Monday, September 24, 2012

Lisey's Story

I'm watching Leto sitting across the room on the rocking chair getting quite angry at his tail for being attached to his butt and not complying with his cleaning demands.
Earlier this morning he tackled his sister and held her down while he groomed her head.

They've been needy and clingy lately. I don't like going out for too long of a period not just for my foot, but because I worry it is a stress for them.

Leto is getting better about not just waiting and crying by the door, but he is doing a lot of the things he did with Wash, with me now. Including trying to sleep on me. Which, is a new thing.
Aelphie usually sleeps by my feet or head. Her choice. Leto always prefers the feet/legs (which was cause for concern the other day when I woke to a terribly sore foot quite probably from a 15 lb cat sleeping all night on me) so every so often in the night there is a tussle; I've been getting better sleep in the Library/2nd room but it's a twin bed, not the Queen sized that is in our/(my?) bedroom. Plenty of room for both kitties on the Queen.
On the Twin, with me? Not so much.
We're all adjusting.

I'm doing a bit better mood wise, more stable with the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I'm ok taking some "heavy stuff" now that I'm no longer looking after another person, and with my broken right foot, it'll be months still before I'm driving anywhere (sadly, honestly, at least two. More if I need PT since the right side is the one with the bad ACL. I would not be safe behind the wheel. Not to mention my mental distractions...) which is good in that I'm pretty drowsy on it (though, perhaps that is just the exhaustion finally overcoming things and setting in to make me rest) and staying indoors means I can do very little damage or harm.

My Chanter arrived and I've just been trying to re-learn how to breath and play a reed instrument, and get my lungs in a better position. The asthma meds I've been on all summer have really worked, and I finally do feel like I've started to get some breath back in me. In a literal and figurative sense, I guess.

Nights are still the hardest. Sleeping in the big bed without him... I did do it for years before he came along, true, but I had very much gotten used to sleeping next to someone, next to him.
His breathing patterns. His touch. His smell.
For the first few days it gave me comfort to sleep where I could still smell him on the pillow. Now, I'm still not ready to wash/toss our old sheet set/his pillows (several people have offered to get me new pillows and linens. I will take them up on it when I am ready) but, I get a better sleep in the other room; where I can smell books instead of just... him, I suppose?

I've had a lovely show of support in the last bit; it's impossible for me to conceive of the idea that is has almost been two weeks now without him. Thank you for sharing kind words with me, stories, and your own encouragement. I've read them all; most two or three times.

Time has become a new concept to me. The timing of everything. Time that seems to stretch on for so long now. Time, which had been like long taffy being pulled, suddenly cut into a tiny square, gone all too fast.
3 years gone in the blink of an eye. 4 years gone after a night's sleep for a few seconds when I woke the other morning. The disconnect. What is real, what is not? Seeing his death legally laid out; pretty clear. Seeing his body; again, pretty clear.
In the TARDIS though, now... it's changed. What to do with all this time? Time promised to him.

I feel quite lost and scared most of the time. Today it hurts especially hard, even with the help of the meds, because I am seeing the foot specialist. Though it is a rare option, surgery is still on the table as a possible option for my foot at this point, and that terrifies me, even more than remembering every bad moment with Wash's tumor.
I wish he was here. I wish he was making his pun jokes, and doing what he could to distract me. I miss the level of comfort he gave to me on a level across the board. He was like a warm blanket on a cold night, but as a person, he just radiated comfort and love. At least, to me.

At the same time that I am starting to move forward in some small ways; getting rid of his death shroud, working on the memorial, finding new hobbies, trying to do things that don't involve making my feet worse, I am starting to have guilty feelings for not just ... sobbing?
I know this is the start of "Survivor Guilt" and I'm hoping my shitty insurance will get me in to see someone sooner than 8 weeks from now. I try to use a little trick from my CBT days to identify those specific guilt thoughts and let them go. Because Wash would most truly not have wanted me to be suffering (well, extra) right now. Not at my own making.
I am not Queen Victoria. [sadly. In this life]
I did not have 12 children with the man I loved. Or get almost 20 years together.

But I also am 25. I cannot lay out his clothes every day. I cannot lay out a place setting for him every day, and eventually, I will need to clean up his desk to make it more usable for my own self. I will pass on some of his books as he wanted, so others can read and enjoy them.

However, I have noticed I feel more comfortable carrying or wearing something with a TARDIS on it if I leave the house. I am not sure how "good" or "bad" or anything that really is.

It's hard still, to live hour by hour. But I do strive for that next hour to come, and I'm trying to rest enough to find myself and figure out what it is I will do now with my time.
It may be 60 years now before I go. That to me, in this moment, seems a far too long of a time to remain depressed and waiting for Death.

I do not fear Death (I don't think Wash did in the end either) but, I want to find reasons to keep living. I want to have a purpose again.
It's just hard to figure that part out when my heart cries so loud it drowns out my brain.


  1. This is a time to just "be." Don't worry about what you should do, or how soon you should do it. Don't worry that you're not feeling enough. Wherever you are is absolutely where you need to be. Don't compare yourself or your grief to others. Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend going through this.

  2. You are such a wonderful writer and you are able to express yourself so well. I believe that will continue to help you on this journey. You are in the thoughts of many people, a lot of whom you do not even know. May their positive energies bring you some peace.

  3. You do have a lot of hard times ahead. One of the biggies is overcoming (as you said) the guilt over not sobbing. It does feel like you've come to an awful place when the hurt is no longer so raw it makes you cry to touch it.

    Then it will surprise you by sneaking up and slamming you on the ground.

    It is ALL okay. You can do it all in your own time, in your own way. There is no "right" way to do grief. You don't have to figure the rest of your life out just now. It will come.


  4. Tashi, I think about you every day, multiple times a day. I've been worried you'd stop writing, especially these last few days. I'm so, so thankful to see this post.
    I've been reading since you first posted about it on Jezebel and I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

  5. It's OK to feel what you're feeling. Reading this post reminded me of so many feelings...when I lost Mum I yearned to be calmer and not be so incredibly sad...but then when that started to finally come I felt guilty about it. It was a bit like being underwater for a while, with things sometimes slowing down and odd things meaning a lot to me. Everyday thing are different. Expecting the person you miss to just walk into the takes time.
    Just feel what you feel and do what you feel is right for you, bit by bit...I wish you peace. Peace and strength.

  6. Whatever makes you feel better-whatever gives you comfort-it's definitely not a bad thing. As someone previous to me said-just be. Nothing is right, nothing is wrong.

    And don't forget to breathe.

  7. I stayed on the heavy meds for 5 months after I lost the person I was caring for. It took that long until I felt I was really ready to drop the dosage & could 'deal'.
    Remember Tashi, nothing has to be decided in an instant. Go at a pace that you feel comfortable with. I'm not saying stay mired forever ... He wouldn't want that. But don't make rash decisions or get rid of things now that you might be nostalgic for later. If it's hard to see them, put them in a closet or under the bed or something until you can bring them out & smile. And I promise you...there will be days when you smile again. In the meantime, take comfort in a TARDIS, a shirt, your kitties ... Anywhere you find it. Now is the time to be selfish & focus on you. I know you have no idea what that is like, so pretend you're the patient & treat yourself with the same loving care you gave to Wash. And keep sharing here & reaching out - so on days you don't have friends nearby in AZ, you can be reminded that you have many out here in the world at large. (like Canada for a start!)

  8. Every time I come here my heart cries. You're so eloquent and I can feel your love for him & your hurt through your words. I hope the people here are helping; I've seen so many comments and good wishes for you and him from around the world and adding mine feels like I'm doing very little but I do hope you know that you are cared about by people you have never met, people you have never spoken to. Much love.

  9. Don't feel guilty for not sobbing all the time. Everyone handles grief differently... we don't all look or behave like movies or books. The sobbing may happen later, or it may not happen the way you expect it.

    I don't know you, but I'm pretty sure you will find your way. You will find things to enjoy in the next 60 years. The time will go too fast.