Monday, June 24, 2013

I leave in 31 hours. This is both forever and too fast. Reality hitting hard. This is so big. I do wish Wash was here for me, though.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

20 June 2012

I have spent the last 15 hours working, cleaning, and preparing to pack. I've tried to keep and stay busy.
I've had to say that my husband is dead way too much today. Too much death, sadness.
Yes, it "still" hurts to have to say it out loud. Strangers or friends. 
It hurts to remember his smell, then remember he is gone. 
Sad anniversary for me. The last time he was able to be romantic. To have that part of himself. 
The last time he kissed me, not the other way. 

I miss you. 

My last real kiss. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Short Takes IX

Having a lot of memories and feels today/tonight. Mostly sad memories.
Flashbacks. Who he was, who the cancer made him into.

I wish my heart did not hurt like this. I wish my best friend was here to give me a hug. I wish I could be held by my husband, the person who loved me more deeply than any other and have him tell me it will be alright.
I wish it did not feel like half of my heart, my life, my desire to live was gone.

I'm grieving tonight and so so sad my husband is dead.

Wash's Words: the e-files

Trying to make myself feel better or distracted from the disturbing trigger I had this morning which sent me into a PTSD spiral of fear and paranoia.

Here is a little taste of what the Wash I knew and fell in love with (before his cancer) was like.

May 29th, 2008

10:03 PM Kevin: BSG re-imagining, so much better than the original.
10:07 PM me: bsg?
  corry, comp slow
 Kevin: It's fine. Battlestar Galactica. Hipper, darker, edgier, deeper, so much cooler.
10:08 PM me: ah never seen it
10:09 PM Kevin: You might like it... I think I have the first couple seasons lying around here. Though everyone I know is just waiting for the DVD of the last couple seasons.
10:10 PM me: don't know if i have time to add another series to my attention, but maybe an episode or two
  whats it about
10:11 PM Kevin: The last people of mankind struggling to survive while hunted by their former creations.
10:12 PM me: robots or clones or aliens?
10:15 PM Kevin: Robots... r at least they used to be.
10:16 PM There's a miniseries premiere that kinda explains it.
  And then the rest of the series raises questions about it the whole way through.
10:18 PM me: ah
10:19 PM Kevin: Plus a huge amount of interesting questions about humanity, what it means to be so, what it takes to get to there, are people with our motivations actually human....
  It's a very rich tapestry filled with iron and allegory. Rare to find in television.
10:22 PM me: hmm'
  what network was it on>
10:23 PM Kevin: SciFi
 me: mmmm
 Kevin: Might be a reason why you woldn't have watched it.
 me: prolly
  i get the good movies and mini series on dvd
10:24 PM Kevin: It's one of the best series to own... like ever.
 me: haha
  you sound like me and firefly or robin hood
10:25 PM [have to include coupling and buffy since i own the complete series of those too]

6 June 2008
                    Kevin: That you're wierd. Not the standard, not conforming. You're wonderfully                 unique, and I've never met anyone like you. Doubt I ever will.
1:18 AM me: Damn. That's like, the nicest thing I've heard all week.
 Kevin: Well, I'll endeavour to best it before the week is out.
 me: i'm telling you, i don't know how to take compliments. it still weirds me out.
1:19 AM oh gads man. i'm perfectly happy not having an ego. you don't need to help me develop it :)
 Kevin: Who said anything about ego. It's just pure, objective truth.
1:20 AM And I'm really glad to have you around. Grinning Ear-to-ear happy.
1:21 AM me: but it's a truth i cannot see, so it's hard to accept. like, an abstract concept- infinity for example
  i've been singing a lot more at work.
1:22 AM My being around makes you that happy? Hmmm.
 Kevin: "You're not angry with me are you? You always say 'apparently' when you're really angry"
 me: You do have a nice smile, must admit
  ............ *facepalm
  i really do say that a LOT
1:23 AM my aunt nicknamed me as a kid, Miss "Apparently"
 Kevin: And thanks, Love! :D Yup, ear to ear again.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2:07 AM
Kevin: I really enjoy making you happy. I've always held back until the right woman comes along. Doesn't happen often, and when it does, it's something extraordinary.
Like now. With you.

1st July 2008

 Kevin: That I find a lot of fun, due in no small part to it being with you.
10:25 PM me: haha
  you as well
 Kevin: I Love you.
 me: i love you
10:26 PM Kevin: It's never been like this with anyone else.
  And I like it a lot.
10:27 PM me: good
  just enjoy it then
10:28 PM Kevin: That's my plan. And I cherish it so.

Monday, June 17, 2013

We'd all ride

I leave in a little over a week.

So much to get done. I need to write something properly today. Fill in the pieces.

As excited as I am, I also wish so so so badly that Wash was here to tell me he was proud, to hug me, to give me support. I am about to start something completely new, in a different culture, and I really want my best friend.


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Pi Time

My fundraising for school is going well. I'm at the halfway point and hope to leave in about 3 weeks.
I'll have more to say on that later.

Tomorrow morning I again do my best to contact DES and have a long appointment with my Hospice counselor to talk about some of my issues leaving for Israel, leaving Wash/TARDIS "home", leaving my sweet kitties...
It's a lot.
Aelphie has been my animal companion since I lived alone as an adult. I know she is getting older, she has some grey now on her, but I still see her as my little girl. It's hard for me to think of being away from her comfort for the summer. It's hard for me to think of what she might be feeling while I am gone. To them, Wash was here and then he was gone. I don't know how to explain to them I'm coming back.
Leto, well, he's my baby boy. He is the last living connection to my husband I have. I'll never have his children, but we had Leto. He had Leto. And Leto lost his dad. The human he loved most. Now I'll be leaving him too. I'm coming back, but how will they know?

It's hard to think about. I can't help but cry. When I was so alone, the house empty but me, my family all busy with their own lives, my friends not close enough to comfort, or not able to be there... my cats were there for me. They let me hold them for hours while I just sobbed. They purred in my lap. They slept in the bed, making it feel less empty- less alone.

I'll be without them.

And I want this. I want this chance. I need to do this. I need to go.

But it hurts.
It hurts to not know. It hurts to know I will be so far away, without my support, without the few living things that love me around. I know Wash would want me to go. I know.

I'm afraid of something happening and I cannot be there.

I've been trying to work on a "normal" or regular sleep schedule, but the stress is making it hard. So much to do, but no real routine to help me function to do it.
I've been able to catch 03:14 on the clock every 12 hours for the last full week or two.
I see it and I say "Happy 3:14" or "Happy Pi minute my Love". Wash made a point for as long as he could remember to, to tell me that everyday- at 3:14(am/pm).
"This way, every single day can be our anniversary."

I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his love. I miss his jokes- all of them, I miss him telling the stories he told over and over.
I'm not good at saying "Good-bye". I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.
So leaving is hard. Knowing it will be months before I see my friends again. My family. Being around people who love me, or my pets who do.

I apologize if this is incoherent. I am mostly just sobbing and crying tonight.

It has been a while since I have had the flashbacks, since they were uncontrolled. They are coming again. That night, over and over. The day he went into the hospital, over and over. The months of warning signs all flashing before me. The questions, always plaguing, 'Could I have done more?' 'What if?' 'Did I do everything I could have?'

The biggest one. The most evil. The one that never really fades, or really goes quiet.
"Was there a chance I could have saved him? Was there a way to avoid his cancer? Why did I not see it so much sooner? How much of this pain is mine to bear?"

The question that I will never really be able to answer; "What happens now?"

I never thought I would be a Widow this young. I'm angry, because when we got engaged, he promised- swore he would let me die first. I know it's not exactly something he could really promise, but I hate it all the same. I hate the loss. I hate the Silence now. I hate how empty my bed feels. I hate having to cook for one, not two. I hate that I am entombed with his things, his life, but not him. 
I miss being held by my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss him so much. It is more than a void, it is my own self, my own soul, broken in half and gone. Not missing, gone. Not lost, gone.
He made me better, and left.
He left me.

That hurts. "Pain" is not a comprehensive enough word for this. English has no real word for the feeling of desertion by way of grief.
I miss having a reason to smile. Something to be happy about. Someone.

There is no potion. No drug. Nothing instantaneous. No wave of a wand, or hat-trick.
Time does not ease the pain, the hurt. My wound may not bleed as much now, but time makes it grow deeper, makes it into a keloid scar- ever growing, not healing.

I was stronger with him. Better.
I just feel so small and helpless right now.
I am so very tired. I feel I should be nearing the end of my life, not the start of my adulthood.
I've lived so much already.

I miss my Love. I miss our Love. I miss being loved.

I miss being loved.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


I really really dislike having to tell DES (again) that Wash is (still) dead.
Nope, has not come back. No awesome miracles like that!

I cannot understand why if I tell them I am widowed, and sent them copies of the Death Certificate about 2 weeks after he passed, they still have to ask me and verify he's dead.


I'm assuming this had to have happened to someone because I just cannot imagine why the state would like to traumatize people who have lost their spouse/child/dependent.

What annoys me even more is spending a crap-ton of phone minutes I can't really afford to talk to someone at DES and for 3 straight days get nothing but a busy signal. I call about every 10 minutes to check. From 8am-5pm.

So much to do, so overwhelmed, and so distracted.

I would also note to them that the asthma I have had for 16 or 17 years now has also not "cured" itself. That would be the "chronic" part of "chronic asthma".

Too much going on. I'm riled up.

I'm scared and nervous to leave, and at the same time, I cannot wait to be gone- even for just a 6 week term- from Arizona.

Speaking of, briefly, I'm about halfway to my needed goal to cover costs for Israel! My scholarships are helping out with some things, but I'm still doing the majority of this upfront out-of-pocket. But, I want this, and I know I'll be in a different place when I am done there for the summer. I don't know if it will be a "good" or "bad" different, but I know that I will change. I need some change. I need some personal growth time, some time not defined as "wife" "caregiver" "widow", but as "Tashi". Time to look at my future and maybe see something there for me.
The future hurts. Every day hurts. Every minute and second. It hurts to live without him. It hurts to know he is gone. It hurts to try, to have to remember who my love was; instead of knowing because he lives.
My thoughts, my hopes are that in a new place, around new people, a place defined by my own self- not "us"- thinking and looking at my future won't hurt as much.
It will always hurt. I know this. I knew it before.

But maybe, maybe, it will start to hurt less.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Mixed Greens

Things are coming along well. I'm 1/3 of the way there with my fundraising and I hear back today that I've gotten 2 of the 4 or so scholarships I have applied for.

Meanwhile, some other crap going around is triggering me badly today, so I am at the moment in my bed, under my covers, shaking and silently crying.

Aelphie is next to me, but won't cuddle. Leto is off somewhere lying on tile or in the tub trying to get a bit cooler. I need a friend to come over and help me shave him. I have the kit, but I need about 4 hands for it, not two.

It's been a while since I've needed a Xanax to help with my overwhelming feelings. Sadly, today is one of those days.

I had a fairly nice day yesterday afternoon, going to the local Art Museum with a family member.

I can't even say more. I keep trying to write and only seem to end up crying more.