Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just can't make a sound

Waking up this morning brought some unwanted realities home.
I fucking hate brain cancer.

So some of the side effects of Wash's cancer meds is that he is REALLY heat intolerant.
He already cannot tell when he is getting overheated, his thirst does not kick in as normal, and he is predisposed to getting dehydrated, which can actually lead to more seizures. He has to be careful how much time he spends outside/or in any area that is not temperature controlled. Failing this his doctors have confirmed can lead to more seizures and even perhaps hospitalization for him. That part Wash says he very much does not want, yet frustrates me so much because it seems like he won't DO anything to actually keep him out of it. He doesn't like listening to me, even when what I am telling him might save his life. FUCK.
This whole fucking week I have been reminding him to drink water, buying juice boxes for him to drink etc. He's been sucking on the soda tit for like 6 days.
We went out a record twice yesterday including one late night walk about a mile.
He's been complaining this week - and for a week I told/asked him to remember to drink; WATER. He loves his ginger ale and his root beer and anything "clear soda, but no caffeine". He is under the assumption (from WHERE/WHO??) that he can be "fine" if he just drinks soda without caffeine. This... is not so much true. His body just doesn't work that way.
Even last night when we got home.
Nope, he wanted his Ginger Ale. Gave him a giant glass of water before bed, asked him to drink it all. Nope.
I woke up this morning to find the hot water tap almost drained as he left it running all night in my bathroom. He did this at some point in the early morning because he was feeling "too bad" to walk downstairs to his bathroom. He knew at that point he was feeling crappy, but did not drink anything or wake me up to let me know. At this, I get upset. If he is really feeling like shit, he needs to wake me and let me know. Otherwise, I think he's just playing up whatever he can. He does this a lot.

He wakes up today and -SURPRISE- isn't feeling well. I decided to sit him and down and rationally explain that if he wants to decide on his own about his drinks and ignore me and his doctors then I just cannot give him sympathy or comfort for the situation he places himself in.

See, almost two years ago he kept feeling "dehydrated". He was fine, just didn't have enough water.
Except it was in fact a GAINT ASS BRAIN TUMOR growing in his head, crushing his brain and leaving cancer cells to kill him.
Pardon me for my reaction at not wanting to go through that again- until we have to. His health is my best interest, I just don't know why he cannot see that. I don't go out of my way to haul 5 gallons of water at a time unless it's for him, there's a reason for my actions and words; even when I rationally explain them I think, I worry, my point is lost.

I'm more than happy to try and give empathy/sympathy when I can, but I just do not know how to do it when the person puts themselves in the position of their own volition. I just don't know how.

Why do I both feel like "the bad guy" and also relieved as a caregiver?

1 comment:

  1. Hi,
    I'm with you on this, Steve was always reluctant to do what I asked of him until he learned the hard way. Staying away from people with infection was ignored until he was hospitalised overnight for a slight cough and nit doing too much was ignored until I let him see how tired he got by overdoing stuff.

    I also showed him how I was able and happy to defend him and speak up for him and the independence he lost whenever necessary but only when he supported me in allowing me to provide the care he needed but didn't want.

    All we can do is to love them, my husband said it was easier being a patient than a carer and I now agree with him. I know it is tough right now but it's true we always take our frustrations out on those closest to us, Wash may be fed up of doing what he's told, I guess deep down he knows you're right, a hug, some reassurance that you are looking out for him and be honest with how much you worry and hopefully he will cone round to your way of thinking.

    xxx Take care xxx Mark xxx