I won't go "back to [my] life".
I'm changed. Forever.
If not purely by my marriage and almost 4 years of living with another person.
I'm not "The Queen of Death". I'm not "Bones". [and ye gods I have hated those nicknames]
I'm watching my husband die, more and more everyday.
I'm not a wife anymore, though I've kept all my vows.
I'm a nurse, a help, a guide.
What becomes of me when he goes? I've done the statistical odds of dying at the same time as him, it's not a number in my favour.
I left college.
I left my work, my job, my contacts.
I never was smart enough to find a cure, to save him.
We never got a house, only our little rented "home" that I'm going to have to tear apart even before he dies.
I'm going to have to pack away my books, my closest companions and friends.
I'm going to have to put away things which we both love, but cause danger.
There is so much change.
I cannot see myself on the other side. I cannot see how *I* will remain with that much change.
I'm already so different. Who am I now, who will I be then? Will I have any part of my own true self left?
I've given so much away already.
Given so much of my life to him, to keep him going, breathing, smiling, loving.
Must be a bad day. My movie lineup is "Once More with Feeling", "Harold and Maude", "The Royal Tenenbaums", and if those don't work- JT's "Titus".
I'm leading someone, but I'm lost. He's mostly leading me now, leading to the end. Saying goodbyes.
Soon, he'll go.
I'll be lost again.
And then, alone.
How can that ever lead to "normal".
How could I go back to what I was?
I have a few hours alone. I've cried, sobbed, and had two asthma attacks.
I'm going to go sit in the shower and probably cry more.
I try to think about the details of the next couple weeks and my brain just locks; there's so much pain it won't let me think about it. I just get headaches.
I want to clear my head and bowl.