I ended up getting physically ill late yesterday.
Might have been some bad second-hand news I received late in the day, or maybe some spinach I ate which was not fully washed.
I did not sleep well last night for the most part; a lot of digestive issues and mental ones. I tried sleeping on the couch, and on the little bed in the library. Leto, to his lovely credit was doing his best to cuddle with me and make me feel better all night.
At about 3am I got a little manic and did some very light cleaning in the bedroom, and put down the heavier comforter on the big bed.
I also did a load of laundry.
I finally crashed out in the big bed around 4am, pressed tightly to Wash's pillows on his side of the bed.
It still smells like him, since I have not been able to bring myself to Wash his pillowcases yet, or replace the pillows that hold his scent.
It might be a while before I do that. I'm ok with this; I keep the little bed clean, and my pillowcases on my side.
I slept with no bad dreams the few short hours I was down in our bed. Aelphie was right by my chest, Leto was keeping my feet and legs warm. They both seemed to know I needed both of them.
I woke up for my morning Physical Therapy and felt so awful. After spending almost an hour in the bathroom I threw in the flag and cancelled PT for today.
My mum has been checking in on my throughout today.
Thankfully, I manged to keep some (vegan, non fish) miso soup down this afternoon and then had another long nap in the big bed.
It's easier to sleep in our bed when I can smell him. I miss holding him, as I used to do every night. I miss saying "I love you." and hearing it back every night before I fell asleep. I still tell him, but I don't hear it back anymore.
I tried to be kind to myself today.
5 weeks. Both a lifetime, and a second. Closer to a lifetime.
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I have never been through what you're going through, but I've been through some stuff that's given me nights like that. Hate it. Know that you're doing your best and it will get better. And when it gets worse, that doesn't mean it will stay worse. Do you have any kind of structure to your days, other than physical therapy? If you're really at loose ends, it may help to make a schedule for the little day to day stuff. Not to get more stuff done, but to give your day a framework. I used to schedule my naps - seriously. If you're saying to yourself - at 3:00 I need to.... you feel a little bit more normal. At least I did.
ReplyDeleteThank God In Heaven, your Mum really seems to *care* about you, Tashi, i.e., even checking IN ON YOU throughout the day yesterday when you were so, SO sick!! My husband Jack and I sincerely hope, too, that you're physically feeling better today!!
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