Veni domum

I was gone this weekend out to Gold Canyon for the wedding of two of Wash's fraternity brothers.

It was beautiful and moving beyond words I have right now. I'll process some and write more.




It was also my first wedding I've been to alone/without a partner/ since Wash passed.
So, a lot of emotions.


I had a really good session for about 3 hours on Fri morning with Hospice grief services. It was helpful in many ways, and I have some reading resources to explore, and I'll have a standing appointment either weekly or bi-weekly. Which, again, is better than anything AHCCCS provides.

So, I thankfully have a few new tools to help me process some of my emotions from this weekend.

Thank you all. I'll catch you up in a bit.

Little smiles

Sharing something happy;

Wash and I are watching "Harry Potter 3" (I've never seen it) and went out for a walk earlier to the farmer's market across the street.

Later I'll be making artichokes with lemon butter, fresh corn on the cob, (fake) burgers and chicken breasts to go on my indoor grill, and a caprese salad with fresh tomatoes, basil, and soft mozzarella and a aged balsamic vinegar dressing. We also have cake-pops for dessert with red, white, and blue sprinkles.

I feel hopeful today will be a good day with some happy memories for me.

3.14159

My husband,

I love you.

Happy 3 years of living our vows, every day.

We've gone through the shit, and we have had a few glorious moments which I can hope I will never forget.

We have had our days and even short weeks of triumph and an even more precious bond.

You still make me laugh. You still teach me things, every day.

You introduced me into a world of new adventures, new images. You taught me what "Steampunk" was (and was NOT), and you welded me a throne- "For my Queen" you said. I still have it, and will as long as I live.

You crafted me matching Steampunk Goggles to your own; but with all the details for me.

The "something blue" from our wedding is kept inside the Codex you made.

You introduced me to the 9th Doctor, and in turn I showed you the 8th, and who *my* Doctor was growing up. We enjoyed laughing at the humour of Tom Baker together.

After our first real and proper date you had my heart when you said you would be happy to just to watch "Serenity" with me- no pressure for anything more than sharing a love of Joss. We did.

You showed me what the Firefly RPG was. I showed you my film collection and musicals; you had me laughing my pants off at your Jeeves & Wooster collection.

You introduced me to so many mediums of Science-Fiction I did not know existed. We bonded over shared hobbies, and you introduced me to some shows and writers I aspire to be like. You introduced me to strong creative women like Jane Espenson, Marti Noxon, and Cherie Priest.

I introduced you to my favourite female authors like Syne Mitchell and Laurie R King.

You were fine and happy that we proposed to each other.

You loved having a bride who wore a Red, not White, dress.

You wore a kilt for me.

We had two days of Honeymoon looking at Steam Trains. My heart was so big to see how happy you were around those engines and steel and steam.

You worked for me, while you could. You wrote for me.

We shared books, and stories.

You had me read "Watchmen"; and we both took a love story from that. Never knowing then how true it would really be.

You respected how having Aspergers' makes me- different. My "death shadow" never scared you. You were interested in learning about what I was in school for. You were not scared that I was around dead humans. You were proud of the work I did. You told me often.

You made me feel that even though it was often confusing, I could in fact, love that deeply.

You helped me to understand my feelings, understand what the stimulus was. Understand the motivation that falls in line with what we consider to be "unconditional love".

You built me a garden. Twice.

You took me to 'Cons. You gave me the chance to meet some of my favourite actors and idols.

You spent years bonding with my cat, even when she was not nice at all.

You care. My Wash, you care.

You have always been supportive of who I am, what I love, and what I care about.

You give me the motivation and inspiration to always be better, to be patient, to be kind, to be loving.

You are the person I want to touch as I fall asleep every night. You are the person I want to speak my last words to every night, "I love you".

You push me to keep living, every day.

Even in the bad times, you are still my best friend.

I will take happily every day I am allowed to wake up next to you, my love. For however long we get.

Happy 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

Whatever I do for you, I can hope it is a reflection of the love you have given to me.

Thank you for these 3 years of being my husband.

Thank you for being my Wash.

I love you.

Civic Duties

Not a Bus Strike or brain cancer can keep Wash and myself from our Civic duty to VOTE.

If I don't participate in the Electoral process, how can I even think to voice outrage or support?

In other news, I have awesome friends. Some girl friends got together to get me a nice tea brewing set inside the mug (with lid!) AND- they got me motherfrakking compostable tea for it! This is how I know they know and love me; not only the tea, but they know I love gardening and got me tea that would serve me well after I drank it. I am in love with my MFCoAW.

Also, some friends of ours (Roseanna, Hi!) sent us the coolest gift set; soaps from the oldest apathocary shop in the US! Wash got a set of soaps that former Presidents used! (scent wise, not a old used bar.) So, he can now smell like Washington, Ike, or Kennedy! I am fascinated by the history of it, and the scents are really nice too! Wash is adoring the idea that he smells like a former President.

We are both excited for tomorrow. 3 years married. Considering everything we have overcome together, I think it is amazing. Some days I feel like we have packed 3 decades into 3 years, then again, we have to.

Wash is getting some help in the afternoon to make dinner for us. I'm still hoping for some cool things in the mail for him, and still hoping on the off chance he will get a "Firefly" type congrats. A big part of why he has fought against this cancer (that he really can't "beat") has been for me. Much like everything that I do for him, for his smile, for a memory he can remember; he has fought to stay alive in part, for me.

He sees something so special and good in me, he has fought death to stay by my side this long.

I think that is a pretty special gift for any day, let alone our anniversary.

I'm a very lucky person, even on the bad days. I have still had 4 years together, 3 years married with the love of my life. With the other half of my soul. The person who resonates so deep within me that I will go through hell and back to have him even for one more day.

Frak cancer.

Frak brain cancer.

Frak tumors.

Frak chemo side effects.

Frak doctors who don't think he is worth "saving".

Frak insurance companies that think he is too expensive to keep alive.

Frak the drama.

Frak the bad nights and bad mornings.

Frak the tears.

For 3 years I have had the honor to be married to the person I love more than myself.

For 4 years I have known the man who changed me, and believes in me, and loves me.

It is bittersweet, but I am happy and thankful for every memory- happy or painful.

Happy almost Pi day, indeed.

It's all right with me

Reasons why I love my husband and his personality?

We're watching a program on some guys who designed a 'prison break' - and one of the convicts is a very heavyset man- compared to his fellow prisoners and most population. Wash is watching the re-enactments and says, "Wow, that guy should have been hitting the Yard more if he was planning on running with the rest of them." About half a minute later in the show the same guy is picked up as he was "too tired" to keep running.

I find it funny that he is still able to be snarky about a show.

The photo is from this Sunday. We had such a good day, it's one of those I will have to hold onto the memories.

I decided very spur of the moment Sunday morning we should have a pic-a-nic day. We got a pic-a-nic backback/kit for our anniversary last year and never had a chance to use it. Sunday was just lovely weather wise, so I said, "Let's go outside, we'll have a pic-a-nic in the park!"

To my happiness and surprise, Wash agreed.

I packed us ginger beer, cheeses (Wisconsin, and not from Koch bros either, natch) crackers, rosemary bread, salads for us, and some fruit. We brought books and games too.

The park was filled with others out enjoying the "spring" air; but the design of Tempe Town Lake is such that there is space for so many people, and you don't feel infringed upon- we felt very secure and private. The water was nice, and there were little kids everywhere on 3 wheels or training bikes. It was just a wonderful day to be a couple, to be people and not "cancer".

We had our friend come over in the evening- the boys replaced our old destroyed door-bell with a lovely new one (it's brass and glows) and cleaned our air-vents too. Then as the "reward" (ha, we love it too) we watched a few episodes of BSG .

For my mum's birthday this week we're going to the Sugar Bowl- it's a ice cream counter that's been around for more than 50 years- my mum used to go as a kid. Ever read "Family Circus"? The ice cream parlour, the pink one? That's based off the real life Sugar Bowl. I've even taken Wash a few times. It's a bit nostalgic, without being too reminiscent of the civil inequalities of the time.

Continuing my good news theme, I am officially covered for health insurance again- yay!- and we are back on the SNAP benefits (food stamps). Now we just have to get Wash squared away with his ALTECS stuff- they are the ones that pay for Respite care and cleaning and such, not Hospice. So, I wait, and let the SW do his job.

It was nice, Sunday. It was nice to pretend, even for just a few hours, like we were normal. Like we could enjoy a day out, putting aside worries. It does not happen often enough, but I have to make the most when it does. These are the memories I will want when he is gone.

Not worth it

I so do hate the days that take away my loving husband and leave me with a angry, selfish man who does not even see his wife as a human being.

I know it is 90% cancer/tumor/medicine shit, and maybe 10% his old personality, but I hate it all the same.

I get so sad and frustrated trying to anticipate what will set off his ADD like symptoms; he literally can not multi-task. I as a person, as a wife, even as a caregiver always lose out. I get pushed back to second place or further and forgotten.

I lament and I mourn I had perhaps 4 maybe 6 weeks as a newlywed with my husband before the tumor took over. Now I've had two years longer than 98% of his type of brain cancer patients have had with their spouses; I think of that every day.

I don't feel respected, and I don't feel loved. Rationally, I am aware, it is his brain.

But I'm not an android. Even with Asperger's I feel. I hurt.

I wish there was some kind of "happy" we could both enjoy. There does not seem to be much of it lately.

If this is his last Christmas (I can always hope it is not, but the numbers are killjoys), I want it to be a good one, a happy one. I want him to have things to make him smile, to feel joy for. Something to encourage him to just keep living.

At the same time, for me, it hurts so much to know this might be his last Christmas, he can and will treat me however, and I have to just deal with it somehow.

I wonder if it's too much to ask for both of us to be happy.