Cat-Lady

I left my computer unlocked when I left for physical therapy today.

When I came back, Aelphie was sleeping sooooo innocently on the computer chair.


Apologies for anyone who was on the Google-Reader list who got some nonsense today; either she loafed on the keyboard where it was warm, or the cats chased each other across it.

They worked me out for about an extra 40 minutes today at PT; now that my foot is officially "not broken" I can move from balance/strength training to muscle/strength building since my legs and hips are weaker from having been in a Boot/off my feet this summer/fall.

So, sadly, it was not my "last" physical therapy this week, but I'm improving a ton!


I had a FedEx delivery last night (not a costume) but I gave him some candy.
I had only ONE child Trick or Treat-er but she was an adorable little bumblebee and she got the full size bar. Her mum seemed to like it. The little girl had possibly the biggest eyes since Aelphie when she saw her "treat".
That was pretty awesome, I really do hope she remembers this Halloween. "One year, this lady gave me a WHOLE NORMAL SIZED CHOCOLATE BAR! Not that "fun size" shit!"

Untitled

In some moments it hits me like a car going 35 MPH.

I just had a conversation out loud.
With myself.
Because I live alone now.
My husband died. I can talk, but he's not going to answer anymore.

I'm so used to telling him everything.
Now, I'm talking to myself/the cats.

Part of my new "normal".

Leto, being adorable

Had some nightmares again last night, but I was able to control them more.
I woke up feeling better than I have in a while.

Still broke down and sobbed for a bit in the shower this morning.

The cats have been cuddly lately. Super cute. Needy. I'm ok with this, and spoiling them right now. Maybe we all need it.

My friend R* is here from the Pacific North West on work, and then she's spending the weekend with me before she leaves.
We've known each other for years.
She knew Wash.
She's also lost someone close to her to (a different kind) brain cancer.
So, she knows.

Hour by hour, some worse than others, but I just hold on to Hope that somehow it will start to get better, at some point.
I still Hope it will.

Visitors

Our friend Salvatore* arrived yesterday/this am with his mum to help out for a few days.

The boys are bonding well and I managed to get two great, solid naps today.

I think this is the start of a good thing.

Eye of the Storm

Wash had some severe pain this morning.

Literally screaming, waking me up.

Hospice had his nurse talk to us and he got pain meds. They did help. He had almost a full breakfast and a snack.

The nurse checked in again this afternoon. It could be a side effect of one of his meds, but perhaps not likely as nothing has changed in about 2 weeks.

He had more pain medication in the afternoon when he started feeling the stabbing in his joints again.

He's been asleep now for about 2 hours. He said he was feeling (after meds) "I don't hurt, I feel warm and fluffy."

Aephie is catloafed at Wash's feet on the bed. She and Leto have been taking turns today guarding him.

I'm going to try and get a short nap in today. I have a horrid feeling I might not get much sleep tonight.

He had to put the LEGO building on hold for a little while, moving for him hurt too much.

Hospice is being great right now.

I am very, very tired.

That Face

His Highness

My cat is my baby. And is hilarious; a 2 year old juvie Maine Coon.
Laughing my butt off right now; Leto is trying SO HARD to flip the light-switch in the hallway. He's tried jumping straight up, and leaning over from the fan to reach it; and falling off the fan every time. The most entertaining part is the switch is down, so even though he can reach the panel, he can't switch it to "up"!

Sheet pans

Wash had a mostly great day yesterday. He was in a good mood, amicable to help out, able to communicate fully, and not super depressed. Good times, for us!

But, after his evening nap again, he kinda just... much more sensitive. I reminded him to call his parents on Skype and that went mostly well. Wash is still trying to learn how to assert himself when his parents bring up something he doesn't want to/can't talk about. It's hard for him, but mentally is it necessary; he just cannot mentally take talking about certain things.

My knee hurts. We had a pressure change and weather system blow in last night. My poor cats, though! I know Aelphie was kicked by me once last night, then she stayed off the bed, and Leto got it at least three times, and just came right back and laid right down on top of my legs again. My knee spasmed so much in the night. I'm glad the DireCat seemed to know I wasn't doing it on purpose.

Wash's meds were adjusted again after his bad night on Monday, and we should know if the side effects are worse for him on a lower dose (because he's just sleeping) or if the rage from the higher steroids is "worth" it as a side effect for the extra few hours he has in the afternoon without fatigue. His Hospice Nurse is checking on him again Fri.

We have the Chaplain coming over today though. We both adore her. She is GREAT at listening, and even better at gently giving good advice. I enjoy her company.

Going to try and have a good day. Focus on the good things. Smell the wetness from rain in the desert.

Another thanks to everyone for sending us love. Positive thoughts never hurt.

But which one sings?

It's been a busy few days for sure! Monday was one of the best days I've/We've had in weeks. Wash was VERY present. He was himself, he was nice and sweet and even though physically he was not up for much, I got a good cuddle in with him, some nice hand holding and really, just some good moments with my husband.

Then, most of him left again. He tried very hard this week to compensate, as his parents were in town for a couple days, but he was looking for brain and energy that did not exist. He needed some long naps, a lot more Xanax this week, and more patience than I had.

Caring for my 27 year old physically, but mentally .... not, husband is a lot like a grown human's body, the endurance of a newborn, emotions of a 4-6 year old, and the memory of a 20 some odd year old. It's a lot.

He gets mad at me when I have to explain something a few times, or phrase it differently so he understands. He is cogent enough to know he doesn't understand, but not enough to really grasp what he knows he has issues with.

I think it was hard for his parents to come and really SEE him this time. I'm glad they did, he is too, and happy he was able to be honest for the most part with them. I'm personally sad, I am not sure if he will have the relationship with his brother he wants, but on that; Wash's bro wants a (probably, I'm not Wash, so I can't say for certain) well deserved apology, but Wash is NEVER going to be able to do that. He doesn't remember they fought, let alone what over! Any apology is truly meaningless. But, I don't know if Wash realizes either that his brother has to work through things as well and "just because" he *is* dying, it does not mean that everyone he wants is going to be placing Wash as their top priority. As sad on either part as it might be.

But, Wash was able to say some things, his parents were as well, and my personal hope is that all parties have begun to move forward again towards acceptance.

All the rest is just drama that pisses me off, and I've had far too much of that this week.

Thank you to the several awesome folks who have sent us Girl Scout Cookies. Wash's steroids have been up for a few weeks now and he is MOST appreciative. I have a nice Thin Mint stockpile which should last me through the summer and winter. Since we're in AZ a wonderful treat I've loved for decades is freezing Thin Mints and having them out on the porch on hot summer nights when the sun goes down.

I've been hard working in my garden to make sure that option will be a nice one for Wash this year. My fruits and veg are doing great, with the exception of the melon which is not taking. Boo. However, lots of bean and peas, lots of carrots, tomatoes, my strawberries just starting to come in, so we have a few ripe once a week or so. I've got all my solar lights up, and at night the flowers look great and it usually smells like basil and wet rosemary now. My gardenia has also finally gotten over transplant shock from Dec and the first bloom opened this morning! I love the fresh smell, bringing the blooms inside.

Wash has lately begun to spend the mornings outside with me and while I water, weed, and garden he usually takes Leto out to play with grass and he has begun to "read" the daily newspaper. He asked me last week to start getting the paper; it's too hard for him to try and keep up online with the news now, too many distractions. So he kinda skims the paper daily, and if he seems something he wants to read or know more details about he asks me. I have noticed we do have some more things to talk about, but there is so much bad shit going on, Wash tends to get angry like me at certain news.

I try to check the news the night before so I know if I have to censor it. He's asked me to remove traces of a few things; some certain architecture things, anything to do with Taliesin/West, and Earthquake reports by his hometown in CA. Not a large list, but we've learned from hard lessons those things will trigger the shit out of him, and he gets very depressed or worse. It's a little more work for me, but it makes him happier.

Mornings have turned for us as well, he needs to go VERY slow, and usually needs some other help to tide him over for the hour or so he is awake before his pills kick in. I have to have extra patience during this time. He's not fully awake, aware, conscious. But, he tries to be. There's a lot more work for me every morning. I want to try though. I have to try.

His Hospice check-outs were pretty good this week. He is having some medication side effects now, he does have the standard "Chipmunk" steroid face. A few people had mentioned to me he was looking swollen, but I thought it was just his winter beard left over (see pic from Sunday). However, he shaved down Mon and Wed and as the photo above shows, it's not beard, he just has more swelling. He is slow GI wise, but still normal, though he is physically changing; his legs are getting skinnier and his muscle is wasting a bit. His belly and chest are getting more barrel shaped though; meds and just the inevitable path of cancer. He's still not eating like he was last year, but he is eating a little bit more on a daily basis. It's hard for him. He forgets he is hungry easily, and he won't eat unless he is being helped and reminded. He can feed himself, but he won't remember to eat on his own. That's hard to watch.

I will put this out; if anyone wants to contact me to help me get him a properly fitting UtiliKilt I would be beyond grateful. He loved his UtiliKilt from the day he got it, the day he was married in it, even some of his early chemo sessions he went in it. But, starting around last summer, he lost too much weight and could not wear it, then gained it back/ had it go to his belly. His old one does not fit anymore. It's what he wants to wear when he has a Living Wake. Should I try and see if the company can alter it for him? Get a new one at this point? Any advice or help I would love.

Also, in the photos above you may notice a new kitty; the kind, awesome, cool, inspiring, (positive adjective) folks at www.thinkgeek.com sent Wash a singing "Soft Kitty". We (ok, me.) named her Zazzles. We are in agreement she's a girl. Wash calls her his "Soft Kitty" though. Leto is just in LOVE. He keeps snuggling up to her where ever we place her on the bed. She's about Aelphie-sized, but unlike big sis Aelphie, Zazzles just sings. Does not hiss or try to fight Leto. He even fell asleep on her last night.

We're both pretty darn happy, and I am very thankful for the kindness; I smile when I see him cuddling his new plush and happy. So again, thank you.

I know there's more to catch up and talk about, but Wash needs me to cut a bagel for him.

Thank you, Dear Readers. Always.

Valentine Anniversary

I am also a Cat-Lady.

On 14th February 2012 my little cat turned 7 years old.

She's been my constant companion and most loyal friend for 7 years.

Happy Birthday Aelphaba Shadowplayer Pratt-King. May the Lords of the Catgods give me 7 more years to enjoy with you.

And may you enjoy like the best thing on Earth your can of tuna today.