Showing posts with label geek love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label geek love. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Oh, Sweetie- Spoilers
River: Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you—the real you, the future you, I mean—you turned up on my doorstep with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Derillium. To see the Singing Towers. Oh, what a night that was. The towers sang, and you cried. You wouldn't tell me why but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue. There's nothing you can do.
The Doctor: Let me do this!
River: If you die here it'll mean I've never met you.
The Doctor: Time can be rewritten!
River: Not those times, not one line. Don't you dare! It's okay. It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me. Time and space. You watch us run!
The Doctor: River you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one way I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could.
River: Hush now. Spoilers.
I am watching Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead and thinking of just how ironic that story line truly is to me.
Those were the first episodes of the new Who reboot I ever saw. Shortly before we got engaged. Wash begged me to try the show, knowing I loved the classic Doctor from before.
I fell for Donna and her frustrations at dieting in a virtual world.
I fell for River as a strong and not helpless female character.
I fell for The Doctor, for his dedication and tenacity.
I had already fallen for my love, my Wash, my TimeLord.
I miss you, Sweetie.
The Doctor: Let me do this!
River: If you die here it'll mean I've never met you.
The Doctor: Time can be rewritten!
River: Not those times, not one line. Don't you dare! It's okay. It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me. Time and space. You watch us run!
The Doctor: River you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one way I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could.
River: Hush now. Spoilers.
I am watching Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead and thinking of just how ironic that story line truly is to me.
Those were the first episodes of the new Who reboot I ever saw. Shortly before we got engaged. Wash begged me to try the show, knowing I loved the classic Doctor from before.
I fell for Donna and her frustrations at dieting in a virtual world.
I fell for River as a strong and not helpless female character.
I fell for The Doctor, for his dedication and tenacity.
I had already fallen for my love, my Wash, my TimeLord.
I miss you, Sweetie.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Wash's Words: the e-files
Trying to make myself feel better or distracted from the disturbing trigger I had this morning which sent me into a PTSD spiral of fear and paranoia.
Here is a little taste of what the Wash I knew and fell in love with (before his cancer) was like.
May 29th, 2008
Here is a little taste of what the Wash I knew and fell in love with (before his cancer) was like.
May 29th, 2008
10:03 PM Kevin: BSG re-imagining, so much better than the original.
10:07 PM me: bsg?
corry, comp slow
Kevin: It's fine. Battlestar Galactica. Hipper, darker, edgier, deeper, so much cooler.
10:08 PM me: ah never seen it
10:09 PM Kevin: You might like it... I think I have the first couple seasons lying around here. Though everyone I know is just waiting for the DVD of the last couple seasons.
10:10 PM me: don't know if i have time to add another series to my attention, but maybe an episode or two
whats it about
10:11 PM Kevin: The last people of mankind struggling to survive while hunted by their former creations.
10:12 PM me: robots or clones or aliens?
10:15 PM Kevin: Robots... r at least they used to be.
10:16 PM There's a miniseries premiere that kinda explains it.
And then the rest of the series raises questions about it the whole way through.
10:18 PM me: ah
10:19 PM Kevin: Plus a huge amount of interesting questions about humanity, what it means to be so, what it takes to get to there, are people with our motivations actually human....
It's a very rich tapestry filled with iron and allegory. Rare to find in television.
10:22 PM me: hmm'
what network was it on>
10:23 PM Kevin: SciFi
me: mmmm
:)
Kevin: Might be a reason why you woldn't have watched it.
me: prolly
i get the good movies and mini series on dvd
10:24 PM Kevin: It's one of the best series to own... like ever.
me: haha
you sound like me and firefly or robin hood
10:25 PM [have to include coupling and buffy since i own the complete series of those too]
6 June 2008
Kevin: That you're wierd. Not the standard, not conforming. You're wonderfully unique, and I've never met anyone like you. Doubt I ever will.
6 June 2008
Kevin: That you're wierd. Not the standard, not conforming. You're wonderfully unique, and I've never met anyone like you. Doubt I ever will.
1:18 AM me: Damn. That's like, the nicest thing I've heard all week.
Kevin: Well, I'll endeavour to best it before the week is out.
me: i'm telling you, i don't know how to take compliments. it still weirds me out.
1:19 AM oh gads man. i'm perfectly happy not having an ego. you don't need to help me develop it :)
Kevin: Who said anything about ego. It's just pure, objective truth.
1:20 AM And I'm really glad to have you around. Grinning Ear-to-ear happy.
1:21 AM me: but it's a truth i cannot see, so it's hard to accept. like, an abstract concept- infinity for example
hahaha
i've been singing a lot more at work.
-apparantly
1:22 AM My being around makes you that happy? Hmmm.
Kevin: "You're not angry with me are you? You always say 'apparently' when you're really angry"
me: You do have a nice smile, must admit
............ *facepalm
i really do say that a LOT
1:23 AM my aunt nicknamed me as a kid, Miss "Apparently"
Kevin: And thanks, Love! :D Yup, ear to ear again.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st July 2008
2:07 AM
Kevin: I really enjoy making you happy. I've always held back until the right woman comes along. Doesn't happen often, and when it does, it's something extraordinary.
Like now. With you.
Kevin: I really enjoy making you happy. I've always held back until the right woman comes along. Doesn't happen often, and when it does, it's something extraordinary.
Like now. With you.
1st July 2008
Kevin: That I find a lot of fun, due in no small part to it being with you.
10:25 PM me: haha
you as well
Kevin: I Love you.
me: i love you
10:26 PM Kevin: It's never been like this with anyone else.
And I like it a lot.
10:27 PM me: good
just enjoy it then
10:28 PM Kevin: That's my plan. And I cherish it so.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Cunning
A few days ago a report came up on The Mary Sue relating to certain sellers on Etsy.com having their accounts suspended or blocked because they sold the hand knit “Jayne Cobb” style cap from the (un-aired) Firefly episode. Other sellers were reporting getting Cease & Desist letters from FOX regarding their selling hand-made knit caps. As a lot of things on the internet do, news spread around the “Browncoat” (Firefly/Serenity fans) forums and sites, and a lot of attention was turned back on a show cancelled by FOX more than a decade ago.
When my late husband and I began to first date, we had already established at our first 'meeting' of each other what big Browncoats we both were. Though we had intended to be watching the new season (3) of the BBC show Robin Hood we ended up mostly speaking for hours on episodes of Firefly or how wonderful it was the fans brought about getting support for Serenity to be made.
That was in 2008. I had been to a previous showing of Can't Stop the Serenity ; a wonderful benefit for Equality Now that was enjoyable not merely for the film, but for the camaraderie of the fans who watched it with me. By the time summer of 08 had come, my husband [nicknamed early on by me as "Wash"] and I were more than casually dating and he invited to take me to our local showing of CSTS that summer. That was the end of June. We both excitedly did what a majority of the FF/Browncoat fans did, and Cosplayed. That first year I went as River Tam and he as one of the "Two by Two/Hands of Blue" agents.
That was the year he also picked up a little brown wristband that simply said, "Can't Stop the Signal".
[Brown band is his Browncoat, the yellow came from the Lance Armstrong Foundation. This is also our kitten Leto. Bonus kitty pic.]
He also received one other small thing. As we had been dating/courting for a few months then and we knew ahead that we would be attending CSTS together, I had decided to complete my first ever knitting project and make a "Jayne Cobb" style hat. I had no set pattern for it, just a copy of the DVDs and a very understanding pause button. I worked on my evenings, weekends, and lunch breaks to finish the hat in time for the show, which was late June. [Even knowing he was going to CosPlay as a different character]
I will never forget how his face lit up when he saw it, and even more when he realized it was for him. That I had made him a "Cunning Cap".
[I think he was pretty happy. This photo from 2008]
We both took turns playing with it for a long time, and enjoying a small quasi-tangible link to what was our favourite show. Serenity was the movie we chose to watch on our first date, sitting in a packed living room he shared with 2-3 other roommates. He was my Wash, and I his Zoe.
We even bothered our poor cat to some degree by making her wear the cap.
[Yes, I am holding a lightsaber. I am comfortable enough in my own geekery to accept more than one Space Fiction love. This is also my most serious "fearless" face.]
The hat to us became much more than a love token, or a symbol of our beloved show.
In 2009 my husband was diagnosed after two emergency brain surgeries with a terminal brain cancer.
For him, the quote from the episode featuring the Jayne Cap become almost his daily mantra.
"When you can't run anymore you crawl. When you can't do that... find someone to carry you." [Firefly ep. The Message]
My husband ran. Then for a long time he crawled. When the cancer took more and more of him, it was our friends, and our Browncoat friends who helped to carry us both. To care, to help, to carry.
I understand there is a lot of questions and animosity going around right now bouncing between the FOX owned IP, the 'Helper Monkeys' at ThinkGeek , and the many single person owned shops at Etsy who have been making by hand for years and years Jayne Cobb Cunning Caps to sell to the Browncoats who adore, love, desire one- but for whatever reason were unable to do so themselves.
The way I see it, FOX owned IP is making money off this venture, absolutely. Especially with the surge of "Geek Culture" becoming more acceptable and mainstream public. I know ThinkGeek is making some money as well**, but as they are a business with more than one employee, they do also have to play by legal rules and acquire the "rights" to a knitted cap design to be made to quality specs by another company- Riddle Junction. Not knowing too much copyright law myself, the only real comment about Riddle Junction I can make is that they are a 3rd party given the license by FOX to manufacture the knit caps then sold by ThinkGeek. TG is now in a sad position of angering some of the very fans they felt they were trying to include. Etsy shops that have had to be shut down are suffering- and by no means were these large scale operations bringing in "big bucks"- mostly female owned self-businesses covering costs of materials and shipping for other Browncoats. One such shop run by a wonderful woman named K. (who wishes to remain anonymous in the hopes her shop can be reopened) makes many geek themed items (among them from Doctor Who, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and more) but did not herself make any of the knit caps or list any on her Etsy page. She only had other items such as bookmarks or buttons on top of her own artwork that she always listed as “inspired by *name of show*”. Yet, because she used keywords relating to the show, her Etsy shop has been suspended. She also disclosed to me that the money she makes off her Etsy store goes to buying groceries.
What I have witnessed over the last few days on the internet is a lot of anger, frustration, sadness, and some hate.
So, who is really "winning" with this? By a monetary standpoint, I'd say FOX is coming out ahead.
From a publicity standpoint, I think many larger issues are now being brought into light- how Intellectual Copyright law is applied, how certain sellers are suffering and if a knit cap with no set pattern (other than a tricolor shading, a pom on top, and ear flaps.... which sounds like any of these hats of the thousands of images in a quick google search) is limited merely in name.
What my hope for the other Browncoats out there is to have a discussion; how can a specific fandom deal with IP/Copyright laws, and what if any, is a responsibility to the fandom by the company that is kept (in part) in business due to the loyalty of fans?
All I personally know is that since my husband passed away last fall there is only one person in the world I would consider passing along my Wash's Jayne cap to- his most adored television show writer; Jane.
FOX may or may not consider that cap part of their IP (since I made it myself from no set or bought pattern, and did not sell it myself) but it means ever so much more to me.
************* EDIT 04-10-2012 11:21AM
As of 11:30am on April 10th, 2013 ThinkGeek announced through their online media they will be donating the profits/proceeds of the Jayne Caps from Riddle Junction to Can’t Stop The Serenity . While I personally think this is a massive step in the right direction, the larger issue of using questionable legal tactics to put (even temporarily) artists and fans out of business is an issue FOX and all other studios should be considering and talking about. As it was the fans, the Browncoats that helped to push the cancelled show into a follow-up movie years later, the power of a fan-base is a strong one. With respect to the original artist’s work, the fans who love and admire the show and who wish for some tangible connection to it are the ones who now suffer. The individual artists who lovingly and with care hand-make these tangible items, most slightly different from another, and most an homage to an item they love, are now the ones who pay a high price.
ThinkGeek heard the fans and responded timely and in a charitable way that some Mudders must approve of, perhaps now we and other Browncoats can petition Etsy that doing the proper thing is human, important, and matters.
EDITED 14:30 FOR CLARITY
When my late husband and I began to first date, we had already established at our first 'meeting' of each other what big Browncoats we both were. Though we had intended to be watching the new season (3) of the BBC show Robin Hood we ended up mostly speaking for hours on episodes of Firefly or how wonderful it was the fans brought about getting support for Serenity to be made.
That was in 2008. I had been to a previous showing of Can't Stop the Serenity ; a wonderful benefit for Equality Now that was enjoyable not merely for the film, but for the camaraderie of the fans who watched it with me. By the time summer of 08 had come, my husband [nicknamed early on by me as "Wash"] and I were more than casually dating and he invited to take me to our local showing of CSTS that summer. That was the end of June. We both excitedly did what a majority of the FF/Browncoat fans did, and Cosplayed. That first year I went as River Tam and he as one of the "Two by Two/Hands of Blue" agents.
That was the year he also picked up a little brown wristband that simply said, "Can't Stop the Signal".
He also received one other small thing. As we had been dating/courting for a few months then and we knew ahead that we would be attending CSTS together, I had decided to complete my first ever knitting project and make a "Jayne Cobb" style hat. I had no set pattern for it, just a copy of the DVDs and a very understanding pause button. I worked on my evenings, weekends, and lunch breaks to finish the hat in time for the show, which was late June. [Even knowing he was going to CosPlay as a different character]
I will never forget how his face lit up when he saw it, and even more when he realized it was for him. That I had made him a "Cunning Cap".
We both took turns playing with it for a long time, and enjoying a small quasi-tangible link to what was our favourite show. Serenity was the movie we chose to watch on our first date, sitting in a packed living room he shared with 2-3 other roommates. He was my Wash, and I his Zoe.
We even bothered our poor cat to some degree by making her wear the cap.
The hat to us became much more than a love token, or a symbol of our beloved show.
In 2009 my husband was diagnosed after two emergency brain surgeries with a terminal brain cancer.
For him, the quote from the episode featuring the Jayne Cap become almost his daily mantra.
"When you can't run anymore you crawl. When you can't do that... find someone to carry you." [Firefly ep. The Message]
My husband ran. Then for a long time he crawled. When the cancer took more and more of him, it was our friends, and our Browncoat friends who helped to carry us both. To care, to help, to carry.
I understand there is a lot of questions and animosity going around right now bouncing between the FOX owned IP, the 'Helper Monkeys' at ThinkGeek , and the many single person owned shops at Etsy who have been making by hand for years and years Jayne Cobb Cunning Caps to sell to the Browncoats who adore, love, desire one- but for whatever reason were unable to do so themselves.
The way I see it, FOX owned IP is making money off this venture, absolutely. Especially with the surge of "Geek Culture" becoming more acceptable and mainstream public. I know ThinkGeek is making some money as well**, but as they are a business with more than one employee, they do also have to play by legal rules and acquire the "rights" to a knitted cap design to be made to quality specs by another company- Riddle Junction. Not knowing too much copyright law myself, the only real comment about Riddle Junction I can make is that they are a 3rd party given the license by FOX to manufacture the knit caps then sold by ThinkGeek. TG is now in a sad position of angering some of the very fans they felt they were trying to include. Etsy shops that have had to be shut down are suffering- and by no means were these large scale operations bringing in "big bucks"- mostly female owned self-businesses covering costs of materials and shipping for other Browncoats. One such shop run by a wonderful woman named K. (who wishes to remain anonymous in the hopes her shop can be reopened) makes many geek themed items (among them from Doctor Who, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and more) but did not herself make any of the knit caps or list any on her Etsy page. She only had other items such as bookmarks or buttons on top of her own artwork that she always listed as “inspired by *name of show*”. Yet, because she used keywords relating to the show, her Etsy shop has been suspended. She also disclosed to me that the money she makes off her Etsy store goes to buying groceries.
What I have witnessed over the last few days on the internet is a lot of anger, frustration, sadness, and some hate.
So, who is really "winning" with this? By a monetary standpoint, I'd say FOX is coming out ahead.
From a publicity standpoint, I think many larger issues are now being brought into light- how Intellectual Copyright law is applied, how certain sellers are suffering and if a knit cap with no set pattern (other than a tricolor shading, a pom on top, and ear flaps.... which sounds like any of these hats of the thousands of images in a quick google search) is limited merely in name.
What my hope for the other Browncoats out there is to have a discussion; how can a specific fandom deal with IP/Copyright laws, and what if any, is a responsibility to the fandom by the company that is kept (in part) in business due to the loyalty of fans?
All I personally know is that since my husband passed away last fall there is only one person in the world I would consider passing along my Wash's Jayne cap to- his most adored television show writer; Jane.
FOX may or may not consider that cap part of their IP (since I made it myself from no set or bought pattern, and did not sell it myself) but it means ever so much more to me.
************* EDIT 04-10-2012 11:21AM
As of 11:30am on April 10th, 2013 ThinkGeek announced through their online media they will be donating the profits/proceeds of the Jayne Caps from Riddle Junction to Can’t Stop The Serenity . While I personally think this is a massive step in the right direction, the larger issue of using questionable legal tactics to put (even temporarily) artists and fans out of business is an issue FOX and all other studios should be considering and talking about. As it was the fans, the Browncoats that helped to push the cancelled show into a follow-up movie years later, the power of a fan-base is a strong one. With respect to the original artist’s work, the fans who love and admire the show and who wish for some tangible connection to it are the ones who now suffer. The individual artists who lovingly and with care hand-make these tangible items, most slightly different from another, and most an homage to an item they love, are now the ones who pay a high price.
ThinkGeek heard the fans and responded timely and in a charitable way that some Mudders must approve of, perhaps now we and other Browncoats can petition Etsy that doing the proper thing is human, important, and matters.
EDITED 14:30 FOR CLARITY
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Hard Words
It's been a while since I've felt comfortable enough, or had the precise words to explain what is going on in my life past the physical details. [Foot not fully broken/fractured, still fraked up for a few weeks.]
Births, marriages, engagements, deaths- too many, pregnancies, jobs, new locations.
This is the excitement and progress of my friends and family.
I am happy for them. I have far more hope for any of them than I hold for myself.
Roger Ebert in one of the short notes he sent to me said that it was alright to write about the horrid parts of life. The nasty parts of cancer not shown in those films with a happy ending. It is ok to share the utter desperation, the desires, the lowering of one's self on the chance for mercy from a world that holds no "fairness".
"Truth is not always a happy ending." R.E.
How very true.
This post might hurt. It hurts to write, and I'm sure for some it will hurt to read. Cancer and dying hurts too. Living and knowing the one person you loved, who loved you back, is gone and will never ever come back- hurts.
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - W. Goldman [The Princess Bride]
When we got married slightly to this theme, that quote meant something so different to me. Wash inscribed my wedding band with "As You Wish" on it.
It's quite amazing how much foreshadowing our relationship has without either of us really picking up on it. I had him nicknamed "Wash" within weeks of us dating. We both knew what happened to Hoban in "Serenity".
I am not "stuck". I am however, mad lately. I'm mad that people around me who have not felt this pain feel it is appropriate to tell me how to deal with my pain. I'm mad that they think there is some magic number of weeks, months, or time that can pass before I should be where they want.
I'm mad that people want the Tashi "back" that does not exist anymore.
She's gone just as surely as her Wash. Never coming back.
I think that acceptance is slowly happening.
I'm mad at myself for hurting at someone else's happiness. I am utterly confused at how it is possible for me to feel so happy to see friends get married, or have a child, or get hired at their dream career, or become pregnant- and so mad at my own life for being deprived of that.
I had 4-6 weeks of marriage before the cancer began to grow in his brain.
Twice we almost stayed pregnant. Twice we both held onto Hope that in some way (biologically at the very least) Wash could continue on. Twice it ended in blood, pain, and tears.
Leto the cat is now the only living part of Wash I still have, or can hold.
I find less and less to talk about, socially. I have little I can relate to with my peers.
The Widow's support group is also made up of people in pain like me, but all so much older. All who had time or a chance at a life with the one they loved. They had children, reasons to wake in the morning and function. They had homes they built up together that they could get comfort from. Years, sometimes decades of memories to hold on to. To recall. To soothe.
I am mad at the people who suggest that because I was "only" married for a short time that I can/could/should "move on" now. That 6 months is enough time to "heal".
I am mad at those who imply I will have or find love again. I had it once. I found him once. I gave my heart and soul once. Who are they to know my intentions? Who besides my own self should say if I even desire to love again?
I am at the age where so many of my peers are married, engaged, pregnant, or having children. Over and over I see milestones I wanted to have myself, and cannot.
I will never have a new birthday card from my husband again. I'll never hear him sing to me that I'm his "Queen of Argyle".
I have pain. I have sorrow. I have tears. I have little Hope to share.
I have a large space to carry pain, to support others. Some days I wake as Atlas, carrying the weight of the world upon myself, and not questioning why I do this. Why I carry this burden.
I am hurt that Cancer keeps stealing people we love. I am tired of this. I am 26 and so tired.
I carry Hope, but it is not a weightless burden.
Hope is painful. Hope does not protect the heart. Or the brain. Hope is irrational, one of the confusing parts of being human I am still trying to comprehend.
When I began this written record I chose "Learning to Hope" in the sense of Hope for my Wash. For his future, for his fight, for us. Now, I think the Hope is for me. How to keep wanting to Hope, when I know so well how much it can hurt. How the nights are spent either awake, afraid of the silence and dark, or sleeping restlessly in a dream of chasing someone I can never catch.
Hope that someday life will become desirable, not just passive, waiting for the moment I breathe out but not in.
How do I continue on, when I still hear him in my head? When I can still read his stories and words? See the world from his eye in his photographs.
He is gone but save a digital footprint of his existence.
And, yet.
Yet...
He is the Gaius to my Six.
Whispering in my ears. Touching my hair. Standing in his kilt. Kissing my neck. He lives in me, in my brain, in the memories he shared and gave to me to hold. I cannot begin to imagine how one can "get over" that.
This is my pain. My grief. My anger. My sadness. My soulmate. My timeline.
My life and future to mourn.
Yes, I still hurt. I can smile, but I ache.
I feel a need to hide away from the happy world. From the lives others are living. I am not living. I exist right now.
Is this the trade-off? Is this the start of my re-payment? A karmic debt I owe?
Is this the price of love? Of the short, but fully complete happiness I once had?
I think I am still too young to say that for certainty. I think I am not omnipotent enough to say that for certainty.
If this pain is the start of the price I now pay, I owe.
I owe this pain, and I own it.
I gave my self and my heart up to him. I willingly gave it. I gave him everything I could.
From 2008-2012 I had his love in return. I had him. I had unconditional love for all of me. I had more than a friend. I had more than a lover. I truly knew Hope, in a painless sense, then.
I had his love.
If this pain is my price, it is mine.
I would do it all over again, in a hummingbird's heartbeat. Knowing the pain, the tears, the sadness, the blood, the loss. I would do it again.
He was worth it. 4 years, or 40 seconds. His love was worth it.
It does not ease the pain, does not put a balm on my wounds, but it is the truth.
I would put myself through every bit of this pain again, for him.
I can wish my story had a happy ending. I can wish it was a different type of cancer, a different disease, a life of health. I can write that we struggled, but overcame and lived happy forever until we both died on the same day, decades after our marriage. I can write we had children, and grandchildren. I can write we both had perfect dream lives.
But I write truth here, not fiction.
There is no "happy ending" in my life. My love story is a tragedy, not a happily ended romance.
Photo is from approx 2004-06 from Wash's Speech Black Book. [Speech and Debators will know this.]
This is his opening selection from "Will the Circle be Unbroken" by Studs Terkel that he used in an Oratory or Dramatic piece.
Births, marriages, engagements, deaths- too many, pregnancies, jobs, new locations.
This is the excitement and progress of my friends and family.
I am happy for them. I have far more hope for any of them than I hold for myself.
Roger Ebert in one of the short notes he sent to me said that it was alright to write about the horrid parts of life. The nasty parts of cancer not shown in those films with a happy ending. It is ok to share the utter desperation, the desires, the lowering of one's self on the chance for mercy from a world that holds no "fairness".
"Truth is not always a happy ending." R.E.
How very true.
This post might hurt. It hurts to write, and I'm sure for some it will hurt to read. Cancer and dying hurts too. Living and knowing the one person you loved, who loved you back, is gone and will never ever come back- hurts.
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - W. Goldman [The Princess Bride]
When we got married slightly to this theme, that quote meant something so different to me. Wash inscribed my wedding band with "As You Wish" on it.
It's quite amazing how much foreshadowing our relationship has without either of us really picking up on it. I had him nicknamed "Wash" within weeks of us dating. We both knew what happened to Hoban in "Serenity".
I am not "stuck". I am however, mad lately. I'm mad that people around me who have not felt this pain feel it is appropriate to tell me how to deal with my pain. I'm mad that they think there is some magic number of weeks, months, or time that can pass before I should be where they want.
I'm mad that people want the Tashi "back" that does not exist anymore.
She's gone just as surely as her Wash. Never coming back.
I think that acceptance is slowly happening.
I'm mad at myself for hurting at someone else's happiness. I am utterly confused at how it is possible for me to feel so happy to see friends get married, or have a child, or get hired at their dream career, or become pregnant- and so mad at my own life for being deprived of that.
I had 4-6 weeks of marriage before the cancer began to grow in his brain.
Twice we almost stayed pregnant. Twice we both held onto Hope that in some way (biologically at the very least) Wash could continue on. Twice it ended in blood, pain, and tears.
Leto the cat is now the only living part of Wash I still have, or can hold.
I find less and less to talk about, socially. I have little I can relate to with my peers.
The Widow's support group is also made up of people in pain like me, but all so much older. All who had time or a chance at a life with the one they loved. They had children, reasons to wake in the morning and function. They had homes they built up together that they could get comfort from. Years, sometimes decades of memories to hold on to. To recall. To soothe.
I am mad at the people who suggest that because I was "only" married for a short time that I can/could/should "move on" now. That 6 months is enough time to "heal".
I am mad at those who imply I will have or find love again. I had it once. I found him once. I gave my heart and soul once. Who are they to know my intentions? Who besides my own self should say if I even desire to love again?
I am at the age where so many of my peers are married, engaged, pregnant, or having children. Over and over I see milestones I wanted to have myself, and cannot.
I will never have a new birthday card from my husband again. I'll never hear him sing to me that I'm his "Queen of Argyle".
I have pain. I have sorrow. I have tears. I have little Hope to share.
I have a large space to carry pain, to support others. Some days I wake as Atlas, carrying the weight of the world upon myself, and not questioning why I do this. Why I carry this burden.
I am hurt that Cancer keeps stealing people we love. I am tired of this. I am 26 and so tired.
I carry Hope, but it is not a weightless burden.
Hope is painful. Hope does not protect the heart. Or the brain. Hope is irrational, one of the confusing parts of being human I am still trying to comprehend.
When I began this written record I chose "Learning to Hope" in the sense of Hope for my Wash. For his future, for his fight, for us. Now, I think the Hope is for me. How to keep wanting to Hope, when I know so well how much it can hurt. How the nights are spent either awake, afraid of the silence and dark, or sleeping restlessly in a dream of chasing someone I can never catch.
Hope that someday life will become desirable, not just passive, waiting for the moment I breathe out but not in.
How do I continue on, when I still hear him in my head? When I can still read his stories and words? See the world from his eye in his photographs.
He is gone but save a digital footprint of his existence.
And, yet.
Yet...
He is the Gaius to my Six.
Whispering in my ears. Touching my hair. Standing in his kilt. Kissing my neck. He lives in me, in my brain, in the memories he shared and gave to me to hold. I cannot begin to imagine how one can "get over" that.
This is my pain. My grief. My anger. My sadness. My soulmate. My timeline.
My life and future to mourn.
Yes, I still hurt. I can smile, but I ache.
I feel a need to hide away from the happy world. From the lives others are living. I am not living. I exist right now.
Is this the trade-off? Is this the start of my re-payment? A karmic debt I owe?
Is this the price of love? Of the short, but fully complete happiness I once had?
I think I am still too young to say that for certainty. I think I am not omnipotent enough to say that for certainty.
If this pain is the start of the price I now pay, I owe.
I owe this pain, and I own it.
I gave my self and my heart up to him. I willingly gave it. I gave him everything I could.
From 2008-2012 I had his love in return. I had him. I had unconditional love for all of me. I had more than a friend. I had more than a lover. I truly knew Hope, in a painless sense, then.
I had his love.
If this pain is my price, it is mine.
I would do it all over again, in a hummingbird's heartbeat. Knowing the pain, the tears, the sadness, the blood, the loss. I would do it again.
He was worth it. 4 years, or 40 seconds. His love was worth it.
It does not ease the pain, does not put a balm on my wounds, but it is the truth.
I would put myself through every bit of this pain again, for him.
I can wish my story had a happy ending. I can wish it was a different type of cancer, a different disease, a life of health. I can write that we struggled, but overcame and lived happy forever until we both died on the same day, decades after our marriage. I can write we had children, and grandchildren. I can write we both had perfect dream lives.
But I write truth here, not fiction.
There is no "happy ending" in my life. My love story is a tragedy, not a happily ended romance.
Photo is from approx 2004-06 from Wash's Speech Black Book. [Speech and Debators will know this.]
This is his opening selection from "Will the Circle be Unbroken" by Studs Terkel that he used in an Oratory or Dramatic piece.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
If Walls could talk
I bought myself an Anniversary card. One that I thought Wash might have chosen for me.
I think this is going to be the hardest week/anniversary to deal with before this coming Sept.
There is a big part of me that just wants to curl in a ball under my covers with my kitties and cry.
There is also a part that knows time will pass on.
6 months since he died tomorrow. Half of a year. Autumn and 'Winter' [well, AZ winter].
I have extra Xanax for this week, I talked to my doctor about it back in Feb.
I'm so sad, and so angry at the same time.
We never even got one year of marriage without cancer. We never got to have even one anniversary "normal". Without cancer, or the threat of death hanging over us.
I'm mad and sad.
Wash used to create. He would make me things; goggles, watch-chains, a Cryptex (my engagement present) leather pieces. Mini models. Stories. Sketches.
There will never be any new things like that from him ever again.
The card is from me. To me. In his name and memory only.
I wanted more. I was not ready. I am not ready.
It is too late now.
14 March 2009 was the top. That was the happiest Pi day. The day where anything and everything in our life together was possible.
We should have been two joined families. It's too late now.
6 months tomorrow. Should have been our 4th anniversary in 4 days.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
ECCC episode IV: A New Hope
There is too much for one, or even two posts from the last week. I will have to do a poor job of just summing it in brief.
I was happy. I was happy this past week, in a way I had not been since 4 years ago when Wash and I took our little trip to Vegas and got married.
Those few days of, and the two days of 'Honeymoon' we had after were my happy moments. The happiness in his face, our joy, and our utter faith and confidence that we (might have some bad and good moments) would be together from that point on, for decades, until we both died in our advanced ages- hopefully together.
That is really the only thing I could ever be mad at him for; he broke that promise. He promised, he swore to me he would let me die first.
I cannot be mad though, as he did not ask for it. He did not ask for cancer, and he did not ask for an early death. He did not ask to die before he ever saw 30 years go by.
So, it was a difference. 4 years without really having a smile, sustained joy. Excitement.
Meeting new friends was more wonderful than I think I'd felt it at any other time in my life. It is like an emotional puzzle with other people as pieces, all coming together to create a feeling of 'completion'.
Seeing some "old" friends was a true joy as well. I had a chance to bond and become much closer to someone Wash was quite fond of, and cared for. Well, he did that with all his friends, true, but I recall him saying many times over how much we all had in common- he expected us to be the type of people to remain close and good friends for our adult lives.
Having had a longer chance to meet and talk with her, his lovely Brother, I have to agree.
It was a feeling so lovely, so happy, so light!, to be able to talk to someone else who knew my Wash BEFORE the cancer. Who knew him as the person/man I had fallen in love with. It was easier to remember the happy times we had BC and to share them, and mostly to laugh.
It was good for me to see his friends and the other people he adored/loved who carry on his passions. Who love certain parts of architecture as he did.
Perhaps that is one reason why ECCC was so comfortable for me; instead of utterly terrifying.
It was a giant center filled with people very much like myself, and even more like my Wash. There was familiarity there. A sense of remembrance; not having ever been to Emerald City ComicCon, the exact layout was not familiar; but the people, the CosPlay, the games, the booths... all images that I recognized.
I went down at one point to the lowest low convention room/basement/lower basement.
Also known as the "Gaming Rooms".
..........
[Insert Table/Card/Dice/LAN gamers growling at yet again, being stereotyped even within the 'geek' Subculture, and thrown in the 'basement']
One person I spoke to suggested, perhaps only partially joking, that the elevator button just have a sticker with "Dungeon" put over the Lower Level/Basement button.
However, I wanted to see if I could find anyone who way playing Warhammer [40K or Fantasy] or a table-top game, since I play a bit myself. Mentally, it felt like Wash would also kick my ass or haunt me if I was at Con and did not check things out.
I am glad I did.
I met a exhibitor there who introduced me to a new Table-top game [Fanticide] which my friends ended up buying for me.
It is a pretty cool game to begin with; but more so, it is compatible with other TT sets. You can buy specific models for the game, of course, but you can also use anything else you already have/own.
For me, this is really the best I can ask for.
I can have a (new) game to play with some of *my* W40K sets and minis that I kept, and the local Games Depot took Wash's old stuff to be donated to their game room, for all others to play with. [Outside of what he Willed for his friends to keep]. I can go down, play on the terrain that Wash and I made, but not the *same* game that we played. It will not have those same memories, which are mostly keeping me from doing any W40K playing myself. It is too hard, when all I can think of is him as a missing partner.
With a new game however, I am excited to learn the new things, to build on the knowledge that Wash gave me by teaching me these kinds of games [slightly different than the D&D stuff I did a LONG time ago].
I'm excited about playing this new game.
I know that Wash would have been pleased beyond words at that.
I'm pleased with myself for feeling I'm doing this more for myself than just for his memory.
Highlights I will address in future posts; meeting specific people/celebrities, panels, Con commentary.
*****************************************************************
I am back home now.
My cats have calmed down, some. Aelphie does not wish to let me out of her sight (like she did as a wee kitten) and if she has the chance, will crawl into my lap.
She is not a lap-cat, either.
Leto has been chirping a lot more, and running around- pretty much acting like a kitten. At 3 years old for a male Maine Coon, technically, he still is a kitten. I am pretty certain he just missed having someone around- all.the.time.
That has been his only life really; as a companion. To Wash, every day for more than the first two years of that cat's life, he was with Wash. Then, me.
I think if Aelphie would tolerate it, he would play with her. She does not, alas.
This has been a very changing week for me. Though I have had a lot of fears, I have learned that I can get through them. Not all the time, or even with 100% consistency, but I can. More so, I tried. I put myself out, I lived as Tashi; and I let myself experience life as Wash would have (wanted).
The past week opened me up to trying again. To See.
There are times still to just be Going Through The Motions, and now I also feel ready to try living again.
That spark in me of love, and life is gone. I know that. He is never coming back. I will never feel that same lifebeat with anyone else.
But I still remain.
My heart still beats.
I still breathe, even when it is hard or I've forgotten how.
My blood still flows, my mind and body; still connected to each other and the world.
Brain Cancer- Glioblastoma Multiforme took my husband, my love, my life, my Wash, our future.
It took from me too, so much I perhaps cannot even list it all.
But I still remain.
I cognate.
I see.
I remain.
I was happy. I was happy this past week, in a way I had not been since 4 years ago when Wash and I took our little trip to Vegas and got married.
Those few days of, and the two days of 'Honeymoon' we had after were my happy moments. The happiness in his face, our joy, and our utter faith and confidence that we (might have some bad and good moments) would be together from that point on, for decades, until we both died in our advanced ages- hopefully together.
That is really the only thing I could ever be mad at him for; he broke that promise. He promised, he swore to me he would let me die first.
I cannot be mad though, as he did not ask for it. He did not ask for cancer, and he did not ask for an early death. He did not ask to die before he ever saw 30 years go by.
So, it was a difference. 4 years without really having a smile, sustained joy. Excitement.
Meeting new friends was more wonderful than I think I'd felt it at any other time in my life. It is like an emotional puzzle with other people as pieces, all coming together to create a feeling of 'completion'.
Seeing some "old" friends was a true joy as well. I had a chance to bond and become much closer to someone Wash was quite fond of, and cared for. Well, he did that with all his friends, true, but I recall him saying many times over how much we all had in common- he expected us to be the type of people to remain close and good friends for our adult lives.
Having had a longer chance to meet and talk with her, his lovely Brother, I have to agree.
It was a feeling so lovely, so happy, so light!, to be able to talk to someone else who knew my Wash BEFORE the cancer. Who knew him as the person/man I had fallen in love with. It was easier to remember the happy times we had BC and to share them, and mostly to laugh.
It was good for me to see his friends and the other people he adored/loved who carry on his passions. Who love certain parts of architecture as he did.
Perhaps that is one reason why ECCC was so comfortable for me; instead of utterly terrifying.
It was a giant center filled with people very much like myself, and even more like my Wash. There was familiarity there. A sense of remembrance; not having ever been to Emerald City ComicCon, the exact layout was not familiar; but the people, the CosPlay, the games, the booths... all images that I recognized.
I went down at one point to the lowest low convention room/basement/lower basement.
Also known as the "Gaming Rooms".
..........
[Insert Table/Card/Dice/LAN gamers growling at yet again, being stereotyped even within the 'geek' Subculture, and thrown in the 'basement']
One person I spoke to suggested, perhaps only partially joking, that the elevator button just have a sticker with "Dungeon" put over the Lower Level/Basement button.
However, I wanted to see if I could find anyone who way playing Warhammer [40K or Fantasy] or a table-top game, since I play a bit myself. Mentally, it felt like Wash would also kick my ass or haunt me if I was at Con and did not check things out.
I am glad I did.
I met a exhibitor there who introduced me to a new Table-top game [Fanticide] which my friends ended up buying for me.
It is a pretty cool game to begin with; but more so, it is compatible with other TT sets. You can buy specific models for the game, of course, but you can also use anything else you already have/own.
For me, this is really the best I can ask for.
I can have a (new) game to play with some of *my* W40K sets and minis that I kept, and the local Games Depot took Wash's old stuff to be donated to their game room, for all others to play with. [Outside of what he Willed for his friends to keep]. I can go down, play on the terrain that Wash and I made, but not the *same* game that we played. It will not have those same memories, which are mostly keeping me from doing any W40K playing myself. It is too hard, when all I can think of is him as a missing partner.
With a new game however, I am excited to learn the new things, to build on the knowledge that Wash gave me by teaching me these kinds of games [slightly different than the D&D stuff I did a LONG time ago].
I'm excited about playing this new game.
I know that Wash would have been pleased beyond words at that.
I'm pleased with myself for feeling I'm doing this more for myself than just for his memory.
Highlights I will address in future posts; meeting specific people/celebrities, panels, Con commentary.
*****************************************************************
I am back home now.
My cats have calmed down, some. Aelphie does not wish to let me out of her sight (like she did as a wee kitten) and if she has the chance, will crawl into my lap.
She is not a lap-cat, either.
Leto has been chirping a lot more, and running around- pretty much acting like a kitten. At 3 years old for a male Maine Coon, technically, he still is a kitten. I am pretty certain he just missed having someone around- all.the.time.
That has been his only life really; as a companion. To Wash, every day for more than the first two years of that cat's life, he was with Wash. Then, me.
I think if Aelphie would tolerate it, he would play with her. She does not, alas.
This has been a very changing week for me. Though I have had a lot of fears, I have learned that I can get through them. Not all the time, or even with 100% consistency, but I can. More so, I tried. I put myself out, I lived as Tashi; and I let myself experience life as Wash would have (wanted).
The past week opened me up to trying again. To See.
There are times still to just be Going Through The Motions, and now I also feel ready to try living again.
That spark in me of love, and life is gone. I know that. He is never coming back. I will never feel that same lifebeat with anyone else.
But I still remain.
My heart still beats.
I still breathe, even when it is hard or I've forgotten how.
My blood still flows, my mind and body; still connected to each other and the world.
Brain Cancer- Glioblastoma Multiforme took my husband, my love, my life, my Wash, our future.
It took from me too, so much I perhaps cannot even list it all.
But I still remain.
I cognate.
I see.
I remain.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
There must be some way out of here
I think it has been long enough that I'm not spoiling this for anyone, but on the chance you have NOT seen season 4.0 or 4.5 of Battlestar Galactica and you even think you might want to; stop reading now.
I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.
This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.
This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.
I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.
When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.
For different reasons now.
Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.
I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"
No, too much.
But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.
*********************************************************************
Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.
He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.
So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.
'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!
I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.
This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.
This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.
I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.
When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.
For different reasons now.
Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.
I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"
No, too much.
But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.
*********************************************************************
Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.
He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.
So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.
'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Streaking
I feel like I am turning into a character from a Stephen King novel.
It is cold and wet outside; the sky covered in clouds.
I am burying myself in blankets and socks. Also, a warm cat or two to snuggle with.
So much writing. I need a new ribbon for my typewriter. [Smith-Corona Corsair Deluxe portable]
Actually, my online writing is done on the computer, the typewriter is just my old, old friend; I think I got mine back in 1990? Thereabouts.
However, the overall mood, the same themes as are in the books I've read until they became cannon, it feels a bit odd to suddenly be living it.
I don't really want to see anyone right now, no company. No distractions.
My downstairs is finally closer to being cleaned and organized in a way my Asperger brain enjoys and can function in. Part of my brain is already doing the same to my upstairs level, but the actual work there is harder; the bedroom is still the last room where there are things left that he moved and touched and put into place.
It is harder to be 'ready' to change that. Ready, ha. As if such a thing could happen in a human life. Rationality can only go so far, even I could only prepare for some of what was to come.
Cleaning the bedroom changes it. Changes it TO a bedroom. It started that way, when we first moved here in 2008. Once he got sick though, it changed. We slept there, yes, but being bed-bound changes so much. The mood of the room was not the same. The items in it. The sounds. The colours. The photos and objects on the walls, even.
It was a place of sickness, even by accident. By proxy.
Now to me, it still holds the strongest memories, and the majority of my reluctance to change it.
Words and thoughts, even lucid dreams rob me of any real 'rest'. My thoughts have become a perpetual motion machine, spinning ever forward and back. Flipping between some social order of "normal" to be outside of my house and in social situations, to hysterical uncontrolled laughter at something that I find funny or he did. I hear his voice less in my head, but a stronger compulsion to 'talk' to his TARDIS urn.
I miss his body, but in strange ways. I just miss how he felt pressed against me. I miss having my head and my ear line up with his heart when we were physically close. I miss kissing the part of his neck where it met his hairline. I miss how his ears were always cold, even in the Arizona summer.
Mostly it comes at night, when I am alone in the bedroom-that-is-not-a-bedroom, sleeping in a bed that feels half empty.
It is different because there was no choice involved. He did not choose cancer. He did not choose to die young. He did not choose to have a tumor remove his memories and change his being.
He only chose how to live.
Busy days help me. Busy days though, cannot keep out the thoughts. The questions.
The world is so open to me, but the person I want to share everything of myself with is gone.
Is it still a desire if there is complete certainty it will never happen?
It is cold and wet outside; the sky covered in clouds.
I am burying myself in blankets and socks. Also, a warm cat or two to snuggle with.
So much writing. I need a new ribbon for my typewriter. [Smith-Corona Corsair Deluxe portable]
Actually, my online writing is done on the computer, the typewriter is just my old, old friend; I think I got mine back in 1990? Thereabouts.
However, the overall mood, the same themes as are in the books I've read until they became cannon, it feels a bit odd to suddenly be living it.
I don't really want to see anyone right now, no company. No distractions.
My downstairs is finally closer to being cleaned and organized in a way my Asperger brain enjoys and can function in. Part of my brain is already doing the same to my upstairs level, but the actual work there is harder; the bedroom is still the last room where there are things left that he moved and touched and put into place.
It is harder to be 'ready' to change that. Ready, ha. As if such a thing could happen in a human life. Rationality can only go so far, even I could only prepare for some of what was to come.
Cleaning the bedroom changes it. Changes it TO a bedroom. It started that way, when we first moved here in 2008. Once he got sick though, it changed. We slept there, yes, but being bed-bound changes so much. The mood of the room was not the same. The items in it. The sounds. The colours. The photos and objects on the walls, even.
It was a place of sickness, even by accident. By proxy.
Now to me, it still holds the strongest memories, and the majority of my reluctance to change it.
Words and thoughts, even lucid dreams rob me of any real 'rest'. My thoughts have become a perpetual motion machine, spinning ever forward and back. Flipping between some social order of "normal" to be outside of my house and in social situations, to hysterical uncontrolled laughter at something that I find funny or he did. I hear his voice less in my head, but a stronger compulsion to 'talk' to his TARDIS urn.
I miss his body, but in strange ways. I just miss how he felt pressed against me. I miss having my head and my ear line up with his heart when we were physically close. I miss kissing the part of his neck where it met his hairline. I miss how his ears were always cold, even in the Arizona summer.
Mostly it comes at night, when I am alone in the bedroom-that-is-not-a-bedroom, sleeping in a bed that feels half empty.
It is different because there was no choice involved. He did not choose cancer. He did not choose to die young. He did not choose to have a tumor remove his memories and change his being.
He only chose how to live.
Busy days help me. Busy days though, cannot keep out the thoughts. The questions.
The world is so open to me, but the person I want to share everything of myself with is gone.
Is it still a desire if there is complete certainty it will never happen?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
An Unexpected Journey
Yesterday was a pretty awful day.
Last night was filled with dreams and emotions; re-living the terrifying moments of last year.
This morning I wake up to be reminded of how much I am loved and cared for; because my beloved friends are sending me to EMERALD CITY 'CON 2013!
Seattle! 3 days of Geeks & Nerds; Artists & Authors. Friends!
I am in happy, happy shock.
I will have to post the video; my gift was inside another gift; an interactive story book.
MB, KB, LL, NM <3 are="are" p="p" wonderful.="wonderful." you="you">
So many people I admire will be there. So many creations I have grown up with, adore, aspire to.
I am still not certain how to take Wash, because he does have to come with me somehow, but he will be there too. It's just not a 'Con without Wash there.
Seattle: 2 months and I will be in you!
I am in shock.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Smiles
Ending my day with a nice note.
I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.
Before the cancer.
Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.
It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.
It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.
How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.
I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.
I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.
Before the cancer.
Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.
It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.
It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.
How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.
I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Lisa Simpson (TM?)
Spending my day with cats cuddling in my lap and watching wonderful movies (Director's Cut where applicable) based on books or graphic novels I own;
*Manhunter based on "Red Dragon" by Thomas Harris
*V for Vendetta based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & David Lloyd
*Watchmen based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
*The Dark Knight based on Batman The Killing Joke by Alan Moore & Brian Bolland (with reference to The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, which I also have)
Showing my geek side today.
Wash loved me in part for this(the geekery), and I loved him back for it.
Sometimes the most powerful moments happen due to Art.
Seeing "Watchmen" in the theatre with him was one of the best moments we had.
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