Sunday, July 8, 2012

Once More (again) with Feeling

Things will never be back to "normal".

I won't go "back to [my] life".

I'm changed. Forever.

If not purely by my marriage and almost 4 years of living with another person.

I'm not "The Queen of Death". I'm not "Bones". [and ye gods I have hated those nicknames]

I'm me.

I'm Tashi.

I'm watching my husband die, more and more everyday.
I'm Tashi.

I'm not a wife anymore, though I've kept all my vows.
I'm a nurse, a help, a guide.

What becomes of me when he goes? I've done the statistical odds of dying at the same time as him, it's not a number in my favour.

I left college.
I left my work, my job, my contacts.
I never was smart enough to find a cure, to save him.

We never got a house, only our little rented "home" that I'm going to have to tear apart even before he dies.
I'm going to have to pack away my books, my closest companions and friends.
I'm going to have to put away things which we both love, but cause danger.

There is so much change.

I cannot see myself on the other side. I cannot see how *I* will remain with that much change.

I'm already so different. Who am I now, who will I be then? Will I have any part of my own true self left?
I've given so much away already.
Given so much of my life to him, to keep him going, breathing, smiling, loving.

Must be a bad day. My movie lineup is "Once More with Feeling", "Harold and Maude", "The Royal Tenenbaums", and if those don't work- JT's "Titus".

I'm lost.

I'm leading someone, but I'm lost. He's mostly leading me now, leading to the end. Saying goodbyes.

Soon, he'll go.
I'll be lost again.
And then, alone.

How can that ever lead to "normal".
How could I go back to what I was?

I have a few hours alone. I've cried, sobbed, and had two asthma attacks.
I'm going to go sit in the shower and probably cry more.

I try to think about the details of the next couple weeks and my brain just locks; there's so much pain it won't let me think about it. I just get headaches.

I want to clear my head and bowl.


  1. Hi Tashi,

    I've followed your story almost from the beginning when you shared it on Jezebel. Just when I think it can't get more heart-breaking, it does. I'm so sorry.

    I know that the change you see in yourself is scary and awful and it feels like you've been taken away from yourself. But I think what's happening to you isn't really a change--you aren't someone different. I think I would use the word evolving, the core of you is still the same. Just like the day you got married, you're still committed and devoted to Wash. It's just that love and commitment is manifested differently now--and how could it not be? Imagine going through this unchanged or unevolved? The only way that you can cope and survive is by being malleable to your situation. And despite insurmountable problems with that malleability (the cancer, the insurance, the aspieness) you've managed it.

    I wish I could tell you what lies ahead for you, but I don't think anyone could anticipate that. You can go back to school. You'll still be the amazing, kind and awesome woman that so many readers of this blog (and your family and friends) root for on a daily basis.

    No browncoat was ever as heroic as you--you'll see it through.

  2. *hugs*

    You won't be the same, Tashi, no. But you'll still be you. Kind, generous and strong. Just like you are now.

  3. Tashi, when the current difficulties are behind you, what you'll have is a sense of relief, and of guilt over that relief, and constant mourning will be your partner for a long time. Mourning for what you should have had, and mourning for what you had instead. And then you'll slowly realize that you're having a few moments here and there in which you are sort of okay. And the moments will gather together into clumps of time, and there will be more and more of them. Slowly, with some back sliding. Until you realize you've achieved a new normal that's nothing like the old normal, or the normal you wished you'd had, but it will be an okay normal, with spots of happiness here and there.

    And you will be fine. Just know it will take time and you will need to be patient with yourself, give yourself permission to fail and get back up again. The failures will get less frequent and the successes will get more frequent, and you will survive. Time really does heal.

  4. You won't go back. We never get to do that. But you should, after a while, be able to look back with no regrets. You have given so much. You have made all anyone could possibly make of a pretty rotten set of circumstances. Just be sure to give yourself some time to recover. Someone as strong as you have steadily shown yourself to be will do it.

    For now, take as much comfort as you can find in the number of us who are sending you all the thoughts and support we possibly can. You are a heroine. Heroines don't earn that title easily. Perhaps no one would choose to walk that path. But you were placed on the path and you have walked it heroically.

  5. You will come to a new normal and you will still be you but with new knowledge.

    God bless you during this time.

  6. I'm a perfect stranger to you. But I'm sending strength, boundless hugs and support however I can. I wish I could ease your pain, to help bear your burdens as you transition into so many unknowns and new uncharted scenarios. You're so strong Tashi. You've been so amazing to your husband. I wish I could change this for you. I wish I could make it better. You've been in my thoughts since I happened across your blog. >>hug<<

  7. Hi Tashi,

    I'm also a follower from Jez. If you reddit, you may have already seen this, but if not I want to pass this comment a redditor once left along because I find it comforting. Maybe you will, too:

    "Science shows us that every particle of matter from here to the end of the universe was at one time at an extreme dense and hot point that was smaller than the head of a pin. That means yourself, your friend, this planet, all the stars and galaxies, everything and everyone who has ever existed was at one time the same thing.

    When we die, our consciousness is ended and the energy kept in our body dissipates back into the universe, to be used again as another organism or perhaps to wait an interminable time underground. But one day, as this planet ends and if the universe does indeed go through a 'big crunch' at the end of its life, we will all be reunited again, closer to each other than we ever thought possible.

    So when you look up at the night sky and see all those massive furnaces in deep spaces burning wildly, remember that you're looking at a part of you and your friend that you lost 14 billion years ago. Every photon of light is a part of us, we're the product of stars forging complex elements inside of their massive bodies which then had to supernova so Earth could be pelted by everything beyond hydrogen and helium.

    The death of any person is a loss to us all for the very reasons I've outlined. I'll most certainly burn one in the memory of your friend, knowing that one day in the future we'll take the same walk back into the stars"-

  8. Tashi - I've been there to, just for different reasons. When I was pregnant I fell into such a deep depression that once found myself sitting in my apartment bathroom, in my dry bathtub, fully clothed, hugging my cat and sobbing uncontrollably. At the height of the worst, on one snowy day while driving to work, I told God that I'd understand if I had a car accident and he took my baby from me. I obviously wasn't meant to this. There was no car accident.

    I survived the darkness. My baby survived my darkness. And you will survive this.

    You won't be the same, that is true but I believe you'll be better for just as I am.

    Since I'm apparently full of quotes tonight I'll leave with this one from the immortal words of Joss Whedon "When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that,you find someone to carry you."

    Keeping running and crawling as long as you can and know that you've got a long line of good folk, those you know and those who just seem to know you, who are ready to carry you when the time is right.

  9. Oh Tashi... I wish I had comforting words for you but words aren't my strong suit. Hopefully love and hugs from an internet stranger will do.

    You will come through this, I truly believe that.