Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Life, ah, finds a way

My parents are celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary today- they also decided one weekend to just "go North" and get married.
I must say, I find it sometimes harder to remember the date for not having an original celebration that day, they just told us when they got back.

Got stuck tonight in some bad traffic; 3 cars totaled, don't know about injuries. I got pissed off at all the drivers queue jumping.

Wash and I have issues. The cancer, it can make things even more frustrating.
Right now I am just trying to get him to a point where he can at least accept and attempt to do some share of help, SOMEthing...
I have learned, I cannot do everything. I already do too much and don't even take care properly of myself, it is too much to ask even more of me.
Taking a shower every day and doing dishes once a day just... it seems impossible for him to do it. He hates me when he can't remember and I remind him. He hates me when he does remember and he just doesn't WANT to do it.
Except my issue is that as an adult I know there are things we have to do that we don't want to, being an adult is sucking up the unfairness and just doing it anyway.
I have told him there is a Hospice Home or he can move to Cali and live with his parents if he doesn't WANT to do anything until he dies. But I'm not ready to accept a husband who just wants to die, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to just... exist.
His brain has been injured. His motivation section was DESTROYED by the tumor. He still CAN do things, it just takes so much more of him to do it.
I guess for me, the big picture is that doing just a couple small fast things each and every day to make life for myself and my spouse is not a big deal. It's even a bargain to do dishes daily and not have literally any other responsibilities. Everything falls to me, and some things which he can do, and said he would/will do I just... I can seem to find the energy to try and get Wash to question why he can't/won't do things, but I don't have enough in me to do it all myself.
I don't know if that makes sense.

I just hate having a house reek of rotting food because the past 6 days have been Wash saying "Oh, I'll get to it today...." "Oh, I'll just do it later..."

He tries. He does do things for me.
It's just some days I hurt so much, I tell him this, and then he says back to me, "Why don't you love/respect yourself more?"
I wish it was that easy. I wish I got energy back that I spend on him. I don't.

The worst thing about cancer is that Life does in fact go on.
Cancer doesn't stop the bills from piling up.
Cancer won't do your cleaning for you.
Cancer can be eating away at your very existence and body and for everyone else, life just keeps happening!
As unfair as EVERYTHING is, the world still turns and you HAVE to keep going on. Scream, cry, hate it, does not change the fact.
Normalcy means asking and expecting help. It means keeping the daily things going and knowing that even the hardest days you have to take the time to enjoy what is left.

I can love my husband and still hate the cancer. I do.

Some days are harder and some are pure joy. I just never know which I will wake up to.


  1. That last line was the kicker. You both are in my thoughts - I hope Wash can perk up a bit and do a bit more, for *both* your sakes.

  2. I didn't mean to stir anything up in you Tashi... I was mainly wondering if you are allowed to go off now and again. To the point that it is almost funny, like when I said when I apologized to my husband I was laughing at the memory of me streaming all those curse words out. I am pretty sure that me cussing him out like that also diffused the situation, in the actual moment when I was so angry.

    Like when I stub my toe badly, it feels so much better if I drop some F bombs. Really, it works! haha.

    I hate cancer too. We have Fuck Cancer parties every birthday, and, every anniversary of the diagnosis. And this is just my cousin (good friend). I don't want to even imagine if it were my husband. Hugs sweetie.