Sunday, September 13, 2015

L'shana Tovah

There are still a few hours left in 5775, here is to wishing a Happy New Year 5776!
May this be a year of Peace, Love, Camaraderie, Healing, and Joy for all.

Though there may be blame to share, I ask forgiveness.
Though there may have been harm, I ask for healing. 
Though hearts may have hardened, I ask for love and compassion.
Though there may have been destruction, I ask for solidarity in building anew. 
Though there is War, I ask in humility for Peace.

שנה טובה l'


Monday, July 13, 2015

Serenity, Now

I'm trying to get in to have my mental health meds adjusted, but apparently my EAP service switched as of July 1st, so I'm back on a waiting list.
I need Xanax bad, and I've got barely two weeks left of my antidepressants.
I've noticed my Aspie tics are coming back hard, and I have no control over my compulsions.
I'm scared to see someone new and have to tell the whole story again. It fucking traumatizes me more every time I have to go into details with Psychs to explain.

But, I'm really not doing well. I'm going to work, and feeding/caring for the cats. Paying bills. Literally that is it. I'm barely doing laundry, my house is so bad I won't even let my father inside anymore, and I just don't fucking care at all about my appearance or clothing or shit. I'm barely eating even one whole meal each day.

I've outlived Wash. It'll be his birthday soon, and even sooner his Death anniversary.
I know I'm not doing well. I know I need my meds changed, probably increased, and I need way the fuck more Xanax, because I can't fucking cope.

I've outlived him. He did so much, and I've done fuckall. They keep trying to change my job too, so I barely feel like I'm even helping anyone anymore.
I'm just having trouble seeing the point of anything.
I don't have joy in anything anymore. It's all fucking pretend and a mask I wear, and it's exhausting to pretend to be "ok" all the damn time.

I'm not even hanging out with my neighbours much anymore.
Everything hurts. Everything.

It should have been me, not him.

It's all just a waste of time. A wait for time to pass. For nothing. He's not coming back.
I lost my husband, my family, my best friend, my future.

I feel like I am merely existing, a fucking shadow.
And I feel like no one wants to listen.
"It's been 3 years, Tashi...."
No. It was yesterday. It was last hour. It was one minute ago. It is always happening, over and over and over, never stopping the pain.

So, I haven't really been around much. That's why.