Saturday, March 24, 2012


And THERE is it. 2 plus hours into a not-fun-at-all talk this morning, continuing from last night, and Wash has said it out loud, again.
"Because I need to DO SOMETHING, MAKE SOMETHING of value, or why else stay alive? I'm worthless just existing."

He truly feels, believes, and was told from a young age on, if he cannot be "productive" in society, he should just die. [Why yes, he did read a lot of Ayn Rand]

He's already spoken to Hospice about this before, and his Chaplain and Social Worker, and Therapist have all said that is not true, but he really fucking believes that if he cannot work and get a paycheque, he should just fucking die already.

I told him earlier the least he could do today was to be honest to himself and us around him.

He's been so verbally abusive today.

Brain cancer can suck on Sideshow Boob.


So we had some nurses come over this afternoon and talk to Wash, and he spoke very honestly about his suicidal thoughts and wishes, but was able to say he would be "safe" for the next day and not an immediate danger to himself.
The nurses adjusted his meds, and had a social worker come over after they left; she talked for about an hour with him. She was able to figure out he was triggered into this most recent cycle when he was on the computer last night and saw a little side-ad for architecture college degrees.
So, we talked of a few ways to help when he was triggered, and how to distract him from the self-harming or suicidal thoughts.

Our friend N. is coming over to take him to a burger place for dinner, and my brother is coming over the evening to help me watch and distract him. I still want someone to sleep over with us tonight though, and someone in the morning.

Hospice rocks, cancer sucks, and this is emotionally draining. Also, my intestines hurt again.


Wash has said he is ok with me posting these portions of my more private entries from the last day.

He wants people to see what it is like.

He wants others to know what happens, physically and mentally.

Even in his most trying times, he wants to be an example, and it breaks my heart he cannot see what an effect he has had.


  1. This is but one temporary fix after the fact, but install Ad Block! It's a free, trusted plug-in that just makes ads not appear. I honestly would not be able to surf the internet for hours if I didn't have it - I'm very sensitive to ads in the fact that they make me feel annoyed and physically unsettled.

  2. But he IS doing something, he IS making something! He's spreading awareness. He's making people think, and care, and want to do something about this insidious disease.

    Who knows, maybe someone who is reading your blog has a child who will grow up to create a medical cancer-defeating breakthough. Maybe someone who reads your blog will make a donation to a cancer research organisation, which will ensure finance for the experiment that finally finds a cure. They may remember that reading about Wash's ordeal was the trigger to make them determined to beat this awful goddamned disease.

    Please assure him that he may not be receiving a paycheck, but he's doing something productive by sharing his story.

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  4. I second Mudgee's assertion, Wash IS doing something. Something brave and powerful that most people would not do. Letting people in... to see... total strangers even. I don't think I could do it.

    {{hugs}} Tashi, hope you have some nice moments today.

  5. Hi Tashi,

    The Twitter campaign is still going strong, so hopefully we'll find Wash's Urn before long, Stay Strong my dear, I'm a nurse myself and this is quite common in people suffering from Brain cancer to feel like this, so your not alone. I've seen this alot.

    You'll be okay, sending love and light your way.

    Lisa xxx

  6. It's been said in the comments above!

    But I just wanted to add my own two cents. Even though I'm a complete stranger, Wash absolutely has made an impact on my life. You both have! Everything you've written here has really, deeply struck chords within me that have made me think, and appreciate the good things within my own life.

    I'm sure I can't come close to understanding what it feels like to be in the same situation, but I just wanted to let you both know that I appreciate you, your combined strength, and your willingness to be so open about something I imagine many people know very little about!

  7. Tashi,
    Remind Wash he IS contributing to society, through you in this blog. He, (like Steve before him), is giving hope and inspiration to people starting out on this journey.

    Your courage, hope and dedication is beautiful to behold and for me, it stabs like a knife to think that life is so cruel. I have experienced how cruel it can be too which is why I despair at the thought of others suffering too.

    Real hero's don't wear capes or masks, real hero's dwell in our homes and hearts and even real heros need help and support.

    Much love to you both xxx

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