Wednesday, March 12, 2014


5 years ago today I was packing for our Vegas wedding and sitting in my living room with my intended, three witnesses, and our officiant going over our wedding paperwork.

My heart hurts not for love I have lost, but pain BECAUSE I have loved with all of my being. I gave myself to him, and he to me.

It was the hardest, most joyous, and deepest gift I could ever have given. 
It was worth the pain I feel now, for even the memories of the soul we shared.

I will share one more thing- the first book Wash ever loaned to me was his precious copy of Carl Sagan's "Cosmos".
Owning a copy myself, it was the gesture rather than the book itself that lent meaning.
He told me from the start, We are ALL made of stardust...


Story Time, friends.

Back around Feb 2008 or so, my wonderful friend E. spent almost two straight months trying to introduce me to a guy. April comes around and I do meet him- and immediately assume he is not single.
A week later, she began to bug me- 'What do you think of him??'
After I learned he was in fact, free to date, I agreed on a dinner with him.

We had one date at the end of May 2008. Our dinner lasted 4 hours. We spent another two talking after that, and ended up falling asleep on his couch watching "Serenity".
I waited a full week before agreeing to another date.

We then proceeded to see each other almost every day throughout June and into July.
We decided to take a visit to IKEA at the end of July. He loved architecture, I always need bookshelves. We were holding hands, just enjoying each other's company.
It was then I spotted it- a gorgeous recessed sink on a small stand. I must have said something or made a 'WANT' sound, because he was asking me about it- where would I want it, the functionality, and more.
He said it would be good in OUR bathroom.
I replied I was not planning on living with anyone but my future spouse.
He said he knew that. He still thought it would look nice in our space.

We both held silence for a half minute. I recall I was the one who broke the silence with a pointed question," Wash , did we just get engaged at the IKEA?!"

Why, yes, yes we did. There was an official proposal a couple of weeks later, but our engagement began after about 6 or 7 weeks of dating. The "official" proposal was at our favourite Diner, and though he got to embarrass me there, as he had asked for an engagement ring himself, I got to get down on my knee as well before I placed the ring on his finger.

I honestly think I knew though, that first night, on our first proper date.
That man would be in my life for as long as I lived. He would be my husband, or my best friend, or both, but my life would not be complete without him.

That, my friends, is the start of my love story with Wash.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Too Little, Too Late

I was doing ok today. Not great, but not horrid.
I get home and sitting in my mailbox are two letters. Both from the same place, both unsolicited "junk" mail.
One was for me, one for Wash.
They were soliciting for Health Insurance.

"WASH- Did YOU know you can now be covered for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act aka ObamaCare? Well, you can! Give us money! ...."

And just... getting mail for him today was shitty. Most days it does not bother me at all anymore. Not today.
Especially getting THIS mail.

Only 5 years too late.

I tried going for a walk. I even ran into one of my Rabbis out with his baby daughter for a stroll as well. That helped distract me some. But.
Now my brain is stuck on the "what if" line of thoughts. And that is a very bad place for me to go down.

I am so mad at the world/universe/whatever right now. It all just hurts so badly, and I am just so fucking MAD.

I can't even have a good cry because my asthma is too shitty today to let me breathe in-between sobs.

I just want him back. I know it is impossible. Not improbable, but impossible. And that hurts.