Wednesday, March 12, 2014


5 years ago today I was packing for our Vegas wedding and sitting in my living room with my intended, three witnesses, and our officiant going over our wedding paperwork.

My heart hurts not for love I have lost, but pain BECAUSE I have loved with all of my being. I gave myself to him, and he to me.

It was the hardest, most joyous, and deepest gift I could ever have given. 
It was worth the pain I feel now, for even the memories of the soul we shared.

I will share one more thing- the first book Wash ever loaned to me was his precious copy of Carl Sagan's "Cosmos".
Owning a copy myself, it was the gesture rather than the book itself that lent meaning.
He told me from the start, We are ALL made of stardust...


Story Time, friends.

Back around Feb 2008 or so, my wonderful friend E. spent almost two straight months trying to introduce me to a guy. April comes around and I do meet him- and immediately assume he is not single.
A week later, she began to bug me- 'What do you think of him??'
After I learned he was in fact, free to date, I agreed on a dinner with him.

We had one date at the end of May 2008. Our dinner lasted 4 hours. We spent another two talking after that, and ended up falling asleep on his couch watching "Serenity".
I waited a full week before agreeing to another date.

We then proceeded to see each other almost every day throughout June and into July.
We decided to take a visit to IKEA at the end of July. He loved architecture, I always need bookshelves. We were holding hands, just enjoying each other's company.
It was then I spotted it- a gorgeous recessed sink on a small stand. I must have said something or made a 'WANT' sound, because he was asking me about it- where would I want it, the functionality, and more.
He said it would be good in OUR bathroom.
I replied I was not planning on living with anyone but my future spouse.
He said he knew that. He still thought it would look nice in our space.

We both held silence for a half minute. I recall I was the one who broke the silence with a pointed question," Wash , did we just get engaged at the IKEA?!"

Why, yes, yes we did. There was an official proposal a couple of weeks later, but our engagement began after about 6 or 7 weeks of dating. The "official" proposal was at our favourite Diner, and though he got to embarrass me there, as he had asked for an engagement ring himself, I got to get down on my knee as well before I placed the ring on his finger.

I honestly think I knew though, that first night, on our first proper date.
That man would be in my life for as long as I lived. He would be my husband, or my best friend, or both, but my life would not be complete without him.

That, my friends, is the start of my love story with Wash.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Too Little, Too Late

I was doing ok today. Not great, but not horrid.
I get home and sitting in my mailbox are two letters. Both from the same place, both unsolicited "junk" mail.
One was for me, one for Wash.
They were soliciting for Health Insurance.

"WASH- Did YOU know you can now be covered for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act aka ObamaCare? Well, you can! Give us money! ...."

And just... getting mail for him today was shitty. Most days it does not bother me at all anymore. Not today.
Especially getting THIS mail.

Only 5 years too late.

I tried going for a walk. I even ran into one of my Rabbis out with his baby daughter for a stroll as well. That helped distract me some. But.
Now my brain is stuck on the "what if" line of thoughts. And that is a very bad place for me to go down.

I am so mad at the world/universe/whatever right now. It all just hurts so badly, and I am just so fucking MAD.

I can't even have a good cry because my asthma is too shitty today to let me breathe in-between sobs.

I just want him back. I know it is impossible. Not improbable, but impossible. And that hurts.

Friday, February 14, 2014


Today is Aelphaba's 9th Birth(whelping)day.

With Wash gone, she is probably my Best Friend.

The last decade has been much better for me with her in it.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Zofran O'Clock

I have been ill with the norovirus this week.
I ended up being hospitalized overnight due to dehydration complications.

I made it all the way through 2013 with no hospital visits, and not even 1 week into the new year.

I think the last time I felt this physically awful was when my gallbladder melted inside me back in 2010.
Except this time I don't have Wash to comfort or help me.

Aelphie has been by my side pretty much constantly. Leto will come and sit at my feet while I am throwing up my guts.
That helps a little. I think they can tell/sense/smell I am not feeling well.

I hate missing work. I hate feeling like I am letting down my team.

I hate how alone being very ill makes me feel.
Being in that hospital bed, in that room all alone... it is scary. The meds they gave me helped, but, I still kept feeling and thinking how just not right it felt to not have Wash there with me. To have him holding my hand or even just to hear a voice that loved me telling me it will be OK.
It's not right. Not fair.

I know this. It is just harder to accept when I am sick and weak and longing to just be held; comforted.

Rationally I know if he were still here there would be issues. I would have to keep him safe and healthy and I likely wouldn't even hold his hand without a glove and mask on.

I still want the comfort of my best friend. 

Every day I miss him. Every day I have things I want to say to him. To share. To do.

I feel miserable. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

½‚ Well, as of Wed or Thurs this week I will no longer be a temp contractor but a full time employee with benefits! Signed my contract today. I suppose wor
½‚ king 50 hour weeks helped but I think my work is valued over there. Go me. Career Woman here.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Mandatory Overtime.

At least I am keeping busy. Update to come soon.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Episode 27: A New Hope

So... all of time and space, everything that ever happened or ever will - where do you want to start?

Happy Birthday, Tashi.
One year of being The Girl Who Waits, gone. Onto the next.
Someday, to join your TimeLord.

Monday, October 21, 2013

5 Days

Tonight I am looking at photos.
Of Before.
Of us smiling.
How handsome he was, and how full of hope and innocence we were.
I can't really recognize that girl. It is like looking at someone related to me, but generations removed.

I have the video from the first birthday of mine we spent together. 5 years ago.
We went to a State park and had a pic-nik. Salads and sparking sodas, ginger beer. Fruits.
Big blankets we used to spread out under the canopy of trees. Tee shirts and shorts weather. Kisses. 
He gave me the first season of Burn Notice on DVD and a card I still have.
We took a nap together until it was time to drive home. I believe it was a Sunday and I was working the next day.
We had been engaged 3 months then. Only a few people knew. We had decided to tell our families at the holidays in November.

I laughed so much that day.
I went so many years of my life with terrible birthdays. I even just stopped celebrating at one point.
But he gave me such a happy one that day.

My handsome man. My beautiful boy. My future. I could tell him anything and he still said, "I love you, darlin'. I'm not running."
I felt safe. I felt strong. I felt like I was balanced and truly loved and completely, unconditionally accepted.
I felt that anything was possible. Every good thought I had never dared to let myself contemplate was suddenly perhaps obtainable. 
Anything and Everything was possible.

He was my TimeLord that day. He made time stop. In that afternoon he gave me an eternity of joy, happiness, and love. Not just the tv show.
He helped me forget the stress of moving twice in two months. The hardness of some days only seeing him after his classes ended and coming to bed. 
That day was autumn air and sun, and the shadows of the trees moving in the wind.

That day was ours. 
That day was mine. 
That day was his gift. A love token. A foretelling of the good before the world crashed and stopped and burned. 
That last happy birthday I ever had.
The last one without the shadow of death. Just the trees.
The last one I did not wonder if I would be sharing my next year with him.
Just those long and everlasting happy hours.

That is what I mourn over. That is what comes to mind with the tears. That is the warmth I want when all I can think is the cold terror of the next birthday. Where it was unknown if he would live to see the next day. When everything odd and disturbing clicked together with his illness but in a horrid realization of how close to losing him I was. That long, long birthday night of forms, scans, doctors whispering, and for the first time seeing the tumor that had grown in his brain, and was going to eventually kill him.
That day, I longed for something simple like a DVD set. That day I wanted the trees and nap together, not the sounds of the Neuro ICU.

I think I would go back to that day, if I could. I would spend forever there, with him. 
Just us and the laughter and hope. The happiness. The wind. The silence. Being the only two people around in that wilderness that day.

He gave me that happy day. What I never thought possible. 
What seems lifetimes ago.

Maybe someday, this Girl Who Waits will see that magic blue box. I will know where to go. When to go. 
All of Time and Space... yes, I know when.

I will hear his voice whisper back to me, "As you wish. My darlin'. As you wish."