Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Stranger on a bus

The nightmares have started.

Me forever chasing after him; only seeing his back, never having him turn around to face me, thinking he cannot hear me as I chase after him in a very dimly lit hall.

The water comes up at camp, we are all in one cabin together and then in a flash of lightening outside I see him; swimming against the current, drowning.

I am quite worried if these nightmares continue.
I'm still not getting "good" solid sleep yet, and this just scares me away from the bed completely.

The kitties remain ok. They're getting used to all the changes; Leto will still stay by the door if I'm downstairs, but he's pretty clingy still and does not like leaving my side unless he is playing with his sister.
Aelphie has been quiet now for about two weeks; no crying from her.

She also as the oldest cat, and mine, knew Wash before he was sick. She smelled the first changes in him. I think this might be easier for her to cope with right now than me, or Leto.
Leto I don't think he quite understands yet his dad is not coming back.

I've painted a little more. Cleaned.

I'm pretty much done with closing stuff for Wash; I have to make confirmation calls this week that everyone got the papers last week, but one tiny benefit of dying young and poor is the "estate" as it were is taken care of pretty fast.

Which means I am now officially "unemployed".
That word is almost as scary as hearing Wash's name right now.

I can't type anymore today.


  1. Sending peaceful thoughts your way. May they help calm your thoughts and give you a good nights rest. Thinking of you

  2. I'm sorry. I'm sure the nightmares are normal and will pass, but I know how it feels to dread going to sleep in the face of something like that. I hope they pass soon and are replaced by better dreams and sound sleep. Peace.

  3. Calm, cool thoughts for you. Nothing but. I would wrap you in a blanket of fall leaves and leave you to cocoon.. I would..

  4. I'm so sorry. Better dreams and love to you.

  5. Oh man... those kind of nightmares. I had them as a teenager when a relative-who-was-really-a-parent passed away. For me they stopped after a few months.

    I still remember that horrible scary/sad/creepy feeling. I felt like my "blood turned cold," to see someone that I loved/missed, acting weird... not friendly and smiling..... all the while knowing they are gone. Then I'd wake up so scared I couldn't cry. Ugh, sorry to hear this is happening to you. There will be better days...

  6. It's not easy, the dreaming, but I believe the dreams eventually do get easier and better (I've had a similar experience after a death of a loved one) - think of it as your mind purging itself of all the bad emotions and fears so that you can focus on the good.

    The day my loved one returned a in a good dream to tell me everything was okay was a beautiful turning point - and I'm sure you'll get there sooner than you think.

    p.s. I won't ever mean to comment with an "I know how you feel" because I know I don't, I know that anything I've experienced can't compare - it's just me trying to relate to that tiny fraction of your experience that I can.

    love, just love.

  7. Oh sweetie...You say you're not getting good solid sleep yet...don't worry. I have been without my love for 19 months (in 6 days) and I still don't have good solid sleep. I'm awake at 3am and I'm reading your blog. Sleep is a very special thing I'm not gifted with often. If you ever find yourself in need of a conversation, you have my email and my phone number!

  8. Although my experience with (decades of) nightmares----i.e., more specifically, night terrors----is from a different cause than yours, Tashi, one thing that has helped to significantly lessen their frequency............ (and it sure took me a long time to "connect" this!!)............ is for me (to really try) not going to bed on an empty stomach, which is sometimes hard to do, particularly if I'm (situationally) upset; and then just don't feel like eating.

    I have a lifelong tendency, anyway, toward hypoglycemia, (i.e., low blood sugar); and if you're "a day person," sleeping from, say, 10:00 p.m. - 6:00 a.m., your blood sugar; blood pressure; heart rate; respiratory rate; metabolic rate; etc., are all at their 24-hour-biorhythm-*LOWEST*............ at about 4:00 a.m.

    (This, by the way, is often a "prime time" of the day when very ill patients pass away in the Hospital, because their body's Vital Signs are, of course, affected by their illness/illnesses............ then you add Mother Nature's normal, 24-hour cyclical biorhythm effect on TOP of alterations in their Vital Signs from their illness/illnesses............ so this is why, at 4:00 a.m., many families are then subsequently at Hospital bedsides, providing Final Love And Comfort to their dear loved ones).

    You know, Tashi, how being really-really-REALLY hungry when you're awake can certainly ~ p.s.y.c.h.o.p.h.y.s.i.o.l.o.g.i.c.a.l.l.y. ~ "do a number," big-time, on your objective cognition and your emotions, which............ during the night while you're trying to sleep............ often translates to nightmares. To prevent my blood sugar from "dipping" even LOWER at 4:00 a.m. ............ (or, if you're a "night person," 2-3 hours before whenever-it-is that you wake up!!)............ for me, eating something with PROTEIN, (e.g., peanut butter; cheese; yoghurt; etc.)............ then ALSO drinking something that (actual temperature-wise!!) "warms my stomach," too, (i.e., that's genuinely S.T.E.A.M.Y. hot, like herbal tea; decaffeinated coffee; hot apple cider; hot chocolate; etc.)............ well, those TWO pre-bedtime things have helped - through the years - to really "cut down on" my night terrors.

    'Not a cure-all, at all, for losing The Love Of Your Life in Wash............ (and I'm honestly almost ashamed, Tashi, about how overly-simplistic this little hint seems!!)............ yet all I can say is that it *has helped ME*............ and my sincere wish is that perhaps this little hint *might help YOU*, too, to again find your sleeptime............ to be............ genuinely *r.e.s.t.f.u.l.*, you know.


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