Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Get what you need

I saw the sun come out this morning. 
For the first time in some days I didn't wake up angry or scared or just numb. I woke up trying to just Try today. Not just giving into what I "have to do" and going my automotan ways.

Wash and I had some long talks. He will play by the rules now. Or, will try, at least until his treatment ends.
We've both compromised. He can still go out some, but I will always know ahead of time now and don't have to worry too much about him getting into trouble or hurt.

I still wish he'd wear a MedID tag of some kind.   Maybe he can get tattooed when he heals up well enough.

Got lots of people coming in to see and visit with him soon. That's good. It always cheers him up. He's a friendly cheerful, social person to begin with. That's why I really do understand his frustration at not being allowed outside the home [with some exceptions]. 
Me? Fuck, I've been housebound for years before and I wasn't even sick! But, I don't like people or socializing so that's me.

Still no headway as far as my family goes. My mom told Wash she wants an apology from me. I'm not sure what for? For me going to Christmas morning at her place when I wasn't invited? I'm all kinds of confused by her ways.

Everyone thinks I need new / different therapy myself. 
I would agree, BUT, what's the long term benefit here? Hell, what's the short term? I cannot think of any "pros" except - It gets them off my back for still being depressed.

I'm still puzzled by this. My life has been drastically altered in a very short amount of time. I've had no time to really adjust to this and with this disease the continuation is fairly predictable but not on a perfect timeline.
Meaning even if he goes into remission after he gets done in Jan we have no idea how long it will help.

I've cancelled all long term plans. I've stopped making new ones. It's both too hard, and too painful for when things don't come to fruition. 
How "fast" should I be "getting through this"? 
Fuck them. 

I find my soul mate- the one person I have ever found who makes me happy and gives me peace. Something I have been searching for since Forever. 
And I am told to watch him die a very hard, painful, and soon death.
How is anyone supposed to "take it"?

Day by day, hour by hour. 
That's how I have to live now.

I guess I'm still scared today too.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day's Night

Today turned into a Bad Day real fast.

He broke one of our [mine] House Rules. He went out without telling me info about it.
He has memory issues and doesn't /won't wear an ID bracelet. He's not allowed out unless someone is with him or I'm aware of where he's going, when, and when he's back- and a couple more details.
Didn't get them today.
Didn't get a lot of information I needed from him today.

We had to have a "Come to Cancer" meeting. Yes, his memory is affected. Yes, he has had seizures. They won't be considered medically "under control" for another month. So, no, I don't like him going out on his own whim. Too many variables. Not to mention if he gets so much as a cold right now it really could kill him.

And we fought about it. Really, I think our first real blow out fight since he came home from the hospital without the tumour.
I just can't figure out how to tell him, the right words to make him understand.
I can't be the one legally responsible for him if something happens 'cause he won't listen to me. I will not restrain him physically unless I absolutely have to- that's a bit of a difference between me and a Home. Or with his father. I just try so hard already to keep him safe, it cuts me to the bone when he begs me - "Please Tashi please it's Death to make me stay inside."
I know it must hurt him so to stay inside and not get to "do" things and experience everything, but right now, while he's in treatment with Chemo and Radiation I have to. Because that's how I can keep him alive. It doesn't do much for his spirit though.
I hate this. I hate having to watch what this does to him on all levels. Physically he's changed, his whole biology. He's lost some sight too. He's not as strong. He can't think as fast. He just wants to do what he can with the time he has left. I really do understand it. I think he forgets there was a time when I was quite sick as well. I hate how I'm the "bad guy" now too, because I won't let him use this as an excuse and slide.
There's just always so much to be done.
So much pressure. Never time or thoughts for me.

He said, "When was the last time you were even happy?"

October 24th. That was the last 'happy' day I had I can recall. Or, at least one where I was not waiting for my pain to end.

Watching him is just pain.
I can't imagine how to live without him, where I would even go, but it gets painful some days to come back home.
I love him.

I hate this..... disease/cancer/tumour/surgery scars/chemo effects/brain changes


I miss the days where I wasn't thinking about his death. Death was my job - not my Husband.
I miss looking at him while he was sleeping and thinking- 'He's so handsome'
Not every night when I watch him sleep wondering if he will be awake come morning.

I NEED him to hold me together.

What am I going to do...?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Let it Snow

Good things.

Two of my closest friends [and our witnesses on our marriage doc] got engaged yesterday.
I've known him since 2002 and her since 04. They've been dating mostly since 04 and moved in together last year.
I'm thrilled. It's good news always to have more love in the world.

Lessee, what else?
Wash got himself a new DS Lite game system. It's damn fun. I'm actually thinking of getting one myself- then we can play together too.
He never really got into my PS2 system. However, his little brother got me some new PS games. Fun. I appreciate the effort they make to try and help me have an outlet and relax.
Cause, I'm really not doing that much anymore.
His parents got me Season 1.0 /1.5 of BSG plus the Miniseries on DVD. They rock. And know me/ us. Which is even cooler I think.

I spent most of my time yesterday at the "family" xmas crying while everyone opened gifts. I left - Wash stayed- and I just drove. Made it almost 100 miles closer to Cali. I came back though.

Got a card from my step-dad. Said "Don't fuck over family."

Best thing though? Aside from the wonderful time I did have with Wash yesterday, he got me something wonderful.
A wedding band. It's Ti and polished, slightly curving and rounded, and matches my engagement ring so nicely.
It's the ring I would have chosen myself really. Which makes it so much more wonderful that he found it and got it for me without my input.
I think though, it's the engraving that I most cherish.
"As You Wish"

I will hold onto that when I get scared of our future- the one where I look after a husband who cannot remember who I am anymore.
That part is only a matter of "when" now, not if.
But I have this. I have my memories of our love, and who he really was. Something physical to hold onto.

Please let me have another Christmas with him.

Friday, December 25, 2009


I really do think so far this has been the worst Christmas ever. Even counting in the time I was 5 or so and really sick over it.
See, my mum uninvited me to Christmas morning at her house. Wash did his best of course to try and get things settled just for a day, as it may be his last Christmas and he's not really looking for material things. He wanted time with family.
Well, that got fucked.
I didn't hear a word from her all week. Not a peep or text. We go over there today, he and I.

I left after two hours or so. I couldn't stop crying. Kinda sucked ass. I didn't even open presents. I let Wash open the joint ones for us, and mine are all packaged up still now under my tree here at home.
Wash is still over there spending time.

I got in the car and just drove. I made it close to 60 miles towards Cali. I did turn back.

I think tomorrow morning when I wake up I'm going out shopping and picking up orange rolls. That's the tradition. Except they were all having french toast this year. I fraking hate change. I want my bloody orange rolls. My Father-in-law did help me out and showed me how to change out a blown fuse in my car. I popped the radio/rear defroster this week. However, it's all fixed and what's more, I can do it myself next time. Ha. Love learning things like that.

I don't think I have really been this depressed in years. I try, but it's just so hard to keep positive now, or to be optimistic. The joys in my life are being stripped away from me - seems almost every day now.
This has just changed everything, changed our lives- our life together so much. See above re: change.

Happy Christmas all.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Never to [F]art

My poor darling.
The hair went bye yesterday.

We also tried talking about children. I guess I wasn't ready. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Beating Heart

So, since last I was here let's see what's up.

My mother has uninvited me to Christmas with my family. Now, my husband is ok to attend but my aunt doesn't want me at my mother's house with her, so I'm banned.
... the fuck?

Also, the very first boy I ever went on a date with [though nothing came of the summer camp romance...] has died at 22 from OD'ing on alcohol. Sad. 

Sad a lot more these days. Wash's hair started to come out this week, in chunks. He's going to shave it now. 

Can't ever forget the Cancer. It always surrounds us. 

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Last saw you laughing

So, over the past year on my lunch hour I usually take a walk around my complex then head off to the park across the canal to walk.
During the spring and summer and some fall days Wash would meet me and we'd walk together on lunch.

There's a really nice older gentleman who owns a metal work shop nearby. I wave and say Hi on my walks. He knew Wash too.
Stopped me as I was coming back today, asked me where my handsome escort was?

So I told him. About the cancer and everything. And he just listened. Nodded a bit. Said, "Do the best you can, that's all you can ask of yourself."

It's crazy. Sometimes I just want the normalcy back, the regular schedule. My schedule, where I know and control things. You can't control cancer. And that's what I can't ever forget. You can't control cancer.

It's been 7 days, a full week now since he last vomited. I take from it that my cooking is helping and we finally have his meds down as best as we are going to get. He's best and most active mid morning then just declines til dinner, then some energy to around 11pm or so. 

Also, why is there no "Kama Sutra; for Cancer patients" ? Damn man, capitalize. I'll have to make one I guess. Do they think sick people don't want sex? Or that chemo robs one of the sex drive? Cause it doesn't... 

Back to work now. Going to try and get his chemo meds for the next week today. Stupid insurance and a mix up last week has meant this is damn hard to just get his "poison pills". 

Just do my best.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


What the hell did I used to do to calm down before owning gLee! ?

Gads I love that show, and the songs. Been singing all day. And, wouldn't you know it? I've been in a better mood all day.

Gonna go rummage in the kitchen now methinks.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Heaping helping of "Life's Not Fair"

Life is not like storybooks. It's pain and hard and unfair and there is no one there to come rescue you at the end.
My life would make a good book. A wonderful love story. Fuck it. I'd trade it all if I could just have the normal life back.
If we could just... erase his cancer. Take away the tumour- his Waterloo.

Life says to me many things. Life told me I was to die early. Life made it hell growing up, not a pleasant thing or one I'd wish to repeat. Life took so much that I loved away from me.

Wash took me out of all that. Wash brought me back to life. Took me out of my death office, took me away from my nights at the morgue or tracking down bones in the desert.
He brought me to light, and warmth, and love.

We had barely 2 months of marriage under us before the cancer started to eat away at the brain of my greatest love.
Just not enough time. Life's not fair. Never "enough" time.

We can't have biological children now. Maybe none at all. Life says to me that I am to miscarry the only child I will ever have with my husband.
Another whopper of unfairness.

I am my husband's caretaker. I'm his nurse. I'm his mother. I'm his friend. I'm his babysitter. I'm his cook. I'm his maid. I'm his laundress. I'm his company.

I'm forgetting who I am.


So we did a total
Over $11.000 a month. About $388 a day just in pills to keep Wash alive. Not counting the price of his Radiation either.

I heard / figured out that he's getting me / got me me a wedding band this weekend. I'm excited. He won't tell me anything. By the time we eloped we had paid off the engagement bands and his wedding band, but never found one for me. However, I really never cared until this whole thing went down but now I do.
I feel the need to rush so much of life.

His hair started to really thin and fall out too. Mostly on top for right now, but we will see how much it spreads. We are taking a few nice photos with him with hair for his grandmum then he says he's ready to shave it off this week. He doesn't like the patchy look. I can't blame or begrudge him any of it.

My best female friend is in town visiting-Eva. As you may [may not] recall she's the one that really got myself and Wash together as a couple. Wash says he owes he a big one. I smile at that and agree. It's nice to have her back, and really have some time this week to catch up on the last two years that we've been apart. I'm quite excited and happy. Plus we got to pump up the airbed in the guest room and try it out. If it works I'm gonna get a bigger one at some point to use for camping.

Family Hannukah stuff is at the end of the week. Wash has learned the Hebrew prayer all by himself. He's been practicing and it's such a nice sentiment. Just like when we put up the tree, it's this intense feeling of "Family/ Love" when we make our own traditions. I adore it.

He had a bad night last night. Tossed til after midnight, up at 2 am for an hour almost sick. It's almost 7 now and he's been sleeping well for a bit now. I'm glad. I worry so much about him. It's constant pain and worry. I dissociate. Some days I don't know how to cope, others I am strong for him.

Do I make pancakes or sweet Scots oatmeal for everyone this breakfast?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Out hard

"You're snoring. Roll on your side love."
[No movement]
"Huh? Wassat?"
"Roll over baby. You're snoring."
"Oh. Ok"
[No movement]

I think tonight may be a sleep downstairs night.
Least he's a cute sleeper though.

Here we go

This is my space. I'm claiming this. I'm going to be honest, harsh, beautiful, and escape here.
This is our story, and mine. The story of finding my soul mate and the process of watching him battle a terminal disease.
So much more to come.