Monday, January 16, 2012


I am beyond tired and not sure how to even really say this.

Wash is still stable and around. He does not have a new tumor. But, he is not where he was. He has a lot of memory problems now, and hiding them just does not work anymore. He is not happy and he is not living a good life right now.

I want that to change. I hope it still can.

I called Hospice. He's not going anywhere, they will be coming to us. But they have the help he needs right now that I just cannot give.
I miss being a wife. I miss thinking about myself as a person. I miss being happy, myself.

This is the best chance we have for that. Hospice allows us to be a married couple again. They take some of the pain and worry away. My hope is that I can spend 6 good months WITH my husband, instead of 6 months fighting Cancer and Government FOR my husband. I will have time to rest myself. He will have someone else to responsibly watch and care after him for a period. I can relax. He gets access to wheelchairs and other equipment so he can go outside and socialize again, not having to factor in his physical fatigue anymore. They also have counselors and massage therapy for him too.

I hope and I believe he is not in the last two weeks of his life. But, Hospice is there for those terminal and End of Life- and right now, his Quality of Life needs to improve. I hope this is the step that does that. I don't think I can do this on my own anymore. It's just too much. I don't want to be what brings him down, he just needs more help.

It's still a hard thing. I almost feel like I failed him. Like I let him down.

He fucking deserves some happiness.
I'd like to think we both do.

I don't like how much this decision hurts. I have to be hopeful for it. No one else is doing this, no one else is caring for him, it's me. I say it's time for help, and time for a better End for my love.


  1. Hey sweetie, don't feel bad about taking care of yourself--that's perfectly OKAY. You're doing what's best for both of you. I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm sending prayers and happy thoughts and well wishes for you both.


  2. There is NO shame in asking for help. This is not a job for one person. You've had so much on your shoulders for so long I'm sure it'll seem strange to not have to be on all the time. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be good for you both. Blessings to you and Wash, my dear.

  3. This is a positive step for you both - you can let professionals manage the details and you and Wash can focus on each other. Equally important, you can get proper rest and recharge.

  4. You are doing wonderful, Tashi. You really are. This sounds a very appropriate decision. I hope that you and Wash are able to experience some sweet moments surrounded by peace. You both definitely a lot more than that, though. Peace be with you both.

  5. You have done exactly the right thing. Hospice stresses the "life" part of end-of-life care. Remember that these are people who do this every day, and who've seen practically any situation that you can imagine, so they can look at Wash's situation with detachment. You can take the time you need to care for yourself, and be his friend, partner, and lover rather than his nurse.

    I'm proud of you for doing this. You didn't feel a sense of failure when a surgeon took out his tumor, so don't feel like a failure for calling in professionals to deal with this, too.

  6. I'm honestly relieved, Tashi, that you called Hospice to help you because it's just a *g.o.o.d.* decision, not only for your and Wash's total physical/emotional health now; but also, frankly............ for the sake of your and Wash's marriage, too.

    I also totally agree with everyone's Comments, (Above)............ particularly with Jo's very wise and insightful words which are (again) just *spot-on*, you know.

    After my little comment in October, (i.e., 10/24/11), I've prayed every day, Tashi, that you yourself wouldn't require hospitalization for illness and/or for complete exhaustion............ because that, as you know, can-and-does happen to those devoted spouses (like you are) who valiantly try to "do it all" FOR their terminally-ill husbands or wives. Your having called Hospice now will make that genuinely awful scenario much-less-likely to happen because, as you've said............ you'll have time to rest, relax, (and/or to simply recharge) *while* Wash will have someone else to responsibly watch and care after him for a period.

    I----i.e., peace-loving/non-confrontational, to a fault, person (at heart) that I am----have had to personally "fight," at times, FOR my (37-year) marriage. Some of the ways I've had to fight for my marriage have been rather............ unconventional. Your having called Hospice for your husband *and* for yourself now is, (in my opinion), just another one of the many-many-many ways that you've............ already *f.o.u.g.h.t.* for your HUSBAND, Tashi............ and for your MARRIAGE.

    Prayers for, and (((*hugs*))) to, you and Wash both ~

  7. This was so the right thing to do for both of you. Just like everyone said, you now can be his wife again and not his nurse. You can enjoy the time left with less stress. You are able to take time to destress which will help your health in the long run too. Now you guys can just focus on each other.

  8. This seems like a good move for you both--taking the pressure off can't help improve the situation between you. I hope you can now enjoy your time together and focus on just being together. Love is a wonderful thing, and calling hospice was a loving thing to do. xo

  9. I'm echoing every one else here but you are NOT a failure - asking for help is a sign of strength. You're doing the right thing Tashi. You're giving you both a chance to have some good times together and focus on being as happy as you can be.
    Thinking of you xx

  10. Tashi, you are the farthest thing from a failure that I have ever read about in my entire life. Sending good thoughts your way for some peace and happiness for both of you.

  11. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.