Goodbye, Lee.

Missing my husband very very very much today.
It's one of those 'I can't stop thinking about his last day alive' kind of days.

Any spare bit of love, or support you can send towards me today is most appreciated.

6.9

Thinking good thoughts for my friends right now in Japan. Most if not all of my family over there is down on the South side of the mainland or on one of the southern islands; but a lot of my friends from school-age days are still up North.


Births. Bris. Weddings.

I want to feel happy. I try to. For the sake of the people I love, I do. I adore and care about my friends and I want so badly to just enjoy their triumphs in life.

At the same time, I feel like I'm walking around at these social engagements with a giant black "W" on my chest. I don't know people, I'm not an extrovert; that was Wash. That was his job, he would socialize or help me interact.
I feel lost.


It felt bad enough as someone with AS, not knowing what to say, when to speak, or what is appropriate (apparently discussing anything related to medical work/dead bodies/bones is NOT "dinner talk") and now I feel like no one knows what to say to me.
So.
Silence.

I've noticed now that pretty much no one talks about Wash anymore. They don't speak his name. They don't ask me how I'm doing. Maybe it is just assumed or obvious to others and not me?

Or, they've just moved past thinking about him. Which is ok for them. People die. People die who are not integral to one's life, and their memory or need fades.

It's not "starting over". That presumes I've only been moved "back" to a starting point I've been to before. I'm not.
I've never been here. I've never dealt with the loss of my husband before.
I've never had a 3 year employment gap.
I've never had my entire life and future I've dreamed and work towards since I was 12 suddenly vanish.
I hate that term, 'Start Over'.

I can't start over. Starting Over presumes a world without Wash ever in it, which would put me in an entirely different place. That's not what happened. Just because he is dead does not mean I will ever forget he was alive. He was a part of my life, he was a part of me.
This is not a JJ Abrams story. There is no "re-boot" halfway through, no change to another Universe, no extra Wash falling into this world, and no way to erase him from my mind.
He lives in my brain because he used my brain for 3 years.



Too many emotions. I've been crying too much lately.
I see all around me in my friends and family all the dreams I wanted that I will never have now.
There is no way to escape it.

Grief sets its own rules.

Android Sheep

Another bad night for me.
Adjusting to Widowhood is not easy. For every reason.

I am sad and missing my husband, my late husband, very much.

I will not be shamed about my choice to be more open and public with my grief.
It is far too stigmatized and misunderstood as is, despite almost all the human population feeling it at some point in their life, or several.

Did I laugh today? Yes.

Am I still sad to be going to bed alone tonight, without the person who should be there? Yes.

Grief is complicated, and unique to every person.
This is mine.

I went grocery shopping today.
I cleaned. Did dishes. Took care of laundry and my cats.
I also spent a half hour sobbing on my kitchen floor. Later on, more tears with a pillow.

There have been more functional days, and days where I've started to have more intense emotions, often overwhelming.

It is a mix every time I wake if I think I'm still dreaming, or if I recall right away that he is gone.

He is my husband. He was my late husband.
Such difference in emotion in those phrases, what information it conveys.

I see time like I never have before.

Stop and Stare

Bad morning, bad life. Hate Aspies, hate my brain, hate the pain. Disgusted by my human emotions and the fact that I can't cope or dissociate myself today. My husband has terminal brain cancer. Today, I fucking hate cancer. Gorram no good rotten very bad day.

Nothing's going right. Or at least, if it is it just feels all wrong.

My brain just HURTS. Like sharp spikes in it.

I wish I could just put Tashi and her problems and everything in a little box and leave it.

Lost a fish this morning. Woke up too early. Bills and no money. Friend's leaving the country.

Today I am having a hard day coping. Today I just want us to be normal.

I don't want us to be poor. I don't want to be sick. I don't want my husband to have fucking goddamn brain cancer. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm sick of being strong and responsible.

Not even an Aelphie-butt purring in my lap can help today.

No I am not together today. Today it is just too hard for me to ignore all the changes. 6 loads of laundry, fuck cancer I have to clean. Dishes Wash has been promising to do- left out so long I saw a roach last night. Trash should have been out days ago. I just don't know how to do EVERYTHING , be responsible for every fucking thing, and care for Tashi too. There is just nothing left.

I'm so tired and there's just nothing left in me but responsibility placed there by a tumor.

Fuck it all. I'm having an issue remembering why I even keep myself breathing.