Wash is still stable and around. He does not have a new tumor. But, he is not where he was. He has a lot of memory problems now, and hiding them just does not work anymore. He is not happy and he is not living a good life right now.
I want that to change. I hope it still can.
I called Hospice. He's not going anywhere, they will be coming to us. But they have the help he needs right now that I just cannot give.
I miss being a wife. I miss thinking about myself as a person. I miss being happy, myself.
This is the best chance we have for that. Hospice allows us to be a married couple again. They take some of the pain and worry away. My hope is that I can spend 6 good months WITH my husband, instead of 6 months fighting Cancer and Government FOR my husband. I will have time to rest myself. He will have someone else to responsibly watch and care after him for a period. I can relax. He gets access to wheelchairs and other equipment so he can go outside and socialize again, not having to factor in his physical fatigue anymore. They also have counselors and massage therapy for him too.
I hope and I believe he is not in the last two weeks of his life. But, Hospice is there for those terminal and End of Life- and right now, his Quality of Life needs to improve. I hope this is the step that does that. I don't think I can do this on my own anymore. It's just too much. I don't want to be what brings him down, he just needs more help.
It's still a hard thing. I almost feel like I failed him. Like I let him down.
He fucking deserves some happiness.
I'd like to think we both do.
I don't like how much this decision hurts. I have to be hopeful for it. No one else is doing this, no one else is caring for him, it's me. I say it's time for help, and time for a better End for my love.
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