Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Past the edge

It seems quite odd to me to have nothing to say.

I've been spending a bit more time away from the computer and trying to focus hard on our lives and coping with my depression.

I hate the helpless feeling. I hate the way it creeps up and robs me of my sleep. I hate the doubt that gets planted in my mind. The little warning bell that goes off at the thought of anything because everything can turn dangerous now.

Wash and I have been trying to work on being able to separate off our feelings of frustration at each other and the actual anger at the cancer itself, not the person in who it resides.

So far his health is holding pretty steady. The usual insurance issues with filling his meds- thankfully our Pharm team gets shit done.

Things are better between us at least. We always get our shit settled before bed, but we both have been working on trying to help each other more. It's to the point now where I have to specifically ask for "Tashi" time- a specific set amount of time where Wash focuses on treating me like a living person and less like a servant. I'm also trying to communicate more to him what I need of him and what he needs of himself to be a little bit independent.

I worry so so so much. Then again, considering that my husband is 27 and dying of brain cancer and I can't work/bring in income, and we live in Arizona - the state that told us to emigrate elsewhere, perhaps my stress and worry is an appropriate response.

1 comment:

  1. One thing I've noticed a lot recently----(i.e., even moreso than in the past)----is that often the most "together-looking"/"together-sounding" people have genuinely AWFUL personal burdens that they're carrying. I'd daresay that when you & Wash attended the Phoenix COMICON this past May, few there could "tell" ............ the horrible, crushing burden of brain cancer that he (and caregiver wife you) were carrying.

    As women, I think we----(including me, for sure!!)----can, at times, over-stress, over-worry, and over-ruminate about our problems; but some things, objectively/legitimately, are just SO-DAMN-BAD, (i.e., as you know from personal experience now) ............ that it's honestly hard not to do those things; so we periodically just have to look at ourselves in the mirror, and VERBALLY ............ *F.O.R.G.I.V.E. O.U.R.S.E.L.V.E.S.* ............ for simply ............ being human, you know. (Doing so honestly does drain-off some----but not all, of course----of the stress and worry).

    When you've been a strong woman your whole life----(and you indeed have been, Tashi)----then when you suddenly have to SITUATIONALLY ACCEPT periodic, very intense feelings of anger and frustration; helplessness and hopelessness; doubt and despair ............ not only because of the crushing burden of brain cancer in the person whom you most love ............ (and, additionally, all of those PATENTLY UNFAIR Overlying Factors, too, i.e., as in your last paragraph, Above) ............ but also because of your own painful health problems ............ well, your stress and worry then *ARE* appropriate responses.

    Robots, automatons, zombies, (and Star Trek's Dr. Spock!!) don't *Suffer With Their Emotions And Life's Inherent Unfairness* like we do, as human beings, although I'd much rather be able to FEEL both "emotional pain" and "love" than to be robotic, being able to feel ............ *neither*, you know.