Wednesday, March 31, 2010

No what I don't have time for?

Other people's drama and shit.

There is so much on me, so much responsibility- I just cannot do what has to be done and deal with some people [who are around me] crap they throw on me.
Really, I have enough of my own.

Each day brings some new twisted nightmare for us. For every step forward we get, Life tosses us back 3.

I don't have the time or energy or even the care about your issues. I'm not going to "be the bigger person" this time. I always do, and now, I can't. There is far more important things for me to do right now than to satisfy someone's craving for a personal jihad against my behaviour.

You know, in a few months or hopefully years- after I bury my husband - maybe then I can take the time to tease back with extra drama.

But for now? No, my life already has far more than I ever need.
Facing being widowed well before turning 30 tends to do that to you. Makes you focus and re-prioritize.

Right now here's what's on my plate- MY choices;
*keeping the husband alive
*making sure husband has health insurance
*making sure his insurance pays for and covers his chemo meds and dr visits and lab work
*making sure I have health insurance
*making sure my insurance pays for my hospital and operation and medication
*making sure I keep my job
*pay all bills- on time
*keep the house up
*keep food in the house
*keep food stamps so we can have food in the house
*take care of the car
*make sure I take care of myself and heal ok from surgery
*spend as much time as possible in a good way with my husband and love of my life

Something's gotta give there, and frankly, adding anything more is daunting. This is 250 hours of work a week.
Something's gotta give.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Been busy as all today writing letters, making calls, doing work, getting the office ready for billing etc.
Always so much to do. Wash came with me to do a quick bit of grocery shopping on the way home.

I still have like 10 pages to fill out on his SS/Disability forms and mail those off. I've got bills to organize and pay soon. Taxes to get done.
Always so much.

Laundry hopefully tomorrow. I can now lift about 20 lbs, but more than that kills me. Also, still can't bend down directly forward. Sigh. I have not shaved my legs since Jan 29th or so. Wash says he doesn't mind [I wear stockings and he just promptly shuts up. Works great] but I do. It's almost summer here in Hell, Az. Gets hot!

Sitting comfortably at lower 130's on my weight. Getting my muscles back though, slowly. I hate recovering from surgery. It really sucks. I kinda understand why he was complaining so damn much last fall. It's horrid to not feel yourself, and not be able to do the things you know you were able to do.

We had an angel stop by last night; one of our now mutual friends came by in between teaching classes to drop off some dinner for us. Just said, "Hey, I'm coming by with dinner. I'll call if you don't or can't answer I'll just leave it at the door."
So we got dinner. And I gave her some fresh mint leaves from my garden before she dashed off.
One less thing to think and /or worry about. It's always a relief.

Got my friend's book in the post today too. She's got the new Chelsea Handler book autographed and lovingly loaned it to me. Hopefully it will make me laugh some; that's become more a rarity. We did finally see a 'new' movie the other night- The Informant. It was really quite hilarious. It was nice to just snuggle up to him and laugh.
We both loved Joel McHale. He stole my heart.

So, also Wash and I had some long talks. This might get even busier for me; We / I reached out and started yelling for help. Asking wasn't working. Now, have to get 'teh internets' to yell for us.
He doesn't want ANYONE who is sick to have to go through what he did. To have to fight to stay poor and broke to keep insurance. To be told you make $4.25 too much to qualify for insurance, so you have to pay $600,000.00 a year in medical costs on your own. Have fun. To get back on the insurance rolls only to have to fight to get your medicine On Time or even the medicine your doctor wants to give you. To approve the lifesaving treatment you need- in writing AHEAD of your emergency. To be denied the lab at the hospital you are at to do your blood work and have to travel across town to a different city for daily or weekly blood draws? To be asked to 'float' $10,000.00 of your own 'spare change' for lifesaving and needed chemotherapy and hope like hell they actually pay you back.
He doesn't want to keep doing that. He doesn't want anyone to suffer that.

So, I'm yelling to make this change. I'll do it for him.

He's worth everything to me. He's priceless. Can't put a price on his love for me, or even what a day more of him living, breathing next to me means. Incalculable.


Took yesterday off work; had to spend about 5-6 hours dealing with DES/ our insurance company etc. Was not fun at all. I might lose my insurance in 2 days now.

It's been kinda hard lately. My immediate family has pretty much said "frak you" to me and giving me any support. My own mum right now has to deal with "her issues first" and can't be there for me, and she's "sorry you think *you're* sick" for me.

I don't *think* mom. I was in the hospital. I had a fraking organ removed. And part of my liver. It hurts still. My own doctors tell me to take it easier because even they know what physically I have gone through.

So, it hurts. Wash has been working so hard though to make me feel loved and wanted and cared for. I just worry what will happen when he's gone?

Woke up early this morning from my nightmare- feel like my stomach is just pure acid and yuck.

Can't even think about work really. I don't know what's going to happen with me or my job or what? I have to work or we can't live. I have to watch Wash or he won't live. I can't work full time or we lose health coverage.
It's a fairly horrid spot to be in.

My bright happy spot so far has been to get more plants, veg, fruits to put and expand my garden- yay. Also, my cousins are in town this week- trying to see them.
And best news of all, my eldest bro is coming in from Japan for about 4 days to see us! It's been about 2 years since I last saw him- he hasn't even met Wash in person ever! I miss my bigger brother a LOT, so this makes me quite happy.

It's just everything else I worry about.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

nowhere man

it's a pity party day.

so many bad feelings. why doesn't my family care? why doesn't his? why are my friends avoiding me? why are they not there for me- when I have always been there for them come shit-to-fan time?
why the double standard? why is he more special? why is he loved more? what did I do?

life's just unfair. I really really actually realized today that I will never get anything I want or desire in life now.
The only thing I was allowed was him- and the cruelest thing is I end up losing him anyway.
never going to grow old with my husband. never going to have a house together. never going to get to build one. never going to be a family. never going to have our child. never going to have a child. never going to adopt. never going to be a doctor. never get to see our 25th anniversary. never able to afford any new large purchase. never going to have good credit again. never eligible for health insurance again.

who will tell me everyday that I am loved when he's gone?

lords, it's a bad day.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Tomorrow we have our First year wedding anniversary.

I can only cry that we make this milestone.
April- May of last year was the start of something being 'off'.
June-July of last year I was putting up silently with a monster.
August-Sept of last year I was crying at the thought of getting divorced before the first year.
October1- 25th of last year I was at the point of leaving the abuse.
October 26th of last year was my 23 birthday. It was the day I found out my husband had been taken over by a tumor, and he could die and may die from it.
October 29th of last year his surgeries were all complete. 99% resection of frontal 8cm cancerous brain tumor. When he woke that day I got my - my husband back.

He made it through November with me. We fought the cancer with chemo and radiation in Dec and Jan. He was clean in Feb.

It's March 13th.

Tomorrow we make it the year.

I want more. I want more days, more weeks, more months, more years with him.
I just got him back.
But he did come back. For me.

Thank you G-d, for giving my husband back to me. Please let me keep him now.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


We are 5 days away from our One Year wedding anniversary.

I am so thankful we both survived the tumour ridden tumultuous summer; and that he survived the brain surgeries and the chemo and the radiation to make it this far as well.

There is an uncertainty for us right now.

As scary as it might be; the rewards are worth every second.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ok now i really understand why people become "mad" scientists i think i am one more bad thing away from building a world destroying machine.

Monday, March 1, 2010


Know why my husband is the best?

We're getting tickets to the Live gLee! concert when it comes to town in May.
I love that man.

I'm horrifically anxious this week. Crap.

I was scheduled to go in for ~6 hours of work today- made it to about 4 then asked my boss for early off; clocked out after 5 hours.
Prolly going to work 4 hours over a 6 hour shift down there this week (yes, I clock out). I'm just so exhausted- Wash says it's good and it means I'm healing. I still can't fully bend and such, but I am getting more mobile and slowly being able to get around on my own and without my cane.

I had my therapy session moved to Wed afternoon; there's a lot to fill my guy in on.

I'm waiting for Wash to get his strength back from his chemo round last week. Even after one year of marriage and two (ish) together I still find him damn attractive to me, hella sexy, and there's really not a day that goes by without me groping him in some way. Of course I love his brain and his personality, but I like to really let him know that I still find him wonderfully attractive.

Trying to work more today- we shall see how it goes.

This week has also now become a 'waiting' week. Damn. Needs to be Friday NOW.