Nothing's going right. Or at least, if it is it just feels all wrong.
My brain just HURTS. Like sharp spikes in it.
I wish I could just put Tashi and her problems and everything in a little box and leave it.
Lost a fish this morning. Woke up too early. Bills and no money. Friend's leaving the country.
Today I am having a hard day coping. Today I just want us to be normal.
I don't want us to be poor. I don't want to be sick. I don't want my husband to have fucking goddamn brain cancer. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to fight anymore.
I'm sick of being strong and responsible.
Not even an Aelphie-butt purring in my lap can help today.
No I am not together today. Today it is just too hard for me to ignore all the changes. 6 loads of laundry, fuck cancer I have to clean. Dishes Wash has been promising to do- left out so long I saw a roach last night. Trash should have been out days ago. I just don't know how to do EVERYTHING , be responsible for every fucking thing, and care for Tashi too. There is just nothing left.
I'm so tired and there's just nothing left in me but responsibility placed there by a tumor.
Fuck it all. I'm having an issue remembering why I even keep myself breathing.
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Praying for you, you're never alone.
ReplyDeleteHi I just found this page and I hope you still check it once in awile. My husband Tim has terminal brain cancer-glioblastoma grade 4. He was diagnosed exactly one year ago. He's getting much worse and I have a hard time keeping it together like you do apparently. How is your husband now? I know this post is 7 months old so I hope he is still with you. I totally understand your feeling of having to "do it all". It's just the same for me. Some days all I want to do is cry. Please type me anytime. Look forward to hearing from a fellow traveler on this awful journey.
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