TARDoor Returns!

When we first moved into our (my?) current home, pretty much the first thing my husband noticed was our door that was almost the same colour and shape as the TARDIS.

He asked a few times if he could put up a TARDIS sign. We did not have time the first Halloween, we were still moving in.
The second one, we were both in the hospital; I pretty much lived there for the couple weeks Wash was in there.
The third, he started to get back to the TARDoor idea again.

So, we started to turn our door/home into a TARDIS on Halloween. Traditions begin! [Occasionally on Christmas or Boxing Day as well]

He was SO PROUD of how it came out. He spent about 2 hours on the windows alone. Wanted to make sure they were "perfect". The architect in him.

This year, I was planning to just hide out with a good scary movie. We do not get too many kids on our street, and there are none living in the complex currently.

However, as I got on with my day, I started to feel like something more than just Wash was missing.

I did not spend as much time as he did on perfecting the location of everything, but I did my best.
Tonight, I will watch "Blink" and the other Weeping Angels episodes while I paint and wait for any kids to come by. It's also a good night for "Zombieland" and "Hot Fuzz". It's Tim Dalton!
I am still feeling pretty down, between some miscommunications with family members, some well meaning people trying to give me perspective but in a real badly phrased way, and just missing the fuck out of Wash. He loved Halloween. I might post pics of his old costumes tomorrow.
I hate money issues.
I hate having no credit. I hated to have to find money to pay upfront and in full for his cremation and death papers, and I've hated that after 7 weeks I still have not received a cent from the $225.00 Death Benefits I am entitled to as his spouse. Which is not even 1/3 the cost of what I had to pay.
I have tried to let a lot of my anger and hatred go, and to some extent, it has worked. To another, there is still a lot of anger to people who are now no longer in my life at all.

Back to topic. Apologies, Dear Reader, this is my life. Mid thought of anything, and thoughts of Wash or his end will come into my mind. Always.

So I spent a little time today bringing back out the TARDoor.
I don't think/know if we have any Doctor Who fans in the complex, I guess tonight I will find out.
One of the frat brothers who lives close to me is splitting a pumpkin pie with me tonight.
Minutes seem like hours, and then 4 hours will pass in just a few blinks to me.

This is *my* TARDoor. I suppose there is always a chance I might open it tonight and find my TimeLord.

Trick or Treat

**Edited**

I have decided that on the off chance I have trick or treaters tomorrow night, the first one over in costume gets a full size chocolate bar.
Good chocolate too.

Tootsie pops (normal ones, not those tiny shitty ones) for every one else who might come.
This will be my 5th Halloween here and we've never had any come. I do hope this year that changes.

That kid will be SO EXCITED and probably remember Halloween forever.
The parents will either hate me for their child's sugar rush, or eat it themselves and enjoy the fuck out of it.

A Bylaw: if two children show up at once, the full size will be decided "Thunderdome" style, or if both too young; Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
If three or more children show up at once, whoever had the costume on that would win in a fight with the other costumes/characters will take it.
I'm hoping I get a Hulk. Even better if there are little girls dressed as superheroes.

Hide and Seek

-My birthday was fine. I will write about it later.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday


As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.

I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.

It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.

Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.

A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me

It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?

I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.

But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.

I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.

So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?

The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.

Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.

My family is awesome not just for bowling on my birthday but quoting The Big Lebowski the whole time. I love these people!

Struggles

Redbox is giving me a free rental tomorrow.
Going to see Cloud/Atlas with my mum.
Eating dinner with my family at my favourite Mexican food restaurant.
Going bowling after.
Birthday pie.

I am going to try to enjoy it.

In truth, I am struggling a lot with stopping my brain from just constantly re-living the 25th, 26th, 27th of October 2009. When we found the tumor. When my life changed completely, and my world stopped on its axis.
When my future and dreams were stripped away by a connected group of rogue cells 9cmx5cmx3cm.

Tomorrow will be my first birthday as a Widow. My first birthday without my husband.

Today is even one minute at a time.

I have some great friends who sent me a LEGO set and Fringe. 

If anyone is wanting to send me a little "birthday" something, I do have a amazon wishlist, or the Fundly Site is still running for another two weeks. I do still need to figure out some monetary needs for his memorial service, and to cover back the cost of his body removal/cremation. Not surprisingly, his family did not help with that. Thankfully, we found a place to take care of it as "cost" so it was only a bit over $600... but as I still have not even received my $225.00 "funeral" settlement from Social Security...  there are stresses. 

Now is not the time to talk about those issues though. That just leads me to a place of hurt, anger, and betrayal. 

I've been painting a bit more, trying to take a walk each day, get myself out of the house and bed.

I'm starting to forget what he smelled like. 

Really not looking forward to my birthday friday. Its my first as a widow and the 3 year anniversary of finding wash's tumor. Too sad.

I am not going online for a bit. I will respond as best i can to messages. I've been hurt in deliberate sharp ways. I lost my soulmate, why kick my heart now?

I cannot stop sobbing. I miss him so much. I miss his comfort and his assurance to me. I feel lost without my best friend. I am hurt.

Complete the Circle

"Everyone goes through hardships. The challenge of being a person, with compassion, is to pass that help along to the next person who needs it."


Friends, you all have done so much for Wash and myself.
You've helped to keep us in the home he wanted to die in. You are helping me to stay here right now, where I can still feel Wash around me.
You've helped us pay for food, and medicine, and cool air in the 119F heat of summer.

You helped buy clothes for Wash when the cancer changed his body shape, more than once.

Right now, I am living off of your generosity. When Wash died, our small Disability stipend stopped, so it's literally your kindness that keeps me in this home now, helps me to get food, to visit the doctor and get meds to help me cope after Wash's passing.
You are helping me to have the funds to have the memorial for Wash he did want.

I am so thankful for all of you.
I have something else to ask my readers.

I'd like you to smile right now. Chances are most of you have your teeth when you do.
Think of your morning routine, think of waking up and brushing your teeth, brushing them before bed.
Think of every smile you've given before a photo was taken of you. Yes, even the ones where you may have had braces, or a gap, or something in your teeth.

Now, I'd like you to think about my friend Mary O who cannot do that.
Like Wash, she faced cancer. Unlike him she's still around to fight. But it has cost her greatly.
Mary is in her 30s and does not have teeth. She's gone through surgery, and radiation. She has fought.
Medical Care in the US is something I could, and have, written other blog posts about.
But right now, Mary needs some teeth.

So, my friends, I'm asking you to think tomorrow when you brush your teeth.
Think about your $3.00 tube of toothpaste Mary cannot use or buy.
Think about your $2.00 toothbrush she does not have the luxury of being able to use.

I'm asking you, if you can, go to the link. Read her story. Think about your own smile; could you put a value on it? Think about taking the $5.00 you might have spent on your next toothbrush or paste and donating it so Mary can get some teeth.

As always, thank you for helping me continue to learn to Hope for Humanity.

Breaking Silence

I feel a need for honesty; though my friends know with me that is never really a problem.

Yesterday my husband's family had a memorial service in his name.
I did not attend.
Technically yes, I was invited; when my mail/invitation came Saturday AFTER the service in a different State was over.

I am Wash's next of kin, and his executor. I am his widow.
I heard him every day for 3 years describe in great detail his ideal Memorial Service.
I am working hard to make that happen for him on December 8, 2012, again, in the Winter, as he requested before his death.

I am truly sorry to those who may have been deceived by others, but he did want and had Willed me to take control of the details.

The love of my life, my soulmate, my husband died less than 6 weeks ago.

Please keep it civil. I will be moderating comments on this post.

Wash had asked me not to write about his parents' or his issues with them until after his death.

I complied. 

Lisa Simpson (TM?)

Spending my day with cats cuddling in my lap and watching wonderful movies (Director's Cut where applicable) based on books or graphic novels I own;
*Manhunter based on "Red Dragon" by Thomas Harris
*V for Vendetta based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & David Lloyd
*Watchmen based on GN of same title by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
*The Dark Knight based on Batman The Killing Joke by Alan Moore & Brian Bolland (with reference to The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, which I also have)


Showing my geek side today.
Wash loved me in part for this(the geekery), and I loved him back for it.
Sometimes the most powerful moments happen due to Art.



Seeing "Watchmen" in the theatre with him was one of the best moments we had.

Wibbly Wobbly

I grew up with The Doctor.

I even watched the movie of the 8th.

But it was not until I began to date Wash that I learned of the re-launch.
He was SO excited to share it with me, he even did it out of linear order.
The first episode I ever saw with him was "The Forest of the Dead".

Alex Kingston as Prof River Song had me in tears by the end of the episode, with no other context than that one episode.
We were both huge Moffat fans and he wanted a "Grand Moff" episode to reel me in.
It worked.


Then again, maybe there was a reason this was the first episode we saw together.
Things are not always in a ... timeline order.
We saw this before we married. I did not have cable, Wash did. He got BBC and convinced me back in the summer of 2008 to watch an episode.
I was already pretty smitten with Wash by then, but enjoying that episode with him, sharing those moments were so happy. I was able to be myself, to enjoy something "geeky" (it was not NEARLY as popular a few years ago as it is now) and to not be judged but fully accepted.
Wash had some wonderful foresight.

He said I would love Donna. I did.
He said I would love River Song. I did.

"The Doctor, in the TARDIS... Next stop; Everywhere."
"Spoilers!"

4 long years ago. Spoilers, indeed.
So much to come. So much pain. So many happy moments.
A lifetime in the blink of an eye.

I miss him, MY love, MY TimeLord.
It's like living with an echo in my mind.

"You and me. Time and Space. You watch us run."


Doctor: Come on, next chapter's this way.
Song: When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end. But however hard you try, you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies. And nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepted...
Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. 
Not today.
Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all.
Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million day when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call...every body lives.



The time I had with you, Wash, I would not have a line of it re-written.
You live on in me.

Anger

Not doing so well today.

I could use some (real or virtual) hugs.

Too many emotions.

Walkies

Enjoying this nice moment.
Went out for a walk before dinner and met two adorable dogs; a little Malti-Poo who lives down the street and just LOVES to meet new people, and a cute (but big!) 7 month old Pit puppy with some lovely facial markings. The pit lives in my complex and she was also a sweetie.

Aelphie and Leto seem slightly jealous, but, they'll get over it or pee on my shoes.


Today seemed to me more of me mentally shoring up myself instead of needing support from others. It was a nice reminder that I was independent before, and can be again.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today for the first time since my husband died I felt a little bit of my own strength.

For Wash, A Rally Cry

Please remember friends, when Kevin "Wash" first became sick in 2009 we tried for months to get him insured and seeing a proper doctor.
We could not afford a trip to the Emergency Room; our local one which would not have even shown his cancer, because they do not have MRI capabilities.
His tumor grew over months. Agonizing months for him, and me.
We were denied AHCCCS insurance first in August 2009. 
Again in September. His Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor growing the whole time.

October came with an appeals date for health insurance; October 28th, 2009.

Kevin was hospitalized from the tumor and brain damage on October 26th, 2009.

Do I think having proper insurance, having a proper doctor earlier would have saved his life? No, he had a GBM. It was a death sentence.
But, I do believe that had we been able to get him a proper MRI that summer when his symptoms were first evident, his tumor would have been smaller, and he might have had a longer time or a better Quality of Life at his very end.

No one should face what we had to at our age. Because of the Affordable Care Act after 2014, hopefully no one will.

But, people DO die in this country every day, who could have been saved with preventive care.
Vote, because your life DOES depend on it.

Cannot erase our love

Small Photo break today.

I see these Post-It notes he left every day. I see them, read them, and remind myself of his words often.

I have been feeling hurt, angry, and rage filled lately at the opinion of some who by all seeming means, are literally trying to erase me from my husband's life.
Erase what we had.
What he did for me, what I did for him.
Erase the last years of his life.
Erase his happy smiles.

I am angry, because to me, Wash's love for me was just so obvious. Hopefully as my love was to him.
Clear and ever present.
He was the best thing to happen to me, and often said I was the same to him.
That cannot be taken away.


Love find ways to stay, even if the person who loved is no longer around.
His words are. His message. His intent.
His love.

***********************************************************************************

"Future me:
Be excellent to Tashi Today!
Past me"

"Is it possible for me to love my wife... more than I do?
I do hope so."

"Tashi, you deserve far more than what I have to offer. But I'll give you what I can for as long as I can.
Because I love you.
Wash"

Engineer's Thumb

I ended up getting physically ill late yesterday.

Might have been some bad second-hand news I received late in the day, or maybe some spinach I ate which was not fully washed.

I did not sleep well last night for the most part; a lot of digestive issues and mental ones. I tried sleeping on the couch, and on the little bed in the library. Leto, to his lovely credit was doing his best to cuddle with me and make me feel better all night.
At about 3am I got a little manic and did some very light cleaning in the bedroom, and put down the heavier comforter on the big bed.
I also did a load of laundry.

I finally crashed out in the big bed around 4am, pressed tightly to Wash's pillows on his side of the bed.
It still smells like him, since I have not been able to bring myself to Wash his pillowcases yet, or replace the pillows that hold his scent.
It might be a while before I do that. I'm ok with this; I keep the little bed clean, and my pillowcases on my side.
I slept with no bad dreams the few short hours I was down in our bed. Aelphie was right by my chest, Leto was keeping my feet and legs warm. They both seemed to know I needed both of them.

I woke up for my morning Physical Therapy and felt so awful. After spending almost an hour in the bathroom I threw in the flag and cancelled PT for today.
My mum has been checking in on my throughout today.

Thankfully, I manged to keep some (vegan, non fish) miso soup down this afternoon and then had another long nap in the big bed.
It's easier to sleep in our bed when I can smell him. I miss holding him, as I used to do every night. I miss saying "I love you." and hearing it back every night before I fell asleep. I still tell him, but I don't hear it back anymore.

I tried to be kind to myself today.

5 weeks. Both a lifetime, and a second. Closer to a lifetime.

New milestone! I managed to circle breathe for one full minute tonight on the chanter! Progress for the pipes progress for my asthma!

I spill water for the dead.

The Belchies

Friday was pretty ... intense.

I spent the first few hours of the day just sobbing.
Could not stop crying.

I kept seeing his last few conscious hours over and over.

My friends (Wash's frat brothers) sent me a text in the early afternoon to the effect of "We love you, and know it's a bad day. Can we still take you out for distractions?"
I said yes.

We had a nice time getting out for some frozen yoghurt. That was a nice break.

We were attempting to go as a whole group to a "movie in the park" event; a free movie on a greenbelt/lawn. With our weather this is a common activity.

Sadly it was like a coming together of all kinds of "worst case" scenarios.
Some members were running late... we did not have enough blankets to grab space for all of us, there were dogs running loose around, the folks behind us kept spilling pizza on my blankets and pillows.... It became obvious before showtime there were FAR too many people who came to see the movie than the venue really had space for.

To their immense credit my friends cared. About me.
Wash used to be my rock and calming presence when I went out. I do not like going out, really, I do not like crowds, or uncontrolled animals (even at an animal friendly venue), wayyyyy too many toddlers walking around with no parental supervision... my brain was going into overdrive.
Too many noises, too many sensations, too many variables for me to calculate, which is what my brain does when I am outside or in a crowd.

My friends said... "Tashi? You look really uncomfortable. Let's go."
And we did. And they did not make a big deal of it, or make me feel bad for having to leave a planned event due to me.

We went over to C* & R*'s place and ended up getting pizza, and lots of beers, and watched "Clue".
It seemed liked a much calmer (and to me, more enjoyable) evening.

I was still missing Wash, so much, but they really helped to distract me and get me through a bad day.


Today, it's suddenly Fall.
Cold weather, cats wanting to cuddle, and an extra blanket needed for the bed.
I like this. It also means in a week or so I'll have to switch the fish around some; the babies need to be moved to a larger and warmer tank, and the big tank needs to have a heater put in it so the big Molly I'm a Fish Foster Mum for stays warm at night.

I've been watching "The Belchies" this morning, so far about 3 times. I think it might be my favourite episode of Bob's Burgers. Which also means I will be watching 'The Goonies' later, because we did not see it last night.


Everything is different and new at the same time is it familiar to me.


Lately, I've just really missed in so so so many ways getting to be geeky around someone else.
I miss making a reference out loud to a show, a book, a movie and having that person (Wash) who got it.
I miss talking about George Lucas.
I miss talking about geek cons and panels.
I miss gossiping and guessing about movies to be released.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore like that. He's gone.
I find myself still having conversations; as if he could hear.


Cleaning today. Doing some laundry; clothes and the sheets on my little bed I sleep in, and washing the winter blankets (heavier than the summer ones). They're clean, but they kinda smell like the linen closet.


Just trying to tread water today, keep breathing.







*Not their real initials

Feet on the ground

I had dreams last night about the last night Wash was ever conscious and it was pretty horrible.
It was basically re-living it in my dreams.
I could not wake up.

When I did, I spent the first 30 mins or so just sobbing in my bed, I could not even move.

Yesterday, distractions helped.
Today, not so much.

I even got notified that DES won't cancel my health insurance now that Wash is gone, but that is not 'cheering' me up like it should.

It's like his last few hours are burned into my consciousness and it's a record player that won't stop; over and over again I see him, hear him, but just those words.

I don't even know right now, breathing hurts.

Had a nice long conversation today with a video store clerk about the superiority of old VHS copies of George Lucas' work; as opposed to the 'touched up' digital copies.

If there is one thing I know, it's film. 
That was a pleasant distraction today.

I think tonight will be a Peter Jackson works night; The Frightener's, Dead Alive, and maybe Heavenly Creatures.


I have been doing my best to stay distracted today.

I managed to get out for a little over 2 hours.

So far, today has not been as unbearable as Tuesday was.


I've been reading some of his old notes today; he had such a sense of humour.
I miss him in good, bittersweet ways today.

Untitled

In some moments it hits me like a car going 35 MPH.

I just had a conversation out loud.
With myself.
Because I live alone now.
My husband died. I can talk, but he's not going to answer anymore.

I'm so used to telling him everything.
Now, I'm talking to myself/the cats.

Part of my new "normal".

Finally feel like making something for myself to eat. My house smells like matzoh ball soup now. Good comfort food to me.

I am not doing well today. Very depressed. Very tearful. Miss him. I cant understand how deep my own grief is. Breathing is complex. Why?

Finally fell asleep in our bed last night and actually slept. New milestone. Did not wake up crying today.

Bad Things, Good People

My eyes are so gorram puffy from more than 12 hours of crying today.

It's just been a day of grief. 
I've been sad, missing him, seeing reminders of everything everywhere.

I tried cleaning, walking, gardening, painting, reading, napping... no real luck at any "positive" activities/distractions.

The cats have been good at needing pets and love from me today at least.

I feel empty and hollow.
I miss my best friend, my secret keeper, my partner.
I do feel like I'm half a person right now.

I'm calling the lawyer tomorrow about something which might be an issue, but I think legally won't. I want confirmation from him on this though. 

I'll post pics later when I get copies from the Out Of Town friends who came by this week/end.

It was a nice relief to get out, see friends, get hugs.

My friend, and Wash's, Rose* was one of them who came in, she lives far away so this was her first chance since he passed.

It was nice to catch up a little with her, and just have those moments to remember him, to laugh, to cry.

I was ok to be whatever I needed around her. 

Then, she left.

It's a hard adjustment.

The house, the emptiness. 

Going to a routine seems harder than breathing at this point.

I am just aimless. 

Spent most of the day crying and sobbing. Even while cleaning. Guess it is a harder day grief wise missing him. I miss his smell his voice.

"Nothing's gonna change my world nothing's going to change my world." spent my first hour crying this morning. I miss my heart.

Leto, being adorable

Had some nightmares again last night, but I was able to control them more.
I woke up feeling better than I have in a while.

Still broke down and sobbed for a bit in the shower this morning.

The cats have been cuddly lately. Super cute. Needy. I'm ok with this, and spoiling them right now. Maybe we all need it.

My friend R* is here from the Pacific North West on work, and then she's spending the weekend with me before she leaves.
We've known each other for years.
She knew Wash.
She's also lost someone close to her to (a different kind) brain cancer.
So, she knows.

Hour by hour, some worse than others, but I just hold on to Hope that somehow it will start to get better, at some point.
I still Hope it will.

While I had a busy time working out at physical therapy Leto was busy hunting and catching crickets! He left two for me as a "gift". Cats.

Stranger on a bus

The nightmares have started.

Me forever chasing after him; only seeing his back, never having him turn around to face me, thinking he cannot hear me as I chase after him in a very dimly lit hall.

The water comes up at camp, we are all in one cabin together and then in a flash of lightening outside I see him; swimming against the current, drowning.

I am quite worried if these nightmares continue.
I'm still not getting "good" solid sleep yet, and this just scares me away from the bed completely.


The kitties remain ok. They're getting used to all the changes; Leto will still stay by the door if I'm downstairs, but he's pretty clingy still and does not like leaving my side unless he is playing with his sister.
Aelphie has been quiet now for about two weeks; no crying from her.

She also as the oldest cat, and mine, knew Wash before he was sick. She smelled the first changes in him. I think this might be easier for her to cope with right now than me, or Leto.
Leto I don't think he quite understands yet his dad is not coming back.

I've painted a little more. Cleaned.

I'm pretty much done with closing stuff for Wash; I have to make confirmation calls this week that everyone got the papers last week, but one tiny benefit of dying young and poor is the "estate" as it were is taken care of pretty fast.

Which means I am now officially "unemployed".
That word is almost as scary as hearing Wash's name right now.

I can't type anymore today.