Saturday, March 31, 2012

Sighs

I let him sleep in for more than an hour today.

Did not help. He woke up physically rested and feeling "strong", but mentally he is off today. He has control issues and keeps showing some obsessive behaviours. He's picking at parts of his face and back and is getting to be a bit bloody. I'm going to speak to his nurses, I can't make him wear gloves every hour. I'm also watching him a lot closer, which takes away any real chance of "free" time for me, I'm stuck being close enough to him to make sure he doesn't dig a hole in his body.

I know it is not him, not my love. This is a side effect of his meds, or scar tissue, or something else. I can still hate it though.

He's so negative and nasty. He thinks he is being funny or clever, but he is just being a horrid human. The things he says... sometimes he is aware of them when I point it out, other times he literally does not remember the words that just came from his mouth. He will attack the people on tv, that is one of his more common ways to express. Gender, sex, race, all these things that I know he has never had an issue with in his life, but he sounds like some horrid extreme opposite of who he was. It always takes me by shock. He's better about not saying things out loud with a few people around us, but I see it come out when he is out in crowds. It's amazing in a horrid way how physically damaging the brain can change people in such complete and fundamental ways.
I always wait for it to pass, and for the most part after a few hours or a good sleep, it will. *My* Wash will come back, along with his sensibilities and his true kindness. Brain injuries and cancer can be so devastating and challenging.

One of the downsides is when he gets in these kinds of moods I get so tired from having to be so patient when he says things that make my head want to burst. I have to be patient and kind, and unlike being polite to a debate opponent I can't just tear apart in front of him WHY it is inappropriate/not kind to say those things. I have to see if he even knows or remembers or is aware he made the statement, tell him, wait for him to calm down, and go over why it is not "ok" to say out loud, or why he may get weird looks if he says it out loud and out side.

I love him, I hate the parts that have been stolen away by cancer and surgeries and a big fucking tumor.

Meanwhile I wait for an apology 8 days overdue. [Not Wash] People I deeply love seem to hurt me the most when I'm let down.

More later, pill time again.

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're going to speak to Wash's nurses, Tashi, about his picking at parts of his face and back until his skin bleeds, which is information that may, or may not, need to............ be relayed (among Wash's other behaviors) to his Neuro-Oncologist for her medical consideration/analysis.

    In any event, my heart genuinely *a.c.h.e.s.* for you. Prayers and ~ (((*hugs*))) ~ from me and Jack to you & Wash both -

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  2. Reading your blog always makes me wish that we lived closer - so that I could come over - give you both a hug - and sit in the house while you BOTH got a nap or two in! Thoughts and prayers and love to both of you

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  3. Same as Danielle.. I always wish I could be there for you in the real world, and give real comfort and not just on the computer.

    I don't have any advice today... just... {{{HUGS}}}

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