Monday, June 18, 2012

Posts at 1am

Wash has had Xanax and Ativan up the yazoo. He was ok for the two or so hours our friend J. was by tonight.
Then he got super angry and depressed again. He cannot remember so much of the short term stuff, and he was angry at himself- and yelled at me.
He asked for the Chaplain to come, it'll be close to 1am when she gets here. He says he's getting "Ready" and doesn't want to "pain me or talk about it with you".

I'm trying so hard to not cry right now.

I brought him some wood blocks and Legos to play with, because he was asking what was "safe" that he woudn't harm himself with.
The Hospice Nurse on call said she hoped it was a bad night, but that these intense changes, and his night-issues might be his way of trying to say he is ready to die.

NOW I'm crying.


  1. Oh Tashi. Your readers are feeling your pain. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm beside you in spirit, with my arm around your waist to help you stay up, stay strong.

    The formatting is fucked up, but I hope this gives you some small tiny measure of comfort, if not now, then in the future:

    Any belief in love itself is what I'd have you want,
    Look me in the eye with that sort of love that looks,
    Through me as if grief were so much tissue paper,
    With a love that doesn't stop with me or you, that
    Doesn't stop when there's no more world to fear
    Because there is no need to wheel the bed outside,
    Because a hospital melts like a snowflake, because
    The walls and windows and even the bed liquify,
    Even the things she's seen that aren't there vanish
    Because how much energy there is in emptiness,
    Take everything away, there's still something there.

    There's still something there, Tashi. There always will be. The love you & Kevin have for each other is stronger than fucking cancer.

  2. Reading your blog has changed my life. I've never seen a love as devoted and strong as yours, and I am so sorry you're going through this. You are both amazing people.

  3. I've been keeping up with your story for some time, but I just can never come up with any words that I feel might help, there just aren't words. Your story hits so close to home, and I wish I didn't live on the other side of the continent and there was something I could/could've done to help you and Wash. You and Wash remind me so much of me and my fiance (who I call Firefly and he calls me Serenity). I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. Cancer sucks. There aren't words to describe how much it hurts and how much it takes away and the destruction it leaves behind. I wish there was more I could do.

  4. Crying is ok.. Hope you both stay safe, and that Kevin finds a way to let go gently when the time is right, that you have support too, that you find hope even where there is none, and that you remember him whole, even when he seems to have disappeared.

    *hugs* and tears with you.. xx

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  6. Lots and lots of hugs - for both of you. I hope that you both can eventually find the peace that you so desperately need and deserve.
    And now a quote I recently came across, from e.e.cummings:
    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)...

  7. Damn that's hard to imagine, my thoughts are with you and him. I know it must be awful, to be so young and so ready to die. I can't imagine ::hugs::