Wash's Words: the e-files

Trying to make myself feel better or distracted from the disturbing trigger I had this morning which sent me into a PTSD spiral of fear and paranoia.

Here is a little taste of what the Wash I knew and fell in love with (before his cancer) was like.


May 29th, 2008

10:03 PM Kevin: BSG re-imagining, so much better than the original.

10:07 PM me: bsg?

  corry, comp slow

 Kevin: It's fine. Battlestar Galactica. Hipper, darker, edgier, deeper, so much cooler.

10:08 PM me: ah never seen it

10:09 PM Kevin: You might like it... I think I have the first couple seasons lying around here. Though everyone I know is just waiting for the DVD of the last couple seasons.

10:10 PM me: don't know if i have time to add another series to my attention, but maybe an episode or two

  whats it about

10:11 PM Kevin: The last people of mankind struggling to survive while hunted by their former creations.

10:12 PM me: robots or clones or aliens?

10:15 PM Kevin: Robots... r at least they used to be.

10:16 PM There's a miniseries premiere that kinda explains it.

  And then the rest of the series raises questions about it the whole way through.

10:18 PM me: ah

10:19 PM Kevin: Plus a huge amount of interesting questions about humanity, what it means to be so, what it takes to get to there, are people with our motivations actually human....

  It's a very rich tapestry filled with iron and allegory. Rare to find in television.

10:22 PM me: hmm'

  what network was it on>

10:23 PM Kevin: SciFi

 me: mmmm

  :)

 Kevin: Might be a reason why you woldn't have watched it.

 me: prolly

  i get the good movies and mini series on dvd

10:24 PM Kevin: It's one of the best series to own... like ever.

 me: haha

  you sound like me and firefly or robin hood

10:25 PM [have to include coupling and buffy since i own the complete series of those too]

6 June 2008
                    Kevin: That you're wierd. Not the standard, not conforming. You're wonderfully                 unique, and I've never met anyone like you. Doubt I ever will.

1:18 AM me: Damn. That's like, the nicest thing I've heard all week.

 Kevin: Well, I'll endeavour to best it before the week is out.

 me: i'm telling you, i don't know how to take compliments. it still weirds me out.

1:19 AM oh gads man. i'm perfectly happy not having an ego. you don't need to help me develop it :)

 Kevin: Who said anything about ego. It's just pure, objective truth.

1:20 AM And I'm really glad to have you around. Grinning Ear-to-ear happy.

1:21 AM me: but it's a truth i cannot see, so it's hard to accept. like, an abstract concept- infinity for example

  hahaha

  i've been singing a lot more at work.

  -apparantly

1:22 AM My being around makes you that happy? Hmmm.

 Kevin: "You're not angry with me are you? You always say 'apparently' when you're really angry"

 me: You do have a nice smile, must admit

  ............ *facepalm

  i really do say that a LOT

1:23 AM my aunt nicknamed me as a kid, Miss "Apparently"

 Kevin: And thanks, Love! :D Yup, ear to ear again.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2:07 AM
Kevin: I really enjoy making you happy. I've always held back until the right woman comes along. Doesn't happen often, and when it does, it's something extraordinary.
Like now. With you.

1st July 2008

 Kevin: That I find a lot of fun, due in no small part to it being with you.

10:25 PM me: haha

  you as well

 Kevin: I Love you.

 me: i love you

10:26 PM Kevin: It's never been like this with anyone else.

  And I like it a lot.

10:27 PM me: good

  just enjoy it then

10:28 PM Kevin: That's my plan. And I cherish it so.

NC-17

I had a quite interesting dream this weekend. I don't feel the need to get into deep details about it at the moment, but Wash was there with and for me. I've felt a bit better overall since then, and am getting a little more sleep.

Last week at my Hospice therapy I was asked to try something for a bit; "talking" to Wash. Out loud. Not like he was/is alive or dead, just as if he was next to or near by me.

It's odd.

I do it with GaiusWash, but that is just in my head, and I know it.

What I noticed pretty fast off; I don't speak anymore. Not really. Literally days can go by without me saying physically a word to another person. I sort of wish that disturbed me more than it does.

But, back to the dream. It was filled with old comforts, symbols of happier times. I feel like there is a point to it, a message. Likely coming from inside my own head, but still important.
I cannot really describe (and I've been trying all weekend) how it feels to be dreaming of one's dead beloved spouse, and being physically close with them in a dream one is aware is a dream... and to have said dead spouse miming that it's "ok" to be close to someone else.
I honestly really have. But, there at last my vocabulary fails me utterly. Because I cannot describe the feelings or sensations, though I do recall them. I can only say it felt like having a tiny, but heavy piece of guilt taken from my heart.

It is an odd sensation to having my internal monologue interrupted by my (dead) husband. He agrees. Which, as it is coming from my own head, of course.

I still think this is a weird "coping tool". But, I said I would give my therapy a real honest attempt, so I am.


I wish I had firm big news. But, trying to make contact with a country 9 hours ahead of my time zone is a bit hard logistics wise. So, it will be Tues before I have real word.
I am nervous. There is so much opportunity for me and yet so much to take care of here in AZ in the next 4 weeks if this is to happen. Everything becomes unknown and scary. But the entire future is unknown and also scary.



I spent some time on Saturday re-reading this blog. I read it in reverse timeline; it felt like a love story with a happier ending. I know exactly how much time he had. 2009 me did not. There was more Hope in the unknown then.


I am left to question. I am left to stand alone.


It feels a little like waking up from a long, long, long, long sleep with a terrible horrid and wonderful dream I remember, and as I wake realize the dream was reality. But the exhaustion is still there, the pain, the dust and cobwebs settled down on the bed on top.
But I am slowly waking, and moving, and breathing again. Still have days of tears and sobs, but also days where I have to start thinking of my own place in society. My own personal value. What I am worth, really? What do I give? What do I leave?
I am not Buffy, Kara or Faith. I reject the idea that my gift is Death, that I am the one to lead to the End.
I am real. My life is often a mirror to the sad and horrid scripted things we entertain ourselves with, but my life is only scripted by me.
I suppose I am now realizing that I don't want it written with a short end.


Saturday I was out after end of Sabbath and walking to get some milk and eggs to bake a cake. At the same cross-street where the bicyclist had been fatally hit back in May of 2010, I was witness on Sat to another car on bicycle accident. I literally watched the car plow right into the cyclist. Honestly, with the way she hit him and how he fell, if he had not been wearing a helmet, I have no doubt he would be dead- or on the way to it. I stayed and gave the Police a statement. Then once I knew the kid was going to be ok, I continued on to get my milk and eggs. [The cake turned out wonderfully.]
I was walking and about 50-60' from the intersection corner when it happened- on my side of the street.
I just remember running towards the kid lying in the street.


Seems I can't just "turn it off", that part of me. I see someone in trouble, in need, I am the person who runs TOWARDS.
Not often, but times like Saturday night do make me reflect and wonder if I am really "done" with the medical field. I was never wanting to work on living patients anyway, and it all became too much after Wash passed. But, I can't just turn it off. I don't think I have it in me to stop helping.
Maybe his death has not pushed me quite all the way to "Evil Genius" member of the Evil League of Evil.

I am working on me. Myself. No longer a "We". The single, lonesome "I".



He was worth it. Even in pain, in tears, I never waver or doubt that.
Wash was worth it. So much more than I could give.

I still say "I love you." out loud. That much I never stopped. Not "loved". Current tense. I still tell him that before I go to sleep each night. I may not speak much, but the last words each night after my Shema are "I love you."
Whenever in Time, Wherever in Space, I love you, Wash.

There must be some way out of here

I think it has been long enough that I'm not spoiling this for anyone, but on the chance you have NOT seen season 4.0 or 4.5 of Battlestar Galactica and you even think you might want to; stop reading now.


I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.

This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.

This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.

I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.


When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.

For different reasons now.

Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.

I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"

No, too much.

But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.

*********************************************************************

Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.

He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.

So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.



'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!

An Unexpected Journey

Yesterday was a pretty awful day.
Last night was filled with dreams and emotions; re-living the terrifying moments of last year.

This morning I wake up to be reminded of how much I am loved and cared for; because my beloved friends are sending me to EMERALD CITY 'CON 2013!

Seattle! 3 days of Geeks & Nerds; Artists & Authors. Friends!

I am in happy, happy shock.


I will have to post the video; my gift was inside another gift; an interactive story book.

MB, KB, LL, NM <3 are="are" p="p" wonderful.="wonderful." you="you">

So many people I admire will be there. So many creations I have grown up with, adore, aspire to.

I am still not certain how to take Wash, because he does have to come with me somehow, but he will be there too. It's just not a 'Con without Wash there.

Seattle: 2 months and I will be in you!

I am in shock.

Once More (again) with Feeling

Things will never be back to "normal".

I won't go "back to [my] life".

I'm changed. Forever.

If not purely by my marriage and almost 4 years of living with another person.

I'm not "The Queen of Death". I'm not "Bones". [and ye gods I have hated those nicknames]

I'm me.

I'm Tashi.

I'm watching my husband die, more and more everyday.

I'm Tashi.

I'm not a wife anymore, though I've kept all my vows.

I'm a nurse, a help, a guide.

What becomes of me when he goes? I've done the statistical odds of dying at the same time as him, it's not a number in my favour.

I left college.

I left my work, my job, my contacts.

I never was smart enough to find a cure, to save him.

We never got a house, only our little rented "home" that I'm going to have to tear apart even before he dies.

I'm going to have to pack away my books, my closest companions and friends.

I'm going to have to put away things which we both love, but cause danger.

There is so much change.

I cannot see myself on the other side. I cannot see how *I* will remain with that much change.

I'm already so different. Who am I now, who will I be then? Will I have any part of my own true self left?

I've given so much away already.

Given so much of my life to him, to keep him going, breathing, smiling, loving.

Must be a bad day. My movie lineup is "Once More with Feeling", "Harold and Maude", "The Royal Tenenbaums", and if those don't work- JT's "Titus".

I'm lost.

I'm leading someone, but I'm lost. He's mostly leading me now, leading to the end. Saying goodbyes.

Soon, he'll go.

I'll be lost again.

And then, alone.

How can that ever lead to "normal".

How could I go back to what I was?

I have a few hours alone. I've cried, sobbed, and had two asthma attacks.

I'm going to go sit in the shower and probably cry more.

I try to think about the details of the next couple weeks and my brain just locks; there's so much pain it won't let me think about it. I just get headaches.

I want to clear my head and bowl.