Sat I woke up very early and packed an away bag for us. Wash woke up and did his best to help. We picked up our friend Sr and drove North. Well, I drove. Stop for groceries, stop for gas. 30 some odd miles later and we were up at Sr's parent's place for the weekend.
We had a pool/bbq out for Wash's birthday. I think I went swimming about 4 different times. We had some friends come over and help make some of the best burgers ever and I even made up some margaritas. We laughed, told jokes, and played games for a few hours.
Sleeping was fitful- no noises but the dogs. No planes or trains or noisy neighbours. Was lovely.
I'm very used to my own bed though.
I'm not certain how to write this next part.
Wash and I argue. This is part of marriage, part of the learning communication thing, part my Aspergers, and part brain damage from cancer.
It means though there are times when I'm just frustrated and sad. Times when I cannot comprehend his behaviour and I'm "toned" with shock.
And times when he just hates all that has happened to him so he acts spoiled. He will not live up to his word, and frankly, some of the time it is just him using an excuse.
He hates laundry. He hates the dishes. I fully know sometimes he just puts them off because he doesn't want to do a chore.
News flash, I don't want to either! But, since I'm not the one with cancer, I don't have choices. I have to make sure he gets fed and the house is clean. Food gets bought. The car stays gassed and legal to drive. Trash gets taken out. MediCare gets fought over.
I get sick and just impatient when he pulls shit.
I don't hate him. I don't begrudge his feelings, if I was dying I would not want to lift a finger either. But that is not the reality of our situation. The Earth still moves and things need to get done, so everything just gets shifted back onto me. It sucks. Much as we can wish, the truth remains and so does the work.
Wash has an appointment tomorrow to work on his will. This I also think is not helping him overall attitude wise.
I think we are both just sad, scared, and upset right now. He just turned 27 and faces the very very very real possibility of not living to see 30. That is painful for both of us.
Life ain't fair and even teddy bear fights can't cover that truth for long.
We keep coming back to that question, 'How do you live when you are dying? Where do we go from here?'
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I've followed you since you were featured on The Consumerist; just now am I brave enough to comment.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's important for you to talk about this very real part of marriage which exists no matter what extenuating circumstance there might also be. While it is nothing compared to your situation (and I'm sure you're tired of hearing that, too) my husband is deployed. We're newlyweds, we were both people who were independent for years before we found each other. We fought for a week over money, on a satellite phone, through a war zone and 9 1/2 hours of time difference. Some spouses just try to eat their frustrations and normal marital issues, and they hurt worse when the soldier arrives home. Husband and I try to work it out, but that means we fight, too. It's hard to think that he's still trying to be a husband while in war; I'm sure he knows he doesn't understand what it's like back here for me.
So, anyway thanks for your honesty. I think it's important to talk about these things, if for no other reason than to let others know that ALL of life still happens, no matter what else could be going on. Godspeed and good vibes.
I don't know the answer to the question. Except, maybe, to find something -any little thing- to celebrate. Every day. Might be like geocaching at times.. but that's all I got.
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