seemed liked a much calmer (and to me, more enjoyable) evening.
I was still missing Wash, so much, but they really helped to distract me and get me through a bad day.
Today, it's suddenly Fall.
Cold weather, cats wanting to cuddle, and an extra blanket needed for the bed.
I like this. It also means in a week or so I'll have to switch the fish around some; the babies need to be moved to a larger and warmer tank, and the big tank needs to have a heater put in it so the big Molly I'm a Fish Foster Mum for stays warm at night.
I've been watching "The Belchies" this morning, so far about 3 times. I think it might be my favourite episode of Bob's Burgers. Which also means I will be watching 'The Goonies' later, because we did not see it last night.
Everything is different and new at the same time is it familiar to me.
Lately, I've just really missed in so so so many ways getting to be geeky around someone else.
I miss making a reference out loud to a show, a book, a movie and having that person (Wash) who got it.
I miss talking about George Lucas.
I miss talking about geek cons and panels.
I miss gossiping and guessing about movies to be released.
I don't have anyone to talk to anymore like that. He's gone.
I find myself still having conversations; as if he could hear.
Cleaning today. Doing some laundry; clothes and the sheets on my little bed I sleep in, and washing the winter blankets (heavier than the summer ones). They're clean, but they kinda smell like the linen closet.
Just trying to tread water today, keep breathing.
*Not their real initials
I spent the first few hours of the day just sobbing.
Could not stop crying.
I kept seeing his last few conscious hours over and over.
My friends (Wash's frat brothers) sent me a text in the early afternoon to the effect of "We love you, and know it's a bad day. Can we still take you out for distractions?"
I said yes.
We had a nice time getting out for some frozen yoghurt. That was a nice break.
We were attempting to go as a whole group to a "movie in the park" event; a free movie on a greenbelt/lawn. With our weather this is a common activity.
Sadly it was like a coming together of all kinds of "worst case" scenarios.
Some members were running late... we did not have enough blankets to grab space for all of us, there were dogs running loose around, the folks behind us kept spilling pizza on my blankets and pillows.... It became obvious before showtime there were FAR too many people who came to see the movie than the venue really had space for.
To their immense credit my friends cared. About me.
Wash used to be my rock and calming presence when I went out. I do not like going out, really, I do not like crowds, or uncontrolled animals (even at an animal friendly venue), wayyyyy too many toddlers walking around with no parental supervision... my brain was going into overdrive.
Too many noises, too many sensations, too many variables for me to calculate, which is what my brain does when I am outside or in a crowd.
My friends said... "Tashi? You look really uncomfortable. Let's go."
And we did. And they did not make a big deal of it, or make me feel bad for having to leave a planned event due to me.
We went over to C* & R*'s place and ended up getting pizza, and lots of beers, and watched "Clue".
It seemed liked a much calmer (and to me, more enjoyable) evening.
I was still missing Wash, so much, but they really helped to distract me and get me through a bad day.
Today, it's suddenly Fall.
Cold weather, cats wanting to cuddle, and an extra blanket needed for the bed.
I like this. It also means in a week or so I'll have to switch the fish around some; the babies need to be moved to a larger and warmer tank, and the big tank needs to have a heater put in it so the big Molly I'm a Fish Foster Mum for stays warm at night.
I've been watching "The Belchies" this morning, so far about 3 times. I think it might be my favourite episode of Bob's Burgers. Which also means I will be watching 'The Goonies' later, because we did not see it last night.
Everything is different and new at the same time is it familiar to me.
Lately, I've just really missed in so so so many ways getting to be geeky around someone else.
I miss making a reference out loud to a show, a book, a movie and having that person (Wash) who got it.
I miss talking about George Lucas.
I miss talking about geek cons and panels.
I miss gossiping and guessing about movies to be released.
I don't have anyone to talk to anymore like that. He's gone.
I find myself still having conversations; as if he could hear.
Cleaning today. Doing some laundry; clothes and the sheets on my little bed I sleep in, and washing the winter blankets (heavier than the summer ones). They're clean, but they kinda smell like the linen closet.
Just trying to tread water today, keep breathing.
*Not their real initials
Friday, October 12, 2012
Feet on the ground
I had dreams last night about the last night Wash was ever conscious and it was pretty horrible.
It was basically re-living it in my dreams.
I could not wake up.
When I did, I spent the first 30 mins or so just sobbing in my bed, I could not even move.
Yesterday, distractions helped.
Today, not so much.
I even got notified that DES won't cancel my health insurance now that Wash is gone, but that is not 'cheering' me up like it should.
It's like his last few hours are burned into my consciousness and it's a record player that won't stop; over and over again I see him, hear him, but just those words.
I don't even know right now, breathing hurts.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Had a nice long conversation today with a video store clerk about the superiority of old VHS copies of George Lucas' work; as opposed to the 'touched up' digital copies.
If there is one thing I know, it's film.
That was a pleasant distraction today.
I think tonight will be a Peter Jackson works night; The Frightener's, Dead Alive, and maybe Heavenly Creatures.
I have been doing my best to stay distracted today.
I managed to get out for a little over 2 hours.
So far, today has not been as unbearable as Tuesday was.
I've been reading some of his old notes today; he had such a sense of humour.
I miss him in good, bittersweet ways today.
If there is one thing I know, it's film.
That was a pleasant distraction today.
I think tonight will be a Peter Jackson works night; The Frightener's, Dead Alive, and maybe Heavenly Creatures.
I have been doing my best to stay distracted today.
I managed to get out for a little over 2 hours.
So far, today has not been as unbearable as Tuesday was.
I've been reading some of his old notes today; he had such a sense of humour.
I miss him in good, bittersweet ways today.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Untitled
In some moments it hits me like a car going 35 MPH.
I just had a conversation out loud.
With myself.
Because I live alone now.
My husband died. I can talk, but he's not going to answer anymore.
I'm so used to telling him everything.
Now, I'm talking to myself/the cats.
Part of my new "normal".
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