Monday, June 28, 2010

Scientifically Researched

Leto the little Duke is just darling. He has such a cute face and might even be a longhair! We still are giving him little daily baths/washes as he can't quite get it all himself.

It is just so good to see Wash happy. And this little guy makes him so so happy. He is smiling and he even decided last night he wanted to go off his anti-depressants. I'm ok with this; I've always allowed him body freedom with his medications. He is still an adult and still able to make those specific decisions and if he wants to feel less muted or drugged, I'm ok.

I am trying to take comfort of my own in the little purrs that come by my ear and the fact that he follows us everywhere and is imprinting on us. I have the time right now since I am at Stay At Home Caretaker/Wife to help him in his kitten infancy. Another few weeks and he will be big enough to do things on his own, we can cap his claws then and work on starting to introduce him to Aelphie. Gonna take it reaaaaal slow on that front as she is a cat... well... Wash says I have given my cat Aspergers too. I told him that's utter bullshite and she just has a very non-personable personality, but meh. She only tolerates me, and sometimes Wash. Whereas Leto is very very very happy to come over for attention and pets and love and he will cuddle on our lap, shoulder, back, chest, head, anywhere he can climb to. He even likes his little belly rubbed.
I'm going to be interested to see how they interact as they get older. Small greyish female cat and orange male kitty; by the size of his paws though he might be a big cat when he gets all grown.

Wash has been taking care of my garden while I stay in bed and don't frak up my knee even more. Some things are not doing well with our extreme heat this month (over 110F) but the majority of my garden should be fine and I expect a large number of tomatoes still. Peppers too. And the mint is unkillable!

We cleaned the bedroom really well this morning and I have been working on my bathroom too. I hope to try and keep this place clean and tidier; it's hard when I have Wash to deal with and his literal inability to see dirt/messes. I just always do my best.

Had some good family bits/news the other day. Small but every step forward is still something worthwhile to me.
Also had dinner with my cousin the other night, and it was really great to spend some time with a supportive member. She also gave Wash some ideas and he is trying to help her create some water features and improvements in her garden. I'm excited and again, it's always great to see him to happy.

Another Leto photo as he is just nom-able and kittens on teh internets=win.

Friday, June 25, 2010


So we went down to adopt a kitten before this litter was given to a kill shelter and were all set to look at the females. Wash wanted another little girl to play with Aelphie.

We ended up having our hearts taken by this runt of the litter marmie. A longer furred little boy. He's adorable and is showing quite a personality! We've named him Leto.

My day ends quite well.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sad State

Medical costs for me (so far) in June 2010; Rx costs $551.75 ER and Surgical costs $1133.50 and I'm waiting for two more bills still. $1685.25 that the taxpayers of AZ now face to pay from me because my insurance company would not keep me on and let me continue preventative medicine. I called this one back in May.

I begged and appealed to keep medical insurance. I cried to keep my antidepressants so I could stay sane and functional. "It's policy and there's nothing we can do. Have you thought about moving to Canada?"

I called and said, "I will be put in the hospital without my medications! What's cheaper a thousand dollar hospital bill or the $40 you pay to my doctor to see me for 15 mins a month?"

Well Arizona, your "policy" just cost you about 1700$. It that a high enough cost to change the policy? Or do you need my husband to die still before things change?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I have insurance again.

Thanks be.

So far I have had to call and yell at my insurance company 3 times in the past day to get them to correct and update their files, but I have health insurance again.
This has been a battle for me really since Feb of this year.
Which is great as they decided to post-date my insurance I will simply bill them for the cost of my most recent trip to the ER; so far $1100 and counting.
I warned them. Back in April and May I called and begged to have medical coverage while in appeals and they denied me. I informed them it would be less costly to have me get preventative care and maintain my medication... they said no. So now the state ends up paying thousands more for my care since I had to do an ER run(s) instead of just seeing my own doctor and getting a surgical referral.

But, I've at least got the ball rolling again for me, and soon I will be back at the dosage I need to be functional, then life gets better on a day to day basis.
There's just always so much to do, and not always the human power to do it!

I'm trying to make this a good week. I want a good week. I want Wash to enjoy life as he's coming off his chemo and able to be... "almost human" again.

So, since our local Browncoats aren't doing a show 'til the end of September we decided to host a little costume / CSTS event for Joss' birthday this weekend. I'm excited and plan this year on going as Inara or perhaps another companion. My hair is getting nice and long and curly, I have a gorgeous sari to wear... I could work it. Wash has yet to decide what to go as; I've told him he can't do the bluehands again (he did it 2 years ago). Could go as Cap'n Tightpants, or maybe Washburne, put him in his hat and boots he could even pull off a Jayne.
I'm excited and it'll be a good chance for him to see his friends and socialize.

Thanks to Netflix I am also now getting caught up on the 9th Doctor's adventures. Most excellent. I do miss my ginger Doctor, but that's a Time Lord for ya. Never staying the same.
I would leave in a nanosecond with Wash if the TARDIS appeared.
Maybe someday he will see the stars...

Monday, June 21, 2010


I was asked today if I had the power to go back in time and "start over" (ie without Wash) would/when would I? No. I might be living a life with a very tragic ending, but I would not give up one day of his love to "spare me it all". I'm just sad that the love I have and the unconditional love I get back is something this person just can't see.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Midnight snack

I made crock-pot stew last night. Wash was hungry and I wanted something easy for the rest of the week.
We have a 20 some odd year old Rival Crockpot, it's about 2.5-4 quarts.

*2 cans whole kernel corn
*2 cans mixed beans I use kidney beans and black beans, can be almost any bean
*1 can green beans / or 1 frozen 12 oz bag of beans/mixed vegetables
*1 can peas or see above with frozen veggles
*2-4 cans stewed and diced tomatoes, also can be done with whole tomatoes
*16 oz of ground meat ; I use fake since I don't do meat. Morningstar Farms FTW for me. Cannot be frozen but does not need to be cooked first
**Black olives are optional they add a chili type of context to it

Combine all ingredients using only the juice from the tomatoes, 1 can corn, and 1 can beans. No more liquid should be necessary.
*2-4 tbsp salt to taste
*2-3 tsp of pepper to taste
*I add fresh oregano and fresh basil, but dried herb can be substituted in. I use 1/2 - 2 oz depending on flavour

Cover on low heat for 6-8 hours, or high heat for 4-5.
Can be frozen and reserved for months.
Makes approx 8-10 servings.

Friday, June 18, 2010


It's chemo week again. On top of that we have had 8 doctor visits in the first 4 days of the week. I have drive to the hospital in central Phoenix like, 3 or 4 times this week as well.

I got my knee in a temporary brace until the surgeons can get my MRI and decide if/how they want to surgically fix my knee so I can walk again.
I'm paying out of pocket for this. I can't afford it.

It's been a very hard week. I hope to have more energy to write later on today.

Father's Day this weekend is not going to be much fun. Wash is already getting upset about it. I don't blame him, I feel the same way.

I just feel so alone in all of this.

Monday, June 14, 2010


Interested in laughing?
Want to see how awesome my Wash is?

Check out his most recent Stand-Up bit as seen at The Comedy Spot in gloriously hot Arizona!

**Warning humour is adult themed and may not be suitable for children or offense-sensitive people

Saturday, June 12, 2010


So, me!
Ahhh, I avoid attention. Wash finally heard back from the surgeon for me and I have my appt with him on Tues morning. Which is nice 'cause I really would like to be able to walk without a cane or not hobble right now. I'm worried, chemo week is almost here again and I need myself healthy to care for Wash right now. Crap. Crud.
Also, more bills to come from all this I know and I just wonder how it's going to get paid? How more frakked my credit will be?

I am terrified of knee surgery. Terrified.

Aelphie is doing ok, Wash and I were talking this week and offered a chance at adopting a kitten. We've been discussing it and have to meet said kitten first but might get a second one. Aelphie could use a friend she can play with, and I miss having a little bar of fur around. Plus this wouldn't be "mine" or "his", it'd be ours.

He threw out a comment earlier this week, "So what about a day in June then for all the men who WANT to be fathers and can't?"
I wish I could give him that. So much.

The pain never quite goes away. It all becomes transferred. Physical pain to mental, mental to psudo-physical to emotional...
As hopeful as I am from all this, perhaps another year or two with the man I love, it wears on me. It hurts me, burns my soul. I fear for what will happen to me when he goes, who will help where he used to? He truly is another part of my own self; I remember what I used to be like before I found all the good things of life and living. I worked with death and would dream of the dark. My life was to be one endless stretch of solving murders, and putting names to those who have broken faces and nothing to them anymore; not even flesh.
He changed that for me. I found my garden, my passion for life with him. My desire to live in the world, not be too apart from it.

There's a preemptive ache in my heart. And my knee fraking hurts too.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Wash on Disability/Handicap

I've found a way around looking at handicaps: It's not a handicap: It's a varying ability. Some people can play piano with a talent I could only dream of, some organize, some can stand bravely in front of a crowd and speak. There is no stigma attached to not being the quarterback at football, consequently there is none for any one of our mental abilities, either.

I can still accomplish things that others would blanch with fear, likewise there are some things that most people can handle with ease that I can't anymore.

They're all spectrums, rather than absolutes. "Handicap" is an arbitrary marker on that spectrum. I'm considered handicapped because my endurance is far lower than others. But I just have less endurance.

How we stabilize ourselves is just another spectrum, whether our imaginations overwhelm our senses, or not. Whether we're conscientious or unburdened, marks whether we're "handicapped" or "Disabled."

I look at it as I'm just not as good at it as another given person. No stigma.
Wash snores so loudly/snuggled up so cute he sleeps/my sleep his heart beat

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

So we made it

The second of our little "story/profiles" to be aired.

We have another interview and photo shoot today for our local paper weekly.

Wash is also making my appointment with a knee surgeon this week.

Monday, June 7, 2010

this will be brief sorry. I'm on quite a heavy dose of painkillers.

Wash's MRI came back today all kinds of good and clean. His brain is looking nice, the scar tissue is not growing at all, and the holes and pools left from his surgery are also reducing at last a bit.
Means that though he will never be 'better' or the same as he was, he will probably not be getting any worse right now.

No new tumours. So now I have a good chance of seeing my husband around for another year, maybe even two.

while we were down at the hospital my knee which had been growing more pained over the last week finally had enough and wouldn't support my weight or move. 3 hours later and my patella has not been re-broken so I am being sent off to a specialist who will see if I need either rehab again for my knee or surgery this time.

so, i'm taking it easy physically this week, and Wash is happy to be alive and still as capable as he is, so i'm trying to focus on the good.

Friday, June 4, 2010


Monday our friend goes missing.

Wednesday evening we hear of it.
Thursday morning he was supposed to meet with us at our place for the morning/brunch.
Thursday afternoon the police found and ID'd his body.
Friday afternoon we were told it looks like a homicide due to GSW.

I have been crying all day. It's a hard, bad kinda day.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Bad news kinda day

Poor Wash.

His friend went missing at the start of the week; they found his body this afternoon. I got to break it to him. It's a sad day.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

And the Week's Only Half Done...

Evening folks! It's Wash writing this entry,

Wow, just... wow.

Earlier this week, I appeared voicing my opinion on ABC news, but it seems coincidence... no, Providence has taken a hold of Television.
Watching the 5 o'clock news showed one of my friends has gone missing since Monday, and I was set to meet up with both his wife and himself tomorrow morning.
Tonight, watching In Plain Sight, one of the guest characters died of a Grade IV brain tumor. That assuredly strikes a little close to home as she tried to make an impact with her last few breaths. I can sympathize.
Then, in the trailer for the following episode, the guest of the episode has Asperger's Syndrome, really getting to Tashi.
This keeps up, we may never turn the TV on again.

But as for this weekend, it would appear I was somewhat of a hit at the Open Mic night. At least, the heckler that bugged everyone before me left me alone. Maybe he was tired, maybe the terminal nature of my illness shut him up.
I found the experience cathartic, though. It's freeing to admit these things to the world, and letting myself plus a room full of strangers know that despite the fact that I'm dying, I still have my eloquence and stage presence. Some days not much else, but stand-up and speaking hold no heavy fear for me. It helps myself and others deal with an Elephant in the room that dying of cancer sometimes creates. It's out there and open. I have to be comfortable with it. So I was able to. It's my outlook.
If I can't even laugh at myself, cancer wins. I'm not gonna let cancer win.

Life is short. So don't take it seriously, none of us get out of it alive. 'Night everyone!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Apropos on page 88

Oh today went shitty fast. Apparently I was grossly misunderstood and for that deserved to be yelled at.

See, he did great at his stand-up. And he loved doing it. BUT, there are two clubs that hold open mike nights locally. The soonest next time he could go on stage is my birthday weekend. And the prep would require that we do no activities that weekend save getting ready to go on stage and resting.
My birthday last year was the worst day of my life. He's aware that I really wanted to do something nice this year.
So, I explained to him that it kinda sucks how well he does at comedy; his success means my sacrificing again. I explained to him that I like seeing him perform and being happy. But it still sucks that it comes at a cost to me. See, I don't know if I will get another birthday to celebrate with my husband.

So, this basically comes out in a hissy/yelling at me fit. He's not talking to me, not communicating his issues. Then he blows up and spends 4 minutes attacking me because of all the things he hasn't told me which I am assumed to know.

He's not talking to me. Or asking questions. Or clarifying. He just makes his assumptions. I could not even ask him a question this evening, it was an attack. He cannot admit the truth as it is presented in front of him. It's his brain, frakking everything up.

He is upset that I am not playing with him that much right now. I just can't make him understand AND remember that I am the adult, and I have all the responsibilities. It's ok if he wants to sleep in until 11 am everyday, I have to be up. It's ok for him to spend a day playing at the local Games Despot but I have paperwork, phone calls, bills, insurance claims etc to do. And if I don't do them it's not like he can or will. It all ultimately lies with me and as much as I want to do everything he wants, sometimes I just can't.

It's tiring. It's exhausting taking care of everything. Trying to also be his brain and memory full-time too. It's all the cost, work, pain, responsibility, and work of BEING two people, with almost none of the rewards for me individually.

Yes, some days I am jealous. Yes, some days I am sad. Some days I am so depressed I wonder if I can move. But even my very best days I have worries and duties that he never has and is unable to recall are there.

I'm not really allowed to talk with him about this. That isn't being a very good friend or wife to him. I don't have many friends at all to confide in. The ones who are my age are all scared off by the death and sudden life change I have undergone. They don't really call me, or attempt to hang out anymore. The few older friends I have I don't always feel fully comfortable confiding in. And even when I do there's not many people I could call at 2 am to talk to.
It's sad. There was a time in my life I had at least a handful of then true to me friends who I could call at 3am and they would be there.
Not anymore.

It's a lonely existence. I feel both a very young woman and also so very jaded and old.

I'm not unhappy he did so well. I'm upset that the lack of timing and options for his own happiness means I have to compromise my own again. And the thing about cancer is, it's not Wash's fault there's only two clubs locally, or that the soonest spot is that weekend, or even that he wants to do it again right away; but Cancer means that I have to put it first always now. I have to put his needs, wants, happiness before my own every time. And since it's not his fault, or I can be mad at Cancer not Wash, I have to eat up the pain of my own wants. I have to smile and try to forget that there are things in this world I desire. I will not get them. And it's a mark of an awful person to put my needs, my wants before his own. He's dying not me. He has Cancer, not me. Therefor my wants/needs do not take priority or matter, and thus, I as a person with an identity do not matter.

Smile and make him happy Tash.

It hurts less if you also pretend you're not real.

Black and Cloudy skies

Another night going to bed after 2 am and up around 8.

We went out and set up the telescope last night and looked at the moon and some stars.
It was a good way to end the day. And a better way to help pick me up.

We should have the tape of Wash's set by this week's end. Yays. He wants to do more stand-up but there are not too many venues around our town apparently.

He's asleep and I'm gonna go do some dishes, cause if I wait for him to do his turn they won't be done for another 6 days.
He tends to 'forget' his chores a lot and just not do them.
Or like, wash one glass and let the rest "soak" for 2 days.

Oh, men!