Thursday, November 29, 2012

$8200.00 medical charges for his last days alive in Sept. Hospice and MediCare covering fully. Crying. There is 8k less debt for me to hold.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Daily Distraction

Yup, was worth the wait for the whole series to be over, because I don't have to wait for next season to come out.
I would not say I enjoy it as much as Abram's touch on "Fringe", but, "Lost" certainly is a 98% Wash reminder free distraction. Which is a good thing for me right now until the Memorial is over.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Con Te Partiro

I made it through Thanksgiving. (The American one. Canadians did it first, a month ago.)

I spoke to my parents and brother, and went over to the Fraternity brother's dinner.
I ended up helping to cook and clean. It was good, kept myself busy and distracted. I enjoyed several moments. I did not even cry until I came home.

I am thankful Wash had a good sense of people. He truly made some wonderful friends in his life who have "adopted" me in a way.
It helps a lot.

Most of my very small group of friends is no longer local. Some that are decided shortly after Wash became ill to just... abandon us. "Come get your stuff you loaned us or I'm throwing it away!"
Suddenly, no more friends to help plan weddings.

No more local friends Graduating.

I cannot stand to be around pregnant or new children yet. The happiness and joy they produce feels like mortal pain to me.

Wash wanted something very specific and Doctor Who related to be done before his memorial service.
I have the supplies. I just cannot bring myself emotionally to do it.
"The Impossible Astronaut"

Except my Time Lord does not come back. There is no second chance. There is no way to cheat Death, not in a long-term.

His TARDIS urn is in the same place. It does not feel like *he* is inside though.
I look at it, and it is beautiful. It is art. It is love. It is Form and Function.

But my Love has become Stardust.

The Memorial is set. Invitations sent, plane tickets bought, pies being made.

This is the hard part. Not watching him in the hospital NuICU, not the wait of the two brain surgeries, not the fights for insurance. Midnight hours of vomiting and pain.
The moments he looked at me with just a little hesitation, willing himself to recall.
The anger. The fights. The physical pain.
Sleep deprivation. Going hungry to keep him fed.
What seemed like a steep climb was no more than an anthill.

This is my Everest, my Kilimanjaro. The 'After'.
The 'Alone'.

The Silence.

Such silence.

He was my best friend for 4 years. My husband for more than 3.
When he became sick, I became his memory.
He told me everything. All he could recall. His feelings. His jokes, and his pain.
I feel like there are two people living in my brain now.
I can hear myself, my inner voice. My Asperger brain continues to think, to ponder, to calculate.
Yet, at the same time, I can always hear him. Sometimes his voice is his, sometimes his words are my own voice. I look outside at my Throne he made for me, and I can remember his descriptions of how he built it. I can remember the nights, his clothes, the smell the welding burns. I can see all the sketches he drew of it, start to finish.
I watch a show; something new or something we have enjoyed before, and I can hear his commentary in my head. I can see his face light up at seeing his favourite actors, yet he's been gone two months.
I look at buildings and architecture like I never have before. I care because of him.

I have not been able to watch any new Doctor Who or Fringe yet.
I wish I was strong enough to. It is overwhelming. Like experiencing emotions from two people at the same time. I wish I could not just recall how much he loved those shows; I wish it did not hurt so much to continue with them right now.
Sensory and emotional overload.

He gave me such love.

He worked so hard to love me, to help show me not to write off all of Humanity.
I don't think there will ever be anyone like him again, not in the ways he was special.
Wash taught me it was possible though. Even at 6 Billion to 1 odds.
6 Billion in my mortal lifetime.

I ignore the probability, to hold onto the possibility Humanity might have someone like him again. The probability is I will not be alive to see who it is, but there is a possibility it can happen again.

My Love is over, in the living sense.

The world does not stop. It cannot. Not for one death. Not for one person. Society would not function unless we had to move on, forget.
But, the world moves, I still have not.
I have no career to go back to.
I have no children to tend or raise.
I have no interest in spending time trying to find a school to give me loans, to finish a degree I won't use.
I have no decades of memories and life to comfort me.
I have no idea what I would even want to do now, with my life, with a long future.

Half the people in my life are telling me to take time for myself right now, go slow, heal myself first.
Half the people in my life are telling me to start moving on, get a job, go finish my degree, move homes.

That's the one thing the WashVoice in my head stays quite silent about. 'Where do we go from here?'

Nothing but the silence of time, space, all eternity.

Mortality is so fleeting. I cannot comprehend setting aside literally one day to "give Thanks".
I had love for 1575 days with my husband.
I was thankful for every one.
I am thankful we made a point to tell each other every day and every night before we fell asleep that we loved each other.
Every night.

We are fragile. We are flesh. We are not forever, like the wind or Silence.

Yet, the chance is there. Another body, another life, another chance for that Love.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

There is always something to be thankful for, this is true. My heart is with those who only have memories of the ones they loved, thanked.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Doing my best to acknowledge my fears about Thanksgiving. I miss my husband. Tomorrow will hurt, in some way. I will face my Fear, only I will remain.

Monday, November 19, 2012


I'm actually doing ok today.

Saw my doctor, got a flu shot and asthma supplies.

Some other nice things.

Saw my mum back from her holiday, looking a lot happier and less stressed.

Have a plan for keeping busy tomorrow.

Have cats that are not (currently) fighting, and maybe starting to get along better.

The weather is lovely.

I introduced myself to a neighbour.

For right now, this is the best I can work towards. Small steps.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I cannot clean anymore. Not for lack of want; the dumpster is now overflowing at my complex. Now what? I have not smiled or laughed today. Too many questions.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

A cat in a laundry basket

This morning, I woke up, put on some music and began to clean, manically.
Cat-boxes. Laundry. Dishes. Trash. Newspapers that had piled up for approx 2 weeks.
I 'cleared out' Wash's bathroom/The Guest bath.
Half of the stuff I just threw out, the other half; his beard stuff, his aftershave, his handwritten notes (How to brush teeth, how to wash his hair and face etc) though, I put in a basket and put it under the sink. I can't bring myself to "find" a different place for them.
When I was washing dishes my Pyrex coffee carafe slipped and shattered. When it did, it also broke a plate.
An ordinary Ikea plate.
Just one from the set we bought together when we first got engaged and moved in together.

When that happened I ended up kinda crumpling to the ground and just sobbed for a half hour.

Rationally, I know. It's a fucking plate. I still have 5 more of the same colour, and 6 more the same size. It's already been thrown out.

But, for me, it was just a shock. When it broke, that memory of us being together when we got it, how excited and hopeful we were for everything at that point... it all came back to me in a flashback.
And it brought me down. Literally. I could not physically stand, or stop my tears.

Over a gorram PLATE.

Steps forward, steps back.
Like a serrated knife of Life along my heart.

Every day I wake up it feels "wrong". I keep expecting to wake up out of this reality.

I want to wake up next to him again. I know I can't. But I want it.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Stuck inside my head

Emotionally hard morning.
Completing paperwork where I have to change my status to "widow" and explain what happened.
I had planned to spend the evening/dinner with someone, who had to cancel on me this morning.

My dreams were of Wash. We were together.

Day like today, it is hard to not feel alone.
Day like today, I just want to go back under the covers.

I will write more later.

It is mentally and emotionally difficult for me to go day after day living, with no one around who knows my name. No one to talk to me. No one to visit. No one to share activities with.
In the past two weeks I have seen one frat brother for about an hour. [And she rocks. She usually brings the puppy over to help cheer me.]
I have had one family dinner. Spent maybe 2 or so hours with my mother, more than a week ago before they went on vacation.
I have seen my (local) brother for about 4 hours. Over a week ago.

I had my Physical Therapist shake my hand Tuesday when I completed PT. A "goodbye, you did hard work!" thing.
That's been it for this week.

I suppose I should just shut up and be thankful I even have a few hours every week where someone speaks to me. And knows my name.
That's all a person needs, right?

Yesterday was the funeral and service for another local "Brain Buddy" who had the same cancer as Wash who passed this past.
I was not strong enough to attend.

I'm just depressed and lonely today.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Today on the list: post office, library, and farmers' market. Cloudy weather, slight breeze, lovely. Only thing better is if he was here.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Hard to say

Just a note to my friends;
I do not have the "Science" channel.
I have not seen the Firefly/Browncoat reunion.

I have no plans TO see the reunion special.

I am trying so hard to not keep that in the front of my mind; that Wash (my Wash) missed seeing this by 2 months.
So far, I am failing at that.
It is like trying to run away from the sky... cannot be done. Even if one hides, the sky is still there.

I am aware the special is out there.
It hurts in ways I cannot even begin to describe that Wash was not alive to see this.
It does not feel right, or good, or happy to even try to watch it without him.

I will probably be minimally online until I feel emotionally stronger.

Until I know I can pull up a page without seeing the Cast, without being confronted in my face with another memory I could not have with my Wash.

2 months.
2 months.


Thursday, November 8, 2012


Ending my day with a nice note.

I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.

Before the cancer.

Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.

It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.

It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.

How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.

I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The best part of waking up in winter is feeling the cats who climbed in bed with me for warmth.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

New AZ Voter? Here's some help!

Remember, remember the 6th of November:
2 Valid ID forms or more!
Desire to Vote? Heed what the Sec of State wrote!
Photo ID, Proof of Residence, or County Recorder Note!

 <----- before="before" div="div" id="id" remember="remember" requirements="requirements" to="to" today="today" try="try" vote="vote" you="you" your="your">

Polls close in 6 hours. 

For Wash

Today I Vote in my 3rd Presidential Election.

Today, I Vote to keep President Obama in office.

Today, I am Voting for my Rights as a woman to control my own body. Even as a Widow.

Today, I am Voting for my friends' and families' Right to marry who they love, serve in the Military, Adopt children they love.

Today, I am Voting to change the way we actually enforce laws in Arizona, and to change the Administration that lets over 400 women and children not have rape kits processed/not prosecute rapists.

Today, I am Voting to change the Representatives in Arizona away from the White, Rich, Males which have held seats for decades.
Today, I happily Vote for Sinema, because she was one of the FEW people back in 2010 who saw Wash as a person, who was sick and needed help, and not just a number or dollar sign with what he will cost the State.

Most importantly, I am Voting today because my husband cannot.
My husband died before the election.

Because of the Affordable Care Act ("ObamaCare") I can for the first time see a future in America where other people will NOT have to suffer through fighting for their life AND their health insurance.
I am voting because at 26 with pre-existing conditions, the ACA might save my life in the next few years.

If you personally disagree, that is fine, that is the joy of America; we are allowed to disagree! We can disagree on something, and even still be friends! Trust me.
But, I simply ask this; for those who are eligible to Vote, please do so.
You cannot complain if you do not take part in the process.


I Voted.
Number 209 at my precinct.
No disenfranchisement (per se) but several students had to accept Provisional Ballots.
Arizona has some frakked up Voter ID laws, which to me, make up a "literacy test" and put the 60,000+ students who live in the Tempe area for school in a rather odd place; they have to have "proof" of address, which for many new 18 year old students is mandated to live on campus. Most do not have the two or three forms of Government ID with current/correct address on them.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

My husband was the kind of man who wrote in his calendar daily to remember to say "I love you" to me. I miss that. I miss his love.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Honestly, I am not doing well today. I have cried so many hours, I've had 2 nosebleeds. I miss my best friend so much. Miss my husband. Ache

Nightmares & Distractions

I keep trying to find words.

It's hard. I have them in my head, but getting them out... it's hard.

My bed is cold and empty. I've been going back and forth between numbness with disbelief, and broken down sobbing flashes of reality.

I've been hiding lately. Not going out unless I'm pretty much dragged out.
I've been walking and exercising, because I need to, but I just avoid people so much more.

I've been having trouble responding to people, because a part of that means acknowledging that he is gone, and my brain just cannot accept that.
It still tells me he should be downstairs. That I still have time, chances at things.

I see too much death. Too many memories coming to me, un-asked.

I have not yet figured out what kind of "break" I need or can do to help myself.

Sometimes, it feels like my heart will just beat out my chest. I can feel the beats.
I'm not even sure what I mean right now.

Thursday, November 1, 2012


I left my computer unlocked when I left for physical therapy today.

When I came back, Aelphie was sleeping sooooo innocently on the computer chair.

Apologies for anyone who was on the Google-Reader list who got some nonsense today; either she loafed on the keyboard where it was warm, or the cats chased each other across it.

They worked me out for about an extra 40 minutes today at PT; now that my foot is officially "not broken" I can move from balance/strength training to muscle/strength building since my legs and hips are weaker from having been in a Boot/off my feet this summer/fall.

So, sadly, it was not my "last" physical therapy this week, but I'm improving a ton!

I had a FedEx delivery last night (not a costume) but I gave him some candy.
I had only ONE child Trick or Treat-er but she was an adorable little bumblebee and she got the full size bar. Her mum seemed to like it. The little girl had possibly the biggest eyes since Aelphie when she saw her "treat".
That was pretty awesome, I really do hope she remembers this Halloween. "One year, this lady gave me a WHOLE NORMAL SIZED CHOCOLATE BAR! Not that "fun size" shit!"