Thursday, July 28, 2011

Rescue who?

An interesting day so far for sure.

Woke up to go out today with my mum while Wash spent some time visiting and catching up with his parents.

We were out for around 4 hours, and I managed to find some new cute things to wear. If anything though it is a reminder for me to really try to get back into as much shape as I can. Spending as long on as many anti-depressants as I was did not do me any good- in fact I almost marvel that I haven't put on 50 lbs, just 25-30.
I picked up some good solid colours though so they will work with my summer outfits, they will fit nicely with an Arizona fall and I can use them with my winter stuff from 2 years ago so it all works.

Now I just have to take the time and energy to clean out my closet. This will in actuality only take perhaps an hour, I'm just always finding excuses not to. Time to change. I try to find/spend 20 mins every day cleaning just a small portion of the house, but a little bit every day will eventually help me get back in control. With Wash, things move and get changed around. It's always a catch up game with cleaning now.

Wash spent the time with his parents this morning, he's asleep now. Tired himself out real well. 'I just need a nap." "I just need to lie down, I'll be fine." "I didn't push myself...*yawn*"
I'll wake him by 6pm if he isn't up by then. Needing a 2 hour or longer nap though, yea, he pushed himself too hard. I can see it, even if he is not ready to admit it.

We had my parents come with us to the most recent Brain Tumor Support Group. I think it made a lot of difference for Wash to see family there for him, and it made me feel -supported- for lack of any other descriptor. I feel better as well knowing they are trying to learn, and trying to really understand what our life is like every day, not just once a week. It is a really good step for all of us and my hope is we are brought closer together as a family with knowledge and acceptance not hidden and far flung from fear.

We also finally finished the story for our nephew Yo-Chan and got his package sent off to Japan. (with my mum and her stuff). We've been collecting small things for literally about 4 months now for him and wanted to write a small story to explain the meaning behind giving him my smushed penny collection. It's 20 years worth of collection from me - but it's going to my nephew and I am hopeful as well that it might make him smile or provide some inspiration in his life. He's 2 1/2 now and they only grow up faster and faster, this I know.

My mum also managed to track down the two nail polish colours I have fallen in love with this year and bough me 2 bottles. I love having painted toe-nails, it helps me feel like I don't have giant furry hobbit feet when they are painted. It's a small thing, but I am learning that sometimes just doing the small thing for myself can help keep me sane. Taking care of an adult who varies in mental age from 2-7 to 27 is hard. Sometimes he can reason about as well as a toddler, sometimes he can talk/build things that can be marveled over. His short term memory issues tend to do him in more than anything else.

Wash's parents will be around for a few more days. We have a few plans and the rest I think will most likely be just trying to spend time with Wash- any maybe me? I know they want to take Wash (and me) to the little Sea Life aquarium that opened near us- as Wash's birthday present. We might also catch some movies or perhaps a day trip.

Wash and I right now, we are in a period of arrested development. We can't mature at the same rate as the others in our age group. Nor do we have the life experience or years under us to be at the level of those who are elderly and retired/hospiced. There are many things we both want to do which just are not possible with cancer. We both are on a journey of meaning and purpose, though different for each of us. His journey ends at his death, but mine should go on. What do we do in the now? What do we do to prepare for the future? How do you look at a 'future' when you measure your lifespan in days/possible months?

Wash says I should write. I should compose my words into a book- perhaps his story, our story. I've told him though, I don't think I could write a book without an ending. Our story is not at an end yet, it is not over.
A book sits. A book ages. Books though, do not change.
Wash and I still change. How do I write a story when the people, the characters, and the plot might keep changing?

Every day that he wakes up we both have to answer the unspoken question- 'How are you going to live until you die?'

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