Hide and Seek

-My birthday was fine. I will write about it later.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday


As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.

I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.

It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.

Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.

A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me

It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?

I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.

But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.

I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.

So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?

The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.

Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.