I'm scared of the consequences, but I am literally option-less in this case.
Sunday was better. Our friend Andy ended up coming and staying Sat night with us, which honestly even made *me* sleep better. I just felt I could relax a bit more knowing there was someone else in the house if Wash got up to trouble, or sleepwalking or some such. Thankfully for us all, he did not. Slept through the night just fine.
I made the boys breakfast on Sunday and after Andy left, one of the Hospice Volunteers came over for a few afternoon hours with Wash. They played some games or watched a movie, I can't even recall. We had SR come by after the HV left and my (step)dad came to take me out of the house for about an hour, to do an errand and just breathe. I needed it. I have not had but about one chance for a 10 min cry so since this whole thing started. And it's some emotionally heavy shit. Wash hates seeing me cry though, he can't understand anymore and just sees me in pain, and usually draws the conclusion he caused the hurt. So he feels bad too! Horrid cycle! So, I try not to cry around him.
We had enough time in the evening for a nap for him and a shower for me, then we gussied ourselves up for our Mad Men ses 5 party. Which rocked. I cannot wait to complete my new BINGO charts for next week.
Unfortunately, this means I cannot 'bother' him about the Urn right now. He needs a little time away from his thoughts this weekend and the idea of his own end.
It's hard to keep him distracted, try to keep him cheered and happy, to convince him to just keep living. It's selfish, I'm personally not ready for him to die. I have to hope at some point I will be, I'll be able to make peace with it, but not right now. Now, he still has life left in him, just sadly some very bad days too.
Monday we had the Hospice parade through, nurses, social workers, our Chaplain. Poor Wash! I think he was much more tired than he let on, or else his steroids might be bothering him. He's still asleep this morning, 35 minutes so far that I've been able to write and work on my own. I'll have to check him soon, make sure he's breathing ok.
I have so many fears, so many anxieties. I worry for my own future, is it coming at the price of his? Am I hurting myself very very badly over long term for staying, for putting his needs first, for being public?
I get so scared.
I need to hear good news today, or else have a lack of bad news. My husband is 27 years old and dying. I'm his only caregiver, and fulltime to boot. I have to do what is right and best for him, and I will have to face my own consequences.
I wish it did not have to be this complicated or painful. Being an "Adult" is not easy.