Friday, July 15, 2011

Stop and Stare

Bad morning, bad life. Hate Aspies, hate my brain, hate the pain. Disgusted by my human emotions and the fact that I can't cope or dissociate myself today. My husband has terminal brain cancer. Today, I fucking hate cancer. Gorram no good rotten very bad day.

Nothing's going right. Or at least, if it is it just feels all wrong.

My brain just HURTS. Like sharp spikes in it.

I wish I could just put Tashi and her problems and everything in a little box and leave it.

Lost a fish this morning. Woke up too early. Bills and no money. Friend's leaving the country.

Today I am having a hard day coping. Today I just want us to be normal.

I don't want us to be poor. I don't want to be sick. I don't want my husband to have fucking goddamn brain cancer. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm sick of being strong and responsible.

Not even an Aelphie-butt purring in my lap can help today.

No I am not together today. Today it is just too hard for me to ignore all the changes. 6 loads of laundry, fuck cancer I have to clean. Dishes Wash has been promising to do- left out so long I saw a roach last night. Trash should have been out days ago. I just don't know how to do EVERYTHING , be responsible for every fucking thing, and care for Tashi too. There is just nothing left.

I'm so tired and there's just nothing left in me but responsibility placed there by a tumor.

Fuck it all. I'm having an issue remembering why I even keep myself breathing.


  1. Hi I just found this page and I hope you still check it once in awile. My husband Tim has terminal brain cancer-glioblastoma grade 4. He was diagnosed exactly one year ago. He's getting much worse and I have a hard time keeping it together like you do apparently. How is your husband now? I know this post is 7 months old so I hope he is still with you. I totally understand your feeling of having to "do it all". It's just the same for me. Some days all I want to do is cry. Please type me anytime. Look forward to hearing from a fellow traveler on this awful journey.