Tuesday, July 17, 2012


I've had a few more aides around the past couple days to help keep my off my foot and help with Wash.

I've been resting a lot and trying to think about the "next step" with all of this, our lives.

I never heard back from (awful) MSW last week. Or even Monday.
He wants to meet today.

I have to try and be calm, but my inclination is to yell him the fuck out at not responding to my page for him Wed, the 2-3 calls I left Thurs, the 2 voicemails I left Friday as well....
I am not happy with that area of Hospice. Everything else they are awesome. But our most recent Medical Social Worker is just.... patriarchal.
Neither Wash nor I are happy/get along with this guy.

I also spent most of yesterday while I was in bed working to sniff out a (brain cancer) faker. No, I will not link to anything right now, I'd rather not give the person more attention, which is their goal.
The anger I felt though, that someone would fake something so horrible that has personally effected me- it was more than eclipsed when the person was exposed at the very very very least as a lair about brain cancer. That let to a new kind of "vindication" happiness.

Wash has been building LEGO sets. For like, a week straight.
He shows no signs of slowing down or stopping. There really is not much he can "do" anymore, and LEGO lets him build, and pretend, and be an architect again, explore his Steampunk side, and he can happily regress to top! They're pretty perfect for him.

We had a few guests come by, it was nice to catch up with my friends.
I am saddened that everyone else seems to "grow up"; they graduate, they get engaged or married, they get pregnant, they buy a house, they have their first child, move for a new career, GROW.
They have the oppertunities for everything I *can't* have.
I am 25 still.
I didn't graduate, I don't know now if I ever will. Wash and I tried, but 3 miscarriages was the closest I ever came to that "life step". We have so much debt, I don't even dream of owning a house or property in the future.
My life is caring for my husband until he dies.

Then... what?
That's the part I can't see.

I can't imagine a future with *me* in it either.

Lost Tashi today.

/Good news, down to Advil only for the toe pain. Which is ok as long as I'm not standing or walking for more than 30 mins. 2-3 more weeks with a cane though.


  1. But you will be in your future. There's so much love in you that, even though you can't see it right now, your future will hold something nice and bright. Not tomorrow and not next week, but it will. I've seen people overcome darkness so great I could not begin to fathom it in my wildest dreams, only to come out on top, spitting fate in the ugly visage.

  2. Cancer, of any kind whether it be skin, breast, brain or colon. etc..... it's no joking matter, I'm not suffering, but I am affected. I can't believe people out there are sick enough to joke about that... :/

  3. At 25 you are still plenty young enough to have a house, child, career, finish college... and lots more in your future. Your friends may be doing it now, but there is nothing wrong with waiting.... waiting might even be to your benefit. Lots of people in their 30s, 40s (and beyond) are working towards goals similar to what you mention.

  4. Tashi, I am so sad for you. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug, and just sit there with you and hold your hand. I knwo you feel lost right now.....but there really is a 'you' in there. That you is just taking a backrow seat for now. You have way too much on your plate right now to visualize a future for you...that's okay. Cause that is why it is called 'future'. It, and you, will come together when it turns into 'now'. What you are doing is very hard - but it is what you need to be doing right now. My wish would be that you - and everyone else in a similar situation - never had to go thru this, but that is not realistic.

  5. Remember - just as you did not know this trial was in store for you, you do not know what your future holds. I promise there will be very, very good things.

  6. Sorry about your foot injury, that's got to be tough. Hope you are having an easier time with your Hospice worker.
    My husband had Gamma Knife 7/5,and is doing pretty good. Food tastes a little off he says. He ate tacos, which he has always loved and he said it was like tasting them for the first time,and didn't like them. Strange. Did Wash ever do Gamma Knife? The Mri the morbid it,they said the tumor had grown more just in the 4 weeks since his one in June. I wish I knew that the Gamma had worked or not. The Dr. Said the next Mri in 2 months will likely look worse before it looks better. Breaking the blood/brain barrier takes awhile to settle down or something like that.
    Hang in there friend - thinking of both of you!

  7. Argh *morning of it* not morbid.

  8. ::love::



    = Wash + Tashi