I know it is 90% cancer/tumor/medicine shit, and maybe 10% his old personality, but I hate it all the same.
I get so sad and frustrated trying to anticipate what will set off his ADD like symptoms; he literally can not multi-task. I as a person, as a wife, even as a caregiver always lose out. I get pushed back to second place or further and forgotten.
I lament and I mourn I had perhaps 4 maybe 6 weeks as a newlywed with my husband before the tumor took over. Now I've had two years longer than 98% of his type of brain cancer patients have had with their spouses; I think of that every day.
I don't feel respected, and I don't feel loved. Rationally, I am aware, it is his brain.
But I'm not an android. Even with Asperger's I feel. I hurt.
I wish there was some kind of "happy" we could both enjoy. There does not seem to be much of it lately.
If this is his last Christmas (I can always hope it is not, but the numbers are killjoys), I want it to be a good one, a happy one. I want him to have things to make him smile, to feel joy for. Something to encourage him to just keep living.
At the same time, for me, it hurts so much to know this might be his last Christmas, he can and will treat me however, and I have to just deal with it somehow.
I wonder if it's too much to ask for both of us to be happy.