An Unexpected Journey

Yesterday was a pretty awful day.
Last night was filled with dreams and emotions; re-living the terrifying moments of last year.

This morning I wake up to be reminded of how much I am loved and cared for; because my beloved friends are sending me to EMERALD CITY 'CON 2013!

Seattle! 3 days of Geeks & Nerds; Artists & Authors. Friends!

I am in happy, happy shock.


I will have to post the video; my gift was inside another gift; an interactive story book.

MB, KB, LL, NM <3 are="are" p="p" wonderful.="wonderful." you="you">

So many people I admire will be there. So many creations I have grown up with, adore, aspire to.

I am still not certain how to take Wash, because he does have to come with me somehow, but he will be there too. It's just not a 'Con without Wash there.

Seattle: 2 months and I will be in you!

I am in shock.

Struggles

Redbox is giving me a free rental tomorrow.
Going to see Cloud/Atlas with my mum.
Eating dinner with my family at my favourite Mexican food restaurant.
Going bowling after.
Birthday pie.

I am going to try to enjoy it.

In truth, I am struggling a lot with stopping my brain from just constantly re-living the 25th, 26th, 27th of October 2009. When we found the tumor. When my life changed completely, and my world stopped on its axis.
When my future and dreams were stripped away by a connected group of rogue cells 9cmx5cmx3cm.

Tomorrow will be my first birthday as a Widow. My first birthday without my husband.

Today is even one minute at a time.

I have some great friends who sent me a LEGO set and Fringe. 

If anyone is wanting to send me a little "birthday" something, I do have a amazon wishlist, or the Fundly Site is still running for another two weeks. I do still need to figure out some monetary needs for his memorial service, and to cover back the cost of his body removal/cremation. Not surprisingly, his family did not help with that. Thankfully, we found a place to take care of it as "cost" so it was only a bit over $600... but as I still have not even received my $225.00 "funeral" settlement from Social Security...  there are stresses. 

Now is not the time to talk about those issues though. That just leads me to a place of hurt, anger, and betrayal. 

I've been painting a bit more, trying to take a walk each day, get myself out of the house and bed.

I'm starting to forget what he smelled like. 

Keeping secrets

I came to a realization this weekend; one that is simplistic and complicated at the same time.

Life must be unfair. There is no way- believing in a deity or no-for life to BE fair. Fairness implies some level of choice; either on the giver or receiver's end. Some things, some of the most basic things, there just is not that "choice" that is held in an illusion.

Wash did not choose his cancer.

He did not choose what type.

He did not ever choose when it came.

He did not choose the size of his tumor.

He did not choose the location.

He was "given" the choice to live or die. Duress takes on a much more living definition than flat words in a dictionary.

Wash spent a lot of time after his EEG recovering. The neurologist says it did not show evidence of epilepsy, but he did have physical sensations and issues on his right side after a light test; so there is something going on. He has some specialist conferencing about what new anti-seizure medication to switch him to. I know a clinical trial was mentioned, but I'm not sure if he qualifies due to his cancer status.

We have had some good moments lately. I hold onto those. I need to write about them more, find a way to hold on- there will never be enough for the short time I have my husband.

We spent most of a day watching "Fringe" in bed. He was still very tired and in a lot of pain on his right side. We watched, looked for the hidden Watchers or Auggie (August) and cuddled. We spent a lot of time in the moment. For us right now the future is so uncertain and painful to imagine; it still physically hurts to think, to mostly know, I will be a widow in my 20s. Thoughts hurt. The future will hurt. So, we spend time in the now.

We spent some nice time as a couple. Just a few walks, I cooked a little more than normal, and some extra "adult" time; time we both enjoyed getting to spend. It did not feel rushed or pressured, like we 'had' to. I simply tried to be in the moment and to enjoy sharing that moment with my best friend, who is also my husband.

Sunday was nice; Wash had not felt as good as that the whole week; his physical strong point. Mentally he was a bit slow, but I have helped him on those days before. The morning I spent in the kitchen making some vegetarian Crock-Pot chili / bean stew. We left that to cook and make our house smell awesome, and get me away from the Fair down the street with thousands of people. (I'll have to deal with that shit again come the New Year's Eve block party/Fiesta Bowl)

We headed across town to my brother's house and got to play with his new home theatre system; Wash had never seen "A Clockwork Orange" before, so we figured as good a time as any to see it! He seemed to enjoy the film, at least from a directorial standpoint. We came home, drove without any real trouble thankfully and noticed my odometer was close to a really cool number; though we did not hit it that night.

We came home for dinner and had a friend come over with his version of meaty chili- I had also made a cornbread with honey-glaze. To say it was a hit would be ... underwhelming the passion with which it was consumed. It was cold and rainy outside and the chili was warm and so delicious. It was a really fantastic evening, and in a week we should hopefully have one more for dinner- our friend comes back from Argentina at the end of this week. I cannot wait to hear all her grand adventures and see the photos.

We ended the evening with cookies I made and some lively BINGO games.

Today dealt with the neurologist again, and another rainy day. Though, we did get to drive the extra mileage needed to make my little Aspie brain so so so happy. 16 years old and my car hits this;

There's always more, but for today, I'm trying to just hold onto the good and happy and lucky.