I keep trying to find words.
It's hard. I have them in my head, but getting them out... it's hard.
My bed is cold and empty. I've been going back and forth between numbness with disbelief, and broken down sobbing flashes of reality.
I've been hiding lately. Not going out unless I'm pretty much dragged out.
I've been walking and exercising, because I need to, but I just avoid people so much more.
I've been having trouble responding to people, because a part of that means acknowledging that he is gone, and my brain just cannot accept that.
It still tells me he should be downstairs. That I still have time, chances at things.
I see too much death. Too many memories coming to me, un-asked.
I have not yet figured out what kind of "break" I need or can do to help myself.
Sometimes, it feels like my heart will just beat out my chest. I can feel the beats.
I'm not even sure what I mean right now.
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Hopefully suggestions are okay. I don't want to come across as someone who thinks they have a quick fix or magic remedy for all of the pain you're feeling right now, but as someone who's been following yours and Wash's story for sometime, I want to at least attempt to help.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like reading, please check out a book called No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm not sure what your religious affiliation is, but I don't really think it matters in the case of this book. The author is a Buddhist monk, but it's a very straightforward read. Not preachy at all. I don't consider myself a religious person, but as someone who has struggled with some of the concepts dealt with in his book, I can say I got a lot out of it. I've also recommended this book to one of my good friends who could basically be called Richard Dawkins Jr. and he loves it.
If you want a primer, you can also check out some of his videos on Youtube. Just search Thich Nhat Hanh. Also, maybe some Alan Watts or Joseph Campbell. Wisdom is always great when going through a challenge, and I think it's important to face these things head on and get yourself to the most comfortable view that reality allows. And keep in mind, reality isn't one-sided. Sometimes it's up to us to decide which perspective we're going to cultivate.
I wish you all the strength you need to make it through these times and I hope that you are able to find true happiness again.
Love from a Redditor and fellow Browncoat,
Nick