Thursday, February 25, 2010


Yesterday was a bad OCD/Aspie day. Best to forget it and move on.

I'm working an extra hour or so at work today- boss man is doing jury duty. I really hope I can make it.
I've been doing 3 hour days and then coming home not moving for an hour, then sleeping for 3. It exhausts me. And I hate that so much about myself right now. I'm trying hard to move on, move past it and accept that until I heal from a major operation I won't be at my best.
But for me, that's very very very hard.

It's been 27 days now without coffee, candy, or processed foods. As much as I *really* want to make it to the 30 day mark; I would stab someone for a bag of skittles right now. sigh.
However, I'm back to a size 8, and am within 5 lbs of my lowest adult weight. The horrific thing I noticed last night was that my arse no longer has cellulite on it. It's smooth and round. Crazy.

My older bro stopped by last night and hung out with us for a couple hours; he also noticed my 'new' figure. Complimented me on it and took some pics on his iphone to keep/show off? Eh don't know.
It was fun seeing him though and getting to catch up a bit. Good times.

Wash has started to feel the chemo now- his infusion lasted about 2/3 days. Poor guy, back to the other stuff to keep him from constantly vomiting. My poor love. I'm in the midst of trying to get a better paying job, or finding a way to work from home- he needs me here. And I want to be here spending as much time with him as I can- as much as we have left.

The Brain Tumor Walk is this Sat; we're both excited and he really can't wait to get out and see everyone come down to support him. I'm excited for that too.

Alright, time to go to work to fix 3 weeks of mess.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How To Smile

Had a fraking BUSY day yesterday. Took Wash (well, I went. Still not driving myself) to his dr appts- he got a new infusion IV cocktail to help with this stronger Chemo he takes 5 days a month now. I hope it helps. We also invested in some other anti emetics for him and it's helping the quality of life for him.

So, one Dr appt down, then I had a long ass talk with our insurance people; got an immediate medical extension for us both (since we have ongoing medical costs) to the end of March- and I just have to resubmit paperwork before March 1st to activate us for the rest of the year through Nov 2010. I'm taking care of it. His new chemo meds cost more too; I estimate now it's between $8k-$15k a month for us in Dr visits, prescriptions, and his cancer treatments.
Hell, my emergency surgery may cost upwards of 20K! I don't even make that in a year (anymore).

Running around town back and forth- to my Dr's in the afternoon- good news there though. I am totally normal and healing. No incision infections, scarring up well he says, and all the symptoms I am still having are normal and should go away within 1-2 months. I should be back to full strength and normal in 2-4ish more weeks. So, though it sucks I can't just be "better" NOW, I at least am not as worried or freaking out so much over my total lack of appetite and weird pains. And he says to just make sure I am walking and stretching my muscles every day.

Oh, just heard from the boss man, I'm going back for about 3 hours today to work; prolly that way for the rest of the week then if my boss hasn't really replaced me back to full schedule next week. I'm still scared to go in, but I do feel a bit better- when my boss called me back he was making some jokes- so I'm trying to relax and not just be in total fear of being fired.

Someone/thing managed to spill some kind of super resin/bond on my car's windshield. There's a spot about the size of a quarter and I don't know how to get it off- I'm hoping an acetone might take it off. I'm pissed. I love my car man.

So, we have the big Student's against Brain Tumors' walk on Sat, and trying to do the Highland Games on Sun maybe as well. Wash's favourite celtic band is playing, so it could be fun. Plus I love my man in a kilt and he can wear his, always makes him happy.

We also had one of our married couple friends over last night for Games' Night and oh my lords it was fun. I really had a fun time and for the first time in a long ass while if not ever, when they left, I didn't feel like I had made a fool of myself, or said the wrong thing, etc. It's such a good feeling- man. Now I can sort of see why some people like to socialize.

We also got hit with a HUGE storm system yesterday, which was pretty. Lots of rain, a rainbow I saw, and I got to figure out how to get my garden covered when it flooded- key; use the giant umbrella we have for summer.

So, tonight one of Wash's frat brothers is coming over to help him with errands since I will be out and can't drive anyway. I'm happy and thankful we still have people around us who want to help. Then, if I can get a good solid nap in after work, going over to my mum's tonight for family dinner- taco night. Should be fun. I might even be able to eat!

I can face the challenges today. I can.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Green bananas

Up early today- apparently I was snoring and shivering too much, so I left Wash to get some sleep without me.
I think I have to be getting a frakton closer to 130 lbs- I really have not been this skinny since summer 08- when I lost an extra 25 lbs from my own c-battle that summer.
It scares me. It scares me so much about my eating/ appetite. It still hurts after I eat- that 40 mins of digestion and the hour after my intestines burn. Plus, I literally have no appetite- my brain knows my body needs food and energy; but I can't get my stomach to make bowel sounds lately and I just don't want to eat- foods don't hold appeal to me and I eat three bites and feel full now.
For example yesterday I had;
*70 oz water
*24 oz juice
*2 x 3oz of pinto beans
*One bite lentils
*One bite mashed potatoes
* 3 sips of juice/yoghurt smoothie

And actually for me that might be a bit more than usual. FRAK! That's NOTHING ! And yet, I wake this morning and again not hungry. I want some hot tea only because I am cold.
Can't wait til Mon to talk to my PCP and Surgeon on the follow up about this. I'm not healthy and I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm worried now that my liver maybe is infected now- maybe the gallbladder didn't come out in time- or my pancreas might be failing or something.

Yesterday evening was a long one. Wash and I had a rough emotional day. For him it was a "If I might die tomorrow or have fatal tumour in 3 months then why do anything anymore?" [Green Banana] kind of day. I held him as he and I cried for a few hours. It breaks my heart; I can feel his pain and his fear and sadness; but I can't make them go away in him all the time. My heart breaks too- after all I gave it to him to use. I want him happy. I want us happy. I still want to try at a life together- because I have to believe we will have one. If we both give up, might as well let him go out as he pleases when the pain comes again. I don't want that. I'm fighting for him, for us, for our future.

He also really cried around me for the first time about the loss of our future child. I think we both might be ready now to get a grave marker and maybe, maybe, try to move on. Won't and can't ever forget her, or what she would have meant to us, but we can try to move forward.
I told him as morbid as it may be, it's time to write out his bucket list.
I want to try for a normal life, yes, but I am still going to give him the best life I can while he is here. That wonderful man deserves nothing less.

Worked out in my garden yesterday- harvested the last of my Big Boy tomatoes from the winter season. Have a ton of new flowers up- and even my green bean plant is flowering too! We have about 4 new strawberries and another 3 or 4 flowers on the plant, the mint is doing so well, the parsley too- and the dill is almost a foot tall now! I'm still hoping this week to get more soil to put down my next set of spring seed and seedlings; I also have asked Wash to help me grow Stevia this year and we are building a new porch side garden too for the corn and beans this summer- my goal is that the corn will grow around the porch and act as a secondary 'privacy screen' to it.
Hey, if it happens, I'll post pics.

Today; want to go to church, get groceries and Wash's chemo meds picked up from the Pharmacy, try driving around my block a bit [haven't driven in almost a month now!] and get a game or two in with my love.

Friday, February 19, 2010


137 lbs is my weight now.
Cripes. I don't snack anymore [nothing I am allowed to eat] and I'm, not eating more than maybe 800 k/cal a day if I'm lucky. It's hard on this restricted diet. I'm hoping my doc will change it when I get my next check-up Monday.

I can see my ribs again. My hips stick out. Hip-bones even visible when I lie down. It's been a while since that's happened. 130 lbs on me looks "scary" to Wash- he likes me curvier around 140 or so. I'm actually wondering if this will be what helps me really manage my weight. I'm also hoping that the burn I feel after every time I eat will go away as I fully heal.

Our Health Insurance is being just awful and trying to cancel me - somehow the $4.25 I have in the bank account is "too much income" for me to get insurance. o_0????
So, lots of fighting with them. Good news is that we finally got our approval for Food Stamps so we will get around $200 ish a month to help with food. YAYS!

Took a walk today- about 80 mins to walk roughly one mile- lots of rests too (our for almost 3 hours!). This is like, the second time I've been out of my house or the hospital in 3 weeks. A little too overstimulating for me, but I'm taking a nap soon.

Trying to work on the garden this weekend- get more planters and soil to put my new seeds down and I'm trying to pick up some more seedlings to plant. Oh! I also have my last Big Boy tomato to pick from the winter growing season today/tomorrow. About the size of a fuji apple- can't wait to taste it. Also my herbs have all taken off- parsley, dill, basil, oregano, sage, marojam... trying to learn how to infuse them with oils so we can cook with them. Wash wants to learn to cook more and I always like to do more things with him.

He is also happy BBQ season approaches. Ha.

Annnnd naptime.

What i think i love about watching the Duggers is that jimbob treats michelle like wash treats me: constantly saying 'i love you' and 'you're beautiful' <3

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wow again w the judge shows gorram if they are your children "dad" Then you are not BABYSITTING You are being a father! There is a difference.
Just talked to kevins dr and he is CLEAN! Brain looking healthy and NO NEW Tumors hurray! thanks be
Holy crap watching judge show defendant claims brain tumor and god its like watching a female version of kevin when he had his tomor in scary

The Follow Up

really upset- stuck at home on bedrest still while my baby is alone getting scanned. Being on speakerphone is not good enough at all- but I can't rip my incisions again or go back to the hospital- might not come out. I just want to be holding his hand today- I KNOW it will be clear- no new tumours, but I'm just as scared as he is.

he's stuck there alone- getting his MRI right now. He's meeting the Dr in about an hour- I will be put on speakerphone. It's not the same at all as being able to hold his hand through this.
I'm terrified.
I'm Hopeful.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Oh great frak dr says i could be doing "too much" And need to stay home take it easy still frak frak i want to be out and working again cant afford this
So started vomiting again before 1 Am talking to my drs this am to see whats what. I really dont want to go back into the hospital please

Friday, February 12, 2010


So, I literally cannot move on Dr orders. Not for a few more days. The little movement I do have mostly hurts as well.

Wash is just beyond wonderful in caring for me. I cannot express how thankful I am to him and how much I love him and his tenderness towards me.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

I am so thankful for my loving caring husband. I know with complete certainty he is my love and my soul.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Checked into hospital now waiting on my room want pain meds looks like surgery tues afternoon

Saturday, February 6, 2010


pain pain pain pain.

i am also so distended in my stomach area, and can't get comfy and it sucks and hurts. i have good strong painkillers but it's such a deep pain.

I'm really worried since the pain has increased that it might now be infected as well. I really don't want to go to the ER tomorrow.
But I want it out. HURTS.

The deal for me is that if Wash is going to look after me post-op I have to live downstairs for the recovery- no taking the stairs for me. Which means the inflatabed for me and the couch for him. I hate sleeping alone now- or, should I say, I hate sleeping without him now.

Doing some basic gardening planning as to what I'm adding and planting this spring [next few weeks]. Wash is getting one new W40K monster class, so he's really really happy. And he has more time to work on his hobbies now- things that make life worth it.

In theory J. [older sibling] is coming over for brunch / lunch on Sun too. We can finally give him his xmas gift- that the last one we had to deliver.

Time to lie down now. thank you.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Well if i spike a fever and go septic i will go in for emergency surgery otherwise looks like monday i should be one tashi minus a gallbladder

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

wow. still on strong meds for pain. still have swollen gallbladder and liver. owww.

i have also lost my voice from vomiting still. Sigh. I am going to try to work tomorrow I think.

gorram. can't remember what I was to write.

cookies with kevin, and nice soothing milk. mmmm. yes, that's it.

My garden is thriving in this weather. growing strawberries now!!!

Monday, February 1, 2010


Spent from 4am- 1pm (ish) at the Hospital ER.

Oh, no, Wash is just fine. A little tired, but he's fabulous.

I have frakking gallbladder issues! Me!
A "sludgy" gallbladder frakking hurts. I passed out from the pain. I'm still now coming off the last dose of IV morphine they gave me around 11.
Best as I can remember it was just as bad if not maybe a bit worse than they miscarriage.
I really don't want a repeat, nor do I want to have to go back in tonight cause I still can't hold down liquids and it's frakin' me up.
They say I might have to have it removed if it doesn't improve.

From what I remember I was feeling pretty crappy last night, went to bed after midnight, woke at 2 something and was in the bath vomiting and contracting in muscle spasms til 4 something when I gave in to the pain and cried out for Wash to take me to the ER.
I don't remember too much in the waiting- I was cold and hurt. According to him I was crying, feverish, and vomiting. I really don't recall much until the nurse woke me putting my IV in and I didn't know where I was- Wash had to tell me. I knew that made sense, and then I think they gave me my first morphine dose and I was out. I woke next and my mom was there, and I spent the next few hours vomiting, dry heaving, getting anti-emetics and more morphine til they could CT my liver/ gallbladder.
Pesky little bugger. Wash assures me that I was quite polite to all my techs even drugged. Good to know.

Bright sides;
*Our insurance is pretty cool about ER visits- $0 and no co-pay. Also, all my meds [including more Zofran than they give Wash!] covered, again no co-pay.

*SSI is coming through for us at last so taking the few days off work the Dr recommended will not put us in the poor-house, get us evicted, or force us to go without food. Which, in the past since my past time income is our ONLY income, I would have gone right back to work tomorrow- regardless if I went back to the ER tonight or not!

*My mom came right over to the ER to keep Wash company. She then got my meds for me when I was discharged, and came over and did our dishes and took out the trash. Wash was sleeping since he had been up since 4-something with me but had not passed out / slept with the Dragon, like myself. So, he went to nap and my mom cleaned, gave me a very gentle hug and a good kiss and left. That's a really good thing.

And I'm about done with my endurance level for this today. Sleep.