Thursday, September 6, 2012

More Fuckery

Got a notice this week; I have a few days to respond to a questionaire about my "accident" (??) or I lose my health insurance.

Apparently, AHCCCS (my insurance) believes for some reason that another "individual or corporation" caused my broken foot (based on the date on the notice, I believe this is for my fractured foot not my broken toe) and AHCCCS wants me to name them, or else pay approx $15,000.00 myself.


I fucking FELL. Because *I* was not listening to my doctors to take it easy on my broken toe, and it was City sidewalk. What, are you going to sue my heavy garbage bags??
It makes NO sense.

I left them a message to call me back about my case within one business day. If I don't hear from them by noon tomorrow, my afternoon will be spent on the phone with the Attorney General of Arizona, and the State's Insurance Commission.
I am too tired and too godsdamned sick to let them take advantage of me.
I also contacted my doctor's office; they checked the billing with me over the phone; they billed about $217/change to insurance; and they have been re-imbursed their 70% already. The gal in billing assured me there was NO procedure they even HAVE at the office that costs $15K to billing. My X-Rays were only $200/each! In the doctor's office; I never went to the Emergency Room! [Where a $15K bill for a broken foot can be understandable]. Oh, and they confirmed I had a $0/balance at the office.

I have a sinking feeling since it is plan renewal time (Sept) they (Insurance Comp) are doing whatever they can to drop sick/ill people from the plan. Like me, who costs a lot of money, since I can't really take proper care of myself while I'm watching Wash for 21 hours per day.
Every single year they try to drop me from the insurance rolls, usually when my health plummets and I need doctor care and supervision even more.

Ugh. I have no patience for incompetence anymore. I won't play by their rules. Their rules are literally set up to kill me. Frak that. I'm playing by whatever I have to to stay alive.

As for Wash, he had a pretty terrible day yesterday. He is having a lot more pain daily, so we are getting some new longer acting stuff to try today, in addition to his hourly/breakthrough pain. His headaches are back. To me, that along with his balance issues, his eyesight going, his ability to read is going... he is still very visual, so drawn out instructions are still understandable to him, but things like cursive is just too complex for him to even read now.
He is also sleeping more, which could be from any number of things, but his Hospice Nurse agrees with me that letting him rest is perfectly fine; when he sleeps he doesn't hurt, he is more at peace. I like that.
We have another friend coming in from a city a few hours away this weekend to pitch in and give me a hand watching him, and getting me out a little bit when his Aides are able to watch him. I now have my own bathroom back again, which is GREAT, and I've cleaned the office/library up enough to get a little twin bed in there for me. So, I have some space for me. I've been crying more with this space; I have more privacy, but it hurts so deeply to understand the WHY behind me "moving out" of the master bedroom.

It hurts too much emotionally to sleep next to him. Not to mention his snoring, his kicking, and his pain screams when he wakes up literally screaming in pain.
He can't remember, so he keeps offering to sleep on the couch so I can have the bed. I tell him I am ok, and I stay in the bedroom with him until he falls asleep each night so he has that feeling of security when he does fall asleep.
I've been thinking a lot about my maternal grandmother, my Grandy lately. It's the 6th anniversary of her death in a little over a week, and 7 days after that will be the 6th anniversary of my paternal grandmother's death. Yes, I lost both my grandmothers in a 7 day period.
I tend to get seasonal depression every year in Sept now.
The selfish part of me hopes Wash won't die in September, because that is just too emotionally hard for me. But, I know it is a selfish thought, and he needs to go when he is ready; not me. It's not up to me.
But, since moving into the office/2nd bedroom, I've been thinking a LOT about Grandy, feeling the same kind of comfort she used to give me when I was alone at her house away from my parents as a little/young child. It's very hard to describe, but late at night, when the clock ticks past 4am, I feel "her" and I feel safe and comforted enough to sleep. I don't want to think too much into this, outside to embrace this feeling of comfort when it comes to me.

I am very happy with a few cleaner spaces. Wash is still having a very tough time adjusting. He wakes up with a LOT more confusion these days. His verbal skills are declining, and he needs his Walker or his wheelchair now to really get anywhere.

I am broken-hearted he has degraded this much. He never wanted this. He wanted death before he lost control like this.
Based on his pain, his headaches, his balance, his smell change.... so many little things I never picked up on back in 2009 I'm constantly seeing now. I'm more than 90% certain there is another tumor in there, maybe a few small ones. He still does not want any scans, and I won't force them. I think he really is happier when he can ignore or pretend there is not some strange thing in his BRAIN killing him.
I think I would feel the same if it were me.

It does not make it any less painless to watch though. I've been dealing with a lot of my own grief issues. There is so much loss; what already happened, and the loss of our dreams and hopes and frankly, my own future. It is lost. What I wanted, what I desired, is lost, forever.
I will never bear his children. I will never get to look at a child, MY child, and see any part of him looking back at me. That will never happen.
It is heartbreaking, and soul-crushing. I have to lose my best friend, my husband, my partner I should have had for 40-60 more years, the life we would have had... it is gone.

As much as I am happy for the friends I have that are moving forward with their lives; and I really am. I'm happy when friends buy their first home. Graduate. Buy a new car. Get their career, not just a job, get engaged or married, get pregnant or have their first/second child.... I am happy for the people I love to be able to have these wonderful things happen.
The same time, it just hurts so much to know all those things *I* will never have, will never achieve.
I don't see myself getting out of debt and ever graduating. Or even being able to pick a new major and start literally all over in school, because I'm so traumatized by Wash's rare cancer to work in the medical field like I had once wanted to and was in school for.
I don't think I will ever have Credit again to allow me to get a car that is new or even less than 15 years old. Forget about a job or career for me and a house/home for myself. Nope.
I found my love and married. Odds are not in my favour to ever meet anyone who I will love like Wash, or want to give my whole life to, like I did for him.
I'm going to be 26 in two months. When that happens I will have to accept once and for all I will never have my own children. My doctors told me long ago waiting was not good, and my history does not have a good track record for being able to get or stay pregnant. The odds of me "moving on" soon enough after Wash does pass, heal, and find someone who I somehow DO want to have a child with...? I just literally cannot see it ever happening.
So I am having to mourn that I will never be a mother myself. I never thought at 26 that's what I would be doing.

This is my/our life. This is what is looks and feels like watching the person I love more than my own self lose everything about who HE was, and become a shell of a body that is just in pain.
It's not fair. It's not "right". And it hurts in a way I wish so deeply that no other human should ever have to face.

I'm going to try to nap, or maybe shower while the Aide is here today for a few hours.
At least I (and my awesome friends) have figured out how to order me groceries to deliver to the house; it is a nice thing to have to NOT worry about food in the house.


  1. Tashi, this quotation, "In the night of death, hope sees a *STAR*..." (~~Robert Ingersoll)............ reminds me of what you wrote, Above, about your dear maternal grandmother, i.e., your "Grandy": "Late at night, when the clock ticks past 4am, I feel 'her' and I feel safe and comforted enough to sleep."

    I, too, just SO loved my maternal grandmother~~(i.e., my "Grandma" S., who died on September 12th, 38 years ago)~~because when I was a child growing up, my dear Grandma S. was the only person I can remember who e.v.e.r. hugged, embraced, or complimented me; so I can fully understand the *great comfort* you feel when you reminisce about the times you spent alone with your Grandy at her house.

    Just as my Grandma S. is still "with me" late at night............ comforting me, (i.e., even all of these years LATER!!)............ about needs which were never met or filled; and which, post-facto, can realistically never be met or filled, only integrated into real Life, as I've been fortunate enough (to be able) to do............ your Grandy again can, as she did in the past, help you "to get through" NOW and~~(trust me on this, Tashi)~~your Grandy can also help you "to get through" in the FUTURE, too............ as my Grandma S. has done (and continues to do)............ for me, you know.

    'Thinking of, and praying for, you & Wash both, i.e., not only during these hard, hard days, but also............ during these hard, hard *h.o.u.r.s.*, too.

  2. Words fail me at the raw pain of your post. To know that kind of pain is my greatest fear. And yet you get up every day. This is a mountainous task that shouldn't go ignored. You do go on, you do fight for yourself and your beloved. Your strength takes my breath away.

  3. I would like to make a monetary donation to you and wash. How do I do so?

    1. You can view donation information on their website: <3

  4. I know this girl from my hometown whose husband passed from cancer. Her blog is REALLY religious (laughably religious) but maybe you will find some comfort in seeing how she has progressed since losing her husband. Last I checked she was starting to date again. What I'm trying to say is, I think you WILL have your life back one day, as sad as it is to think that will be at the expense of Wash's. And Wash would want you to have that life more than anything.

    Anyway, here's the blog she wrote before her husband died:
    and here's the one she keeps after:

    If you can get past the jesus insanity (and honestly, I think some of it is a really unhealthy attitude for her) maybe you can identify with/get some idea of what your life might be like in the future.

  5. I am literally in tears. I had no idea who you were three minutes ago, but now I just want to hold you. I cannot say it's going to be okay, because I don't know that, but I do know that your husband wants you to be loved, successful, and at peace. But please feel lucky that you had him for the time you did. Please feel lucky that you got to know him, and marry him, and know an unending love for another person. My heart is with you. I am so sorry for your loss. The universe will never give you anything you can't handle. <3

  6. I just found your blog thru regretsy. I am very sorry for your sense of helpless right now. Please do not give up hope on ever having children. If it is something that you want, you will find a way. Maybe not in the way that you hoped it to happen, maybe not in the way that your friends have children... but you will find a way. And maybe your child will not look like Wash, but I am sure that you will raise them a Dr. Who fan, and you will see a little bit of Wash in them every day. I know you feel like so many things are hopeless right now, but there is always hope!