Saturday, June 16, 2012

Harbinger

Bad night.

I had to call Hospice twice.

He was uncontrollable. So angry at me, saying the most horrid things.
Then, he started to hit himself.

He's on Ativan and Haldol tonight.

He's a bit more calm now.


He keeps calling Aelphie "Max". "Max" was Wash's old cat when he was a younger kid, that cat has been passed away for many years now. He sometimes catches himself, "No, Aelphie, not Max!" but...

This is a shit awful and scary night for me.

I'll give more details later, it hurts to write right now.

3 comments:

  1. Oh shit.

    Thinking of you and your beloved Wash, and sending vibes of strength and courage to you both.

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  2. I just spent the last half hour or so crying with and for you. Many missed posts were read, and I just can't get over that damn bubble wrap.
    Your posts put things into perspective. I was whingeing and moaning for pretty much all week that I get no sleep and a 50 hour work week wears me out- what the heck? You two go through hell, every minute of every day. And you're only babies, so young that it makes my heart bleed.
    I'm scrambling for words of support, but they are hard to find. What to say? Keep calm and carry on? Eff that.
    Maybe one day I will learn to be the heroine you are, giving love when everybody else has withdrawn and staying strong in the face of the worst nightmare. Doubt it, though, just dealing with my clinically depressed Mister often proves too much and finds me searching for an easy way out at the worst of times.
    You and Wash are a living, breathing lesson in life and love. Humbling and utterly inspiring. Even if his life is cut short by a freak cell growth, he will still have influenced many a life, and that's a hell of a lot more than most people can say for themselves. And you, Tashi, are more of a woman than I could ever aspire to be.

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  3. Oh, poor Tashi............ Although I'm sure you've talked to Wash's Neuro-Oncologist; and to his Hospice Charge Nurse about this, I worry-worry-*w.o.r.r.y.* that things will escalate BEYOND Wash's hitting himself. Even though you might not be physically injured, at all----(or physically hurt, with only minor injuries)----I honestly try to put myself in your shoes; and how I would feel, for the rest of my Natural Lifetime, I think............ if I were physically harmed............ NOT, really, by the man I love............ but by The Damn, Evil Cancer IN the man I love.

    Having taken care of those who were physically assaulted (throughout my entire career), I understand what your extraordinarily-wrenching alternative is; but, then again, if Wash were still "The Wash You FIRST Met" in May 2008............ and The Courageous Browncoat that he still IS............ what would Wash genuinely want for YOU, i.e., The *T.*R.*U.*E.* Love Of His Life?? Even my READING, briefly, about how bad, awful, and scary this past Friday night was for you was hard (for me)............ so I can only imagine how h.a.r.d. it was for you, i.e., with your really EXPERIENCING it there, in person.


    So, there. I've said it, Tashi. 'Probably what many of your Devoted Readers............ (who have come to know and to really, *R.E.A.L.L.Y.* care about BOTH you and Wash)............ are worried about, too, after reading your post here. This past Thursday, (6/14/12), my Dad, 86, was diagnosed with (an aggressive-type of) Urinary Bladder Cancer; and I also hate, h.a.t.e. that Cancer is taking Wash; but............ I don't want The Damn, Evil Cancer to (indirectly/p.r.e.v.e.n.t.a.b.l.y.) take you away, too, Tashi. Nor~~no doubt~~would Wash.

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