Monday, September 17, 2012

Waiting on the Giggle Loop

Hard morning.
First Monday; first start of a week (and New Year) without the man I expected to spend my life with.

I'm hoping to bring him home today.

I feel too young today. Too young, too hurt.

It's like the most perverted cultural opposite; this time I will be carrying his ashes over our threshold.
How does one even prepare for that moment?

I've been trying to be/sleep at home more. Some nights I can do it, some nights I cannot.
It hurt waking up today.
It hurt to hear the kitties cry. They have food, water, litter.
They just miss their Dad. I do too.

Aelphie and I had each other for a few years before Wash came around. It took her most of a year to even accept him.
Leto has only EVER known life with his dad. His whole existence has been keeping his dad company through the day. It hurts to see them confused and not have the words to let them know he is not coming back.

I have good moments and bad. Good minutes, bad hours.
I hear the ticking of Wash's pocketwatch. I've been keeping it wound for him.
One, two, three, four.

He still carries my heartbeat.

I'm wondering if I should watch Firefly, BSG, Doctor Who, or Torchwood for him today.


  1. my heart hurts for you and your kitties. do whatever you feel is best for you at the moment. There is no right or wrong, just take care of yourself.

  2. yes. i think you could watch one of his favorites. and think of him.

    maybe watch it with someone else who loves him, so neither of you is alone.

  3. Just a stranger sending some love..... *hugs*

  4. Sending virtual awkward hugs your way.

  5. Tashi, I'm so sorry. Words feel so inadequate right now, but I thought I'd share a sad-yet-ultimately uplifting quote that has helped me through grief. It's looong, but worth it:

    " 'You'll get over it...'? It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to? I've thought a lot about death recently, the finality of it, the argument ending in mid-air. One of us hadn't finished, why did the other one go? And why without warning? Even death after long illness is without warning. The moment you had prepared for so carefully took you by storm. The troops broke through the window and snatched the body and the body is gone. The day before the Wednesday last, this time a year ago, you were here and now you're not. Why not? Death reduces us to the baffled logic of a child. If yesterday why not today? And where are you??

    Fragile creatures of a small blue planet, surrounded by light years of silent space. Do the dead find peace beyond the rattle of the world? What peace is there for us whose best love cannot return them even for a day? I raise my head to the door and think I will see you in the frame. I know it is your voice in the corridor but when I run outside the corridor is empty. There is nothing I can do that will make any difference. The last word is yours. The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you and I feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded, drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price I would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me; that with the hurt and the mess comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it." - Jeannette Winterson, Written on the Body

  6. I know it doesn't even come close, but I'm so, so, sorry.

  7. I just lost my mom, who was also my best I know that there really are no words. Her dog gizmo has been lost without her. Im wicked sorry for all the pain you are in. You are not alone, you have all those that you know and cherish and also all those of us that have kept up with your blog and have come to care deeply for you and Wash. We grieve with you and send you much love and good wishes

  8. Still holding you in my heart & thoughts ~ now including the fur-babies in the hug ~~~

    Wonderful quote from QuoterGal!

  9. I vote Firefly. We (your readers) all love you. And Wash. And Kitties.

  10. Been thinking about you. This week, I'm painting the eagle shields for the new carousel the company I work for is building. It will be installed at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. in November. Although, I don't know whether you or Wash enjoyed Carousels (They're a little bit of steamy technology themselves) I shall write 'For Wash and Tashi' on the back of a shield before it gets covered with paint. If you ever visited the National Zoo.. one of those Eagles on the rounding board will be for you and your Wash.

  11. I'm in line behind the poster above for an awkward virtual hug.

  12. I have never really watched Dr. Who and Wash's last request to you had me wondering what IS this show about, and what is so special about that episode?

    I am now working my way through that season and I'm beginning to understand.

    You and Wash have set off sparks which have landed and caught fire

    thank you

  13. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

  14. Our orange marmie foster cat "John," who had been abandoned; and who - because he and Leto look so much alike - could "be" Leto's older brother ............ (and who is my husband "Jack's cat," i.e., just as Leto was "Wash's cat") ............ sends a heartfelt message of sympathy to poor Leto about losing his Dad Wash:

    "*P.*U.*R.*R.*....*P.U.R.R.*....P.U.R.R. .... PURR....p.u.r.r. ....purr....purrrrrrrrrrrr...."

    Our companion animals, (as you know, Tashi), can genuinely *sustain us* through the very most difficult times in our lives.

    {{{*Hugs*}}} to you and to furry little Aelphie & Leto............

  15. I have been following your story through Regretsy, and my heart is just breaking for you right now. I don't even know how to express that ache of sympathy and love.

    Please know you have SO MANY people all over who are behind you, grieving with you for the truly amazing soul you have lost. Wash will never, ever be forgotten. Your beautiful words and the incredible love you bore him have been ingrained in all of us who've been so deeply committed to your story.

    All my love. You have been in my thoughts constantly.

  16. What to watch? Whatever feels right for you. For now, that's all there will be. Do what feels right.

    A Great Library, with every story there ever was, to read... or watch?

  17. Ffs... when I ewnt for post comment, I was full of meaningful stuff to say, but I a not. Knowing that Wash was out there was a big staple in my life, a big Hang In There. Knowing he went over the bridge pisses me off so much. Your Timelord was my hero, and you are the woman I want to be when I grow up. Strong, persevering, made of steel. Shit, Tashi, we'll never be old enough to cope with loss. With pain. I can't do jack for you, and I can't do jack for your kitties. Crying for you, crying for Wash.