Friday, July 18, 2014

Still Alive

I am stuck at home with Asthmatic Complex Bronchitis right now.

So bored.
I want to be at work. Feeling useful. Like I contribute. 
I want to be helping all the people who need insurance right now.
It's what I do, and I get so much satisfaction from my work.
2 more months and I will have been there a year! 

The cats are fine, but being little buttheads and ignoring me whilst I am I'll and in pain.
Ok, not that much pain, but I would still like to pet one of my cats. They just want to eat and nap right now.

I've been doing fairly well as of late.
I made new local friends.
I am out socializing in a non-work capacity now about 3-5 nights a week. I see my family almost every Sunday for breakfast/brunch and some Sci-Fi TV show watching.
I am currently introducing my brother and father to the joys of Warehouse 13.
Overall, I am being compliant with my meds, have a job and routine schedule, get out of my home to socialize with others, gaming again, and repairing family ties.
I'm in a better place. I can say that.

I still have hard days. I had a PTSD trigger at work a couple weeks ago, and that left me a mess for days.
I don't think a day has gone by without a thought or a million of Wash.
I miss him. So many little things and details. I wish he was still here for all the new things going on; weddings, births, graduations, careers, friends buying homes or moving away. So many daily moments of things I just want to share with him.

But I am trying to think of myself now. Which is difficult.
I am trying to think about my own wants, desires, joys. My own future, career, life.

It is not easy, but I work on that daily. It helps to distract from the pain of his loss. That has never faded. I have only found ways to distract myself from it- my job is a wonderful salve. 

I just want to think he would be proud of me.

Lungs hurt too much, so I will continue later. 
Enjoy a photo of myself in a Bane (nebulizer) mask. 
It felt like I was a dragon with that on.