½‚ Well, as of Wed or Thurs this week I will no longer be a temp contractor but a full time employee with benefits! Signed my contract today. I suppose wor

½‚ king 50 hour weeks helped but I think my work is valued over there. Go me. Career Woman here.

Mandatory Overtime.

At least I am keeping busy. Update to come soon.

Episode 27: A New Hope

So... all of time and space, everything that ever happened or ever will - where do you want to start?

Happy Birthday, Tashi.

One year of being The Girl Who Waits, gone. Onto the next.

Someday, to join your TimeLord.

5 Days

Tonight I am looking at photos.

Of Before.

Of us smiling.

How handsome he was, and how full of hope and innocence we were.

I can't really recognize that girl. It is like looking at someone related to me, but generations removed.

I have the video from the first birthday of mine we spent together. 5 years ago.

We went to a State park and had a pic-nik. Salads and sparking sodas, ginger beer. Fruits.

Big blankets we used to spread out under the canopy of trees. Tee shirts and shorts weather. Kisses. 

He gave me the first season of Burn Notice on DVD and a card I still have.

We took a nap together until it was time to drive home. I believe it was a Sunday and I was working the next day.

We had been engaged 3 months then. Only a few people knew. We had decided to tell our families at the holidays in November.

I laughed so much that day.

I went so many years of my life with terrible birthdays. I even just stopped celebrating at one point.

But he gave me such a happy one that day.

My handsome man. My beautiful boy. My future. I could tell him anything and he still said, "I love you, darlin'. I'm not running."

I felt safe. I felt strong. I felt like I was balanced and truly loved and completely, unconditionally accepted.

I felt that anything was possible. Every good thought I had never dared to let myself contemplate was suddenly perhaps obtainable. 

Anything and Everything was possible.

He was my TimeLord that day. He made time stop. In that afternoon he gave me an eternity of joy, happiness, and love. Not just the tv show.

He helped me forget the stress of moving twice in two months. The hardness of some days only seeing him after his classes ended and coming to bed. 

That day was autumn air and sun, and the shadows of the trees moving in the wind.

That day was ours. 

That day was mine. 

That day was his gift. A love token. A foretelling of the good before the world crashed and stopped and burned. 

That last happy birthday I ever had.

The last one without the shadow of death. Just the trees.

The last one I did not wonder if I would be sharing my next year with him.

Just those long and everlasting happy hours.

That is what I mourn over. That is what comes to mind with the tears. That is the warmth I want when all I can think is the cold terror of the next birthday. Where it was unknown if he would live to see the next day. When everything odd and disturbing clicked together with his illness but in a horrid realization of how close to losing him I was. That long, long birthday night of forms, scans, doctors whispering, and for the first time seeing the tumor that had grown in his brain, and was going to eventually kill him.

That day, I longed for something simple like a DVD set. That day I wanted the trees and nap together, not the sounds of the Neuro ICU.

I think I would go back to that day, if I could. I would spend forever there, with him. 

Just us and the laughter and hope. The happiness. The wind. The silence. Being the only two people around in that wilderness that day.

He gave me that happy day. What I never thought possible. 

What seems lifetimes ago.

Maybe someday, this Girl Who Waits will see that magic blue box. I will know where to go. When to go. 

All of Time and Space... yes, I know when.

I will hear his voice whisper back to me, "As you wish. My darlin'. As you wish."

Heart Dump

I am just having a real shitty day. I was able to mostly keep everything in check at work and I skipped a break just so I could stay distracted with paperwork but I am just feeling so gorram sad right now. And guilty. And sad. And lonely.

I miss my husband. I miss spending autumn days with him where we would go on walks. Before and after he got sick. I miss baking for someone else. I miss cuddling up to him at night. I miss walking in silence holding his hand. I miss his smell on a jacket he would let me borrow. I miss the changing of the season when he would grow out his beard and it was five different colours all blended on his face.

I miss hearing something besides my own thoughts in this house.

I don't know why I am alive. Why he died. Why he got sick. Why it was brain cancer. Why it wasn't me.

He was a better person in his 28 years than I will be if I live another 50. In 13 months I will have lived longer than he did. 

And my birthday is in two weeks. The day we found out it was brain cancer, and he was dying. 

My heart and my brain hurt so bad.

I just want a hug. I want his arms around me. I want to believe the lie I told him; that everything would be ok. Because it is not. He's gone but I am not. 

I just want him back.

Short & Sweet

Well, I made it through the security and background checks, and got the call last night from my temp agency.
I got the confirmation from HR early this morning.

I go back to work, full-time (albeit as an at-will contractor for now) on Monday.

I am on the road back to financial independence.

I will be helping people in the health-insurance industry.
Yeah, I know. But it is in a good way this time.

I am scared, nervous, and excited.

I want them to want me- to have a long steady job. This place could even help lead to a career- they love to promote from within the company.

I have a commute of about 10 mins on the light rail and another 10 walking from my home to the LR stop. No worries about traffic, or parking for me in this case- which for now I am happy about. A month long metro pass is about the cost of a month of car insurance for me- but no gas, or constant working on my 17 year old (non working right now) SUV.

I am working to get myself to a better place, in a lot of ways.

It is a lot, but I think knowing I am doing good for other people who need help, who need the medical side of their life to be easier, will make me happy(er?).
At the least, for about 9 hours a day I hope to not feel quite so sad, so depressed.


It helps to have goals.




I still miss him. In different ways.
But I am trying hard to expand myself instead of withdrawing from the world. It hurts and it is not easy, but I feel it is something I have to do.

Sorry, friends. My Internet has been down for a bit: I will update when I can find a place with free WiFi and can bring my notebook with me to fill everyone in.

All things go right, I should be working by mid-week! 

Potentials

Well, I have an interview today and another on Friday for some potential temp jobs.

Still waiting to hear back on any others.

I am putting in at least 5 job applications daily now. 

I am trying to stay as positive as I can and hope that something will come of all of this. 

Fingers crossed for me, friends.

Thank you to everyone who is donating, sharing my need, and trying to help me network or connect with a job.

Unknown Emergency

Well, I am quite fucked. 

I have $1200.00 in rent (overdue) and all city and state services cannot help me. The local church and Salvation Army services cannot help me.

I have $132.00 of utilities overdue for this month, and having electricity to keep my fridge running and the AC set to 86F because it is still in the 110sF is also kind of needed.

I have no idea how much longer my Internet will stay on as that is overdue too.

I have been looking for work. Anything. 

I have $2.75 to my name right now. I can't even afford a single ride bus ticket.

I am hoping to hear back on some interviews this week, but I am getting quite depressed about it.

Because Wash is dead and I have no children there seems to be no desire on the State or Federal levels to help me. My family has done all they can/are willing to do.

I have put off seeing the doctor for medication and asthma check up because I cannot afford the $5 co-pay they have set for me.

I have sold things, and I don't have much of anything of value left to sell.

I never got Wash's $200 some odd dollar "death benefits" from Social Security that next of kin is supposed to get. When my grandmother died it took about 6 months for my mum to get the money. It's been 12 months for me.

I have no place to go. No where to take my cats. I am not strong enough emotionally yet to leave this house. Soon, but not *now*.

I don't qualify for unemployment but the State wants to see copies of Wash's death and copies of his medical files anyway to back up that I "chose" to leave my paying work in 2010. Which, I did, but since the State then had tried more than once to cancel his health insurance if I kept working-and making around $400/month at the time (not enough to cover living, and chemo, and food) it was not really a "choice". It was become poverty stricken and get medical help for him, or let him die from cancer right then.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't know who to ask for help anymore. 

There was no life insurance to take care of me. There were no benefits to help me get through my desire to die after he was gone. Those feelings are certainly surfacing again.

At this time, I am feeling pretty hopeless.

I will be filing for bankruptcy soon, but even that will not help me now.

Aside from my cats, I have lost everything. 

Despair is a pretty accurate word.

So often now I just wonder if it would not have been better if I had been allowed to die with him. 

I wish.

Visual Memories

Oh, Sweetie- Spoilers

River: Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you—the real you, the future you, I mean—you turned up on my doorstep with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Derillium. To see the Singing Towers. Oh, what a night that was. The towers sang, and you cried. You wouldn't tell me why but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue. There's nothing you can do.

The Doctor: Let me do this!

River: If you die here it'll mean I've never met you.

The Doctor: Time can be rewritten!

River: Not those times, not one line. Don't you dare! It's okay. It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me. Time and space. You watch us run!

The Doctor: River you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one way I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could.

River: Hush now. Spoilers.




I am watching Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead and thinking of just how ironic that story line truly is to me.
Those were the first episodes of the new Who reboot I ever saw. Shortly before we got engaged. Wash begged me to try the show, knowing I loved the classic Doctor from before.
I fell for Donna and her frustrations at dieting in a virtual world.
I fell for River as a strong and not helpless female character.
I fell for The Doctor, for his dedication and tenacity. 

I had already fallen for my love, my Wash, my TimeLord. 

I miss you, Sweetie. 

Complications

I have a lot to say but it is taking me some time to really process everything and get my thoughts into a reasonable verbal sense.

I am tired of being reduced to just "someone who is depressed".

Yes, I have Depression. I have had it for a bit over a decade now. Yes, my biological Depression certainly plays a part in how I live, how I process things, how I feel.

But losing a spouse is much much more than that. This is not something that finding the "right" type of medication, or exercise, or getting a roommate can change.

This is me dealing with losing everything I loved. Dealing with the loss of my best friend, my husband, my future children, my future homes, dealing with the death of how I should have been spending my life.
This is coping with not wanting to wake up each day, because I do so in a empty bed that used to be warmed by another person. A specific person.

Do I believe that I can find another friend? Of course, eventually.
But it is not the same as my best friend; the person I could talk to without ever saying a word. The person who taught me as much as I taught him. Who shared my hobbies, my loves, my dislikes.

His presence is still all around. It is something I cannot escape. I cannot run from this, or hide. Sleep gives me no real reprieve, as I see him there too.

I wish it was easier to help people understand this pain I am going through, the depths and the unceasing of it, but at the same time I wish this pain on no one. No one.

How to put into words the emotions of feeling left behind? Of knowing a whole long life is no longer something that makes me happy, in fact, the idea of living another 6 decades or so is so burdensome as to render me speechless and immobile?
How to convey that the pain never goes away?

Let me repeat; the pain never, ever goes away. 

Time does not heal this wound. Time does not give me scar tissue, or protection. It merely lengthens the amount of pain I live through in every second, minute, hour, day, week, months.
It never ends.
An ocean of madness and sadness and despair.

I am just getting better at acting. At pretending. At hiding my feelings because the people around me themselves grow tired of hearing of the pain.


I just want to wake up from this pain, misery.

Haunted

One year ago this was the last night I had with Wash, in our bed together. I can't even remember if I left for the guest bed after he fell asleep.
Sunday the 9th was his last day as a person, his last day conscious and talking. 
The last day he saw his friends. The last time we all watched Dr Who together. His last meals. The last time he cuddled his cat. It was the last daylight he was aware of. 
Everything hurts so much right now. It did not hit me when it happened. I feel his loss, but I now also feel mine; I feel the utter expanse of time I have to now face without him. Missing my best friend and my happy future. 
I just want to numb myself any way I can. I want to not wake up. It overwhelms me and dulls until the next second it just starts up again. 
I don't want to be real. I want to be just a character in a story. A happy ending. A way to defy the laws of non-fiction. A way to just not exist when the story ends, disappear when the book closes. 
I want this to all have been a bad dream, some terrible nightmare and when I wake he will be next to me and there will be possibilities again. 
It seems endless. Time does not help my heart, it only quiets my tongue. 
Half of my soul has been gone a year. It's not coming back. Endless pain.

Shalom

Last sunset in Tzfat. 

Tzfat Journal 3 July

So, last night (Tues) we had a lovely dinner of salad, hamburgers (I of course did not partake) and something else I cannot even remember. I was pretty tired from the good but heavy classes. There are now 4 of us learning to read/write/speak Hebrew, so the Yeshiva style class is getting more intense, but at the same time helping me to better my understanding of the language here. 
Our last class of the night was a Farbregen where we spent the first two hours discussing the meaning of this week's double Parsha (the readings that happen weekly on Shabbos) about Journey and 'Stick/Solidity' and how they can relate to each other, and to us from a character perspective. After the lively discussion there was some singing and lots of dessert/foods: 3 types of melon (watermelon, cantaloupe, and a yellow fleshed melon that had an almost sour taste, but was very rich) chocolate biscuits, more peanut butter macaroons, grapes, cinnamon sugar bread, and a challah type bread with peas and corn baked into it! Also a bread similar to pain au chocolat, but served cold. Thinly sliced but not made with philo dough. Plenty of it. It was delicious and different from rugeleh. 
I managed to get to bed at an actual decent hour last night; I was in bed by 11:30 and asleep just after midnight. I did wake up at 4am with a horrid headache, but I might have just been dehydrated from the exercise and hiking on Tues. I slept in today a bit, and ended up getting about 7 hours of sleep, at least a small consolation. It was fairly cold last night, but mostly due to the winds. I can see the low clouds and fog rolling in over the hills around sunset and it is still amazing to me. I think I have been in our dry desert too long! The water is mostly from the Galilee Sea, as best as I can tell. They say there is not much *rain* here, but it is to a degree humid and moist in the air. My skin is already freaking out over that. It is used to a very arid location.
Wed I tried some new things for breakfast: they always have tomatoes, cucumbers (the Israeli/Arab kind that are small but you can eat the skins.) Also eggs and oatmeal. Today I added on my plate some of the goat's milk soft cheese they have that is spread on rice-toast, and a drop of jam on top. It is not as sour as it smelled, but not really close to our cream or cottage cheese. Somewhere in the middle of those perhaps. 
Our first class today was on the role of women in Judaism, how important we (women) are, and what Mitzvahs are unique that only women can perform. It was a lively discussion and next class there we will be speaking on why there are misconceptions that women are 'not equals' in Judaism. The teacher is a woman and seems to be a very cool feminist. There are also mitzvots that are not *required* of women, but they can do if they please; for example, putting on Tfillin. The teacher said there were about 14 total, but we will go over them in the next week's class. It was an interesting take on things that I really did not know, but is utterly fascinating to me. It is a different way to look at being "empowered" in this religious setting/culture. 
My next class was on the specifics of how women have certain responsibilities in the Jewish world and home, and today specifically on Shabbos and lighting the candles. There was also mention (not in too much detail) about how women are technically seen as above/more spiritual than the men, thus why women's mitzvot carry more "weight". The men have to *work* to reach the level women are already at. Next class we will go over some issues of 'modesty' which is far more than just clothes. I am interested in hearing about that topic. I believe there is also a "Tznius" (Modesty) code for men, but I will have to ask about it in class. There is a distinct 'separation' of the genders here and I am still to a degree getting used to this. Some things here are just *not* equal, and it takes a lot for me to really process that; I am still working on finding a way to accept it when I am here as more than just a concession to the culture. Having so many men in my life being such influences on me (and many doing "women's work") has perhaps given me a different perspective on things than for example someone here who was raised in an Orthodox environment, and grew up accepting all the cultural gender norms, as it were. 

 I also had a class by a nice Rabbi on the importance of health and activity in Jewish life, and how we need to start to try to always think in a positive way, even under negative circumstances. Obviously mostly easier said than done. However, there were some nice readings to go along with the lesson that help to frame the mind and specific thoughts, and speaking of taking care of the body we have; while not getting obsessed with our physical looks or needs. There is a balance everyone needs to find, and it is different for each person.
One of the things I have noticed and really enjoy is that so far all the teachers; the Rabbis and the females tend to use both genders when reading or quoting from sources; such as "our forefathers & mothers" or the "Patriarch and Matriarch"  and will insert a "she" after "he" when reading from the Mishna, Torah, or Siddur. I am quite impressed with that. In our Tanya class yesterday we ended up getting into a bit of astrophysics and discussions, which just made me so so so so happy. I have another Tanya class this afternoon, and then a voluntary class tonight after dinner that I can attend down the street at the synagogue by one of the boy's Yeshiva schools. We also have after dinner our last class is an open Q & A with the head (elder) Rabbi here. I am not sure if I have anything to ask, but I know it will be interesting to listen. 

Also, the fruit market across the street is amazing and for about $0.25USD I can get a serving of just about any fruit in season. They also have a large selection of dried fruits and local nuts. Plenty of good things for my brain and body.
I have offered to help bake challah tomorrow with one of the Rabbi's wives, as we are all going in small groups to different local homes for Fri Shabbos, so we will be bringing or baking some bread for the school here for Sat eating. 
I miss everyone, but am less homesick specifically, as I am getting the schedule down and it is starting to feel like a nice routine, which I tend to thrive with. 
No real photos to share today, but if I get the chance, I am going to try and time it so I can go up on the roof at sundown and get some photos.  
I am enjoying myself here on many levels, and learning so much. I am also getting a bit of time to be able to just think without many distractions, which is a welcome change. I am really only regretting not taking with me more photographs of Wash, however, as I am missing him so acutely and being able to be near "him" and our home. 
I believe we have a slight chance of rain here this weekend, and if we do I will of course share as much as I can with you all. 

It has been a most interesting almost full first week here, and I am trying so hard to just do as much as I can, see as much as I can, and try all sorts of new things. I want to come back from this time here with something more tangible than just memories, a way to help my own self, and to really be able to hold onto some positive internal changes. I think I am on my way to doing just that. 

Pandora

I quite dislike how monitary woes can bother me while I am trying to learn and grow and focus on myself. 

Also disliking that I have to battle my utility company when I return home, and that I have no idea how to pay rent, phone, or Internet when I return. All things I will need for job searching. Even affording a bus pass right now is beyond my means. 

I am trying to not worry, but failing. 

I just want a break from this constant stress I have been dealing with the last 4 years. 

I am not "starting over" I am thrown back and have to find my way, uphill, in the dark, through thickets just to get to A starting point; a new one. Because I will never be able to be "over" my husband, and I never should have to- or be told to. I am having to change my ENTIRE life, still dealing with the literal and figurative baggage of Wash. 

I want to get to a healthy place. I want routine and structure. I want to share our story, my story, his; with everyone I can. 

I am sick of being thought of as an "invisible" widow due to my age, or the children we tried for and could not have, or the length of my marriage (which should not be ANY factor at all, but apparently is). I am tired of being told that I am "still young". I am all too aware of my age- in a physical sense and in terms of how much I have *lived* in my life. 

I want peace. I want to truly be (fully) happy again. I want to not think about the horrid debt I am in as what Wash passed along to me. I want to remember the good. 

I want to learn to trust again. I am terrified of that, but I desire it. 

I miss the simple things like hugs, holding hands, sharing a meal- or at least not cooking for one. 

I want comfort. 

I want Security; even if that alone comes solely from my own self. 

It is hard work, this; Widowhood. 

It is hard, hard, and often sad work. 

I want to smile again and mean it, often.

I am starting to get some of that here, in Tzfat. I will have to deal with the rest when I return to my other desert home. 

I am thankful for the love and strength he gave to me, and every day for the friends and caring ones who support(ed) us, and my own self. 

I dream about the day I will wake up happy again. I have to Hope it will come at some point. I have nothing else but Hope. 

I am Pandora, clinging to the last bit in the Box. 

Tzfat Journal 2July

So, Monday we had a great class on the Tanya in the afternoon which was intense, but really challenging in a good way. Dinner was light, but good: salads with potatoes (sweet potatoes boiled in an oil based pepper sauce) and chicken. I went out after out last class of the night which was an impromptu class on balancing the good and bad intentions and urges we all have to become closer to G-D. I went walking first with another girl, and we did a circuit of the whole top of Tzfat, then I came back and reviewed notes with two of the other girls. We discussed some things from the weeks before I got here, so I learned a bit more background. After that I went out with 3 other girls and we hit the "foods street" and had some pizza (sauce was VERY sweet, but the cheese was soooo good) and just talked. I learned a lot about some of my classmates, and I had a good time opening up about my own past. We then stopped to get some ice cream (Parve for everyone not me, because I did not eat meat, so no need to wait on dairy!) and I tried a few flavours-all good- but settled on "Israeli Coffee" which was a mix of espresso and cardamom.
We did another long walk to help digest and burn some calories and ended up checking out a little store (pretty much like a tiny Circle K) down the block. Ran into some really... pushy/flirty Israeli guys, but thankfully we just stayed in the store until they left. Nothing to worry about.
I ended up back at MA a bit after midnight, and only read until 2am or so. An early night for me!
Today (Tues) we were supposed to leave for a local tour at 9am, but our guide was running late. So, we ended up actually heading out after 10. We stopped by the grave of Rab. Y. Ben-Cairo and stayed to pray there. It was a moving experience for me. It was unlike any other meditation I have ever had; I felt so still and so able to focus my entire mind on just one prayer, one thought of Peace, and I felt so quiet on the inside. I hope to repeat this again before I leave. From there we went up a local mountain (really just a bit further up than the main city of Tzfat) to Yavnit Mount. It was like being in Northern Arizona. Pine forests. The smells up there were just so wonderful and clear. There were flowers blooming, and birds, and so many butterflies today! We took a long hike up to a few different vantage points and were able to see the valley below Tzfat, the hill that borders the Sea of Galilee, and the hazy south part of the Golan Heights where the Israel border ends. Further on the walk we were able to see into Syria, a portion of Lebanon, and just past a bit of mountain; Jordan.
We ended by visiting the graves of two local Tzaddeken who are buried in a cave more than 2800 years old. There is still a portion of the retaining wall left up from the Roman invasion in 70-74CE. (I have plenty of photos I will send along, do not worry.) The cave was not terrible deep or long, but very cool temperature wise, and was lightly maintained by the Israeli Antiquities Department. It was a truly hard to describe event. Standing in a place that people had visited to pray at for almost 3000 years. Mind blowing.
We also saw the border guards' station (in front of the retaining wall are the IDF barracks) which has been a defence outpost for almost 2000 years straight. Currently it is managing the "iron dome" which protects the border and border cities like Tzfat from missiles. Our tour guide told us about the bombing going on over the last 20-30 years: including having a SCUD missile land in her backyard! Literally. Blew out parts of the kitchen, left huge holes from shrapnel, and shattered 22 windows and the frames. They had a shelter and her children were all playing in the front yard, so no one got even a scratch. I cannot even imagine the moments of terror that would produce.
The last class before lunch today was on the "Song of Songs" and how even those who have just begun to study are blessed by G-D; it is the fierceness of the heart to learn Torah, not just the actual studying. Pretty interesting. We have another class on the same topic on Thursday.
For lunch today we had grilled eggplant/aubergine with a sweet turnip/potato like vegetable. Also a salad of quinoa and mixed fresh vegetables with a tasty vinegar based dressing. I went across the street and also picked up a plum, nectarine, and mango to munch on for today/tonight. The fruit seller is quite nice and knows all the "girls" at MA and is quick to speak English to those of us not fluent in Hebrew. The foods there are just so varied and amazing; it is like the Farmer's Market across the street from my home! They also have prickly pear cactus pads and fruit, but it is called "paddle cactus" here. No saguaro, of course. The fruits are all in season and grown in the country. I saw a bunch of fields as I was coming in to Tzfat at the end of last week: corn, sunflowers, wheat, and of course, lots and lots of grapes.
Classes this afternoon will be more Torah reading then another Tanya class; which I am really loving so far. The same Rabbi who teaches us Tanya also teaches one night in the evening at a local synagogue, so as far as I know plans are for about 6 of us to go to the "extra" class he teaches on Wed evening. It is very dense material, with so much meaning in every single word, not just the overall sentences and stories, but I find that type of challenge to be something my brain really feels good about thinking on. Then after dinner tonight we have another Farbregin (Jewish joke- we will Far-Bring-It-On!) which will go from about 8pm to perhaps midnight or even later. I will likely call it an early night though and try to get a bit more rest after doing so much physical work in the last day and so.

I am sleeping very well, and I have 3 or more girls who are all taking turns to help me learn to read and speak Hebrew. I plan to go down to a store tomorrow on my break and get some "kid" workbooks to help me practice. The food is good, and I am trying to eat something new/different each day, and saying "yes" to one new thing each day too. I am often getting out of my comfort zone, but that was a reason why I came. I might be scared or nervous, but I am here to do and learn and experience as much as I can in the time I have here. I am getting more used to the schedule, which means it feels like the days are starting to pass a bit faster. I am not sure yet if this is a good or bad or neutral thing.

I will be sending along photos from the hike today, and when I am back I will go over them all in detail. I also took a short "panorama" movie today too; the view was just too beautiful to leave to still photographs alone.

Tzfat Journal ent. 1

Alright, so my first Monday here! Second full day of school/classes.
There was a farbregen (celebration) for a girl who has a birthday last night and they started around 9pm laughing and singing and eating and finished around 3am. I went to bed early, as I do not like long jet-lags. I could hear the other girls singing outside my window as I fell asleep though and it was so beautiful.
It has been chilly enough at night here with a good wind that I have a light comforter I sleep with. During the day we just keep the windows open for most of the classes; only one room in part of the newer building actually has A/C. But, for the large part it is not needed. The highs are only barely 90sF, and the lows hit the lower 70sF. There is usually a breeze coming in from the mountains around Galilee which also keeps the city cooler. I did see a lot of stars coming in a night when I arrived. Seems not much light pollution here. I hope to have a chance to really star-gaze later on.
Food has been good; keeping Kosher and vegetarian is really not at all a problem here and there is plenty for me to eat. We have hard boiled eggs , tomatoes, cucumbers, bread, cereal, lebni (like a thick sour yoghurt) and oatmeal that we can choose from for our breakfasts. Lunch is usually some kind of salad or plates of mixed vegetables, there is usually a fish based dish to the side (today was tuna) and something that was pickled. Cucumbers, beets, cabbage... I am trying to try one new food or dish per day. Dinners are filling and there is a large salad, some meat dish, fresh bread from a bakery down the street, eggs or a cooked bean dish, and there is never enough hummus. (Truth. Never enough hummus. It is just too good.) Some days we also have a soup dish. Usually carrot based. Dessert has been copious: fresh melons and other local fruits- delicious beyond mention (grapes, mangoes, plums, pears...). There are some Israeli sweets, candies. A sweet-bread of some kind (like a softer ruggeleh), salted baked crunchy pita... so much good food. The wine as well is just amazing. It is all made in Israel, some of it close by to Tzfat (in the Golan region), some closer to the South. There are pomegranates growing next door, and the garden here has squash and melons growing, grapes, and we have at least 3 fruiting olive trees on property. I have been told two of the olive trees in the front are at LEAST 2000 years old, as dated by an expert. The trunks are more than a metre in dia. and have an ancient look to them, while still growing leaves and fruiting.
Classes today covered our weekly Parsha; which is two this week actually. My Hebrew lessons are continuing and I'm starting to recognize a few short words outside of just the Aleph-bet. Since I am in the 'lower' classes (for people who have not studied much before, or have not gone to a Seminary before, or do not speak/read Hebrew fluently) I had lessons this morning on Halachic laws- today we went over some of the most common issues that come up on Shabbos that are not halal (proper). Next week we will go over cooking rules (called Kashrut). We had some history of Israel today too, mostly discussing the 15th Century BCE and the movement of the Western European Jews from the expulsion during the Inquisition (both of Spain and Portugal) migrating to Israel. Some of the lessons next week will also focus on the local geography. We are to study the geography of Israel from the Torah days and the current. These are real tough classes; I am taking pages and pages of notes for each class. I have one notebook but I will likely need two or three more before I complete my term here. I am not upset about this; I really enjoy a challenge mentally and these classes so far seem like they will challenge, in a good way.
Since it is the Yardheitz (death anniversary) of a Tzaddik (Rabbi or very respect person) today we have a field trip up to his grave at a local cemetery, and dinner in his honour tonight. I think my student/tutor class this afternoon will be on the Tanya, unless I can convince someone to study Hebrew again with me. We have more Tanya classes per week than any others, so I am guessing there will be a lot of material to cover, or else it is dense. Either way, I am excited and hope that it becomes something I enjoy.
I am sleeping well, eating well, and wake up early enough to have plenty of hot water for my shower. (I have a small WC in-suite with a built in shower.) Laundry however, is 10NIS per load, which means for now I am doing most of my gentle washing in a bucket in my bathroom. I am ok with this; Boy Scout Camp was much "rougher"!  
  I know it is hot back in Phx, but I am so glad I am not there! I will try not to rub it in too much.
The library is large and wonderful; both in English and Hebrew. I still need to try a little harder to socialize with the other girls. I am still bad at that and most of the time just don't know what to say or contribute. But, I still have time to work on this. There are a couple girls who seem to be making an effort to get to know me, so I am going to try to open up and gain some friends.
From the roof I can see so much of the city, and the architecture is a mixture of hundreds of years old buildings and homes, and new additions from this century. We ended this past Shabbos up on the roof, watching the sun set behind the mountains. I need to try and find the time to come back up and take photos of this to share; it is a breathtaking sight, truly. The stained glass here is incredible and I hope I have time to find and ask a tour guide locally about it. The doors here, many of them are painted blue, which has significance, but I am not sure yet of what. I can ask though, and I plan to. I think it is related in some way to Kaballah. There are a few main paved roads, but most of it is made of small cobble-stoned streets or stairs; plenty of room for a bicycle, people walking, or a horse, but not so much cars. I rarely hear traffic even though we are on a paved street in front. However, I find it amusing that drivers here communicate by honking. Often and loudly, but since there is such little traffic it does not disturb me that much.
The "Artist's" section of town was fun to wander through. We did a walking tour through it on Friday before Shabbos. Some of the things are just breathtaking; there are watercolours here, silversmiths, jewellers, and many local craftsmen. I have seen such beautiful carved or smithied meuzzehs I want to take them all home! I will fill in on this past (first) Shabbos experience soon.


I am trying hard to focus on myself, and personal growth here and not just mope about missing Wash, or the kitties, or my "safety" and known life back home. Which is hard, but needed. Mentally and rationally I know I need this to grow, to adapt, to let myself find the "me" that exists without him, but emotionally, I do wish he was around so I could share this with him, tell him about the buildings here, show off the architecture and what I am learning in classes- everything one would share with their best friend and partner. So, it is a hard adjustment to know I lack that. But, I am working on it.
Love and Peace from the Holy Land!

Brumhilde

I am having a hard time right now. I miss Wash so badly. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend, having someone to talk to who really cared about me. I miss being able to share everything that is going on with him, or share in the expierience. I spent most of today just crying, which sucks in a total fast (Tisha B'av no food or drink for 25 hours. Even water) because my sunburn from this weekend left me dehydrated. I prayed at the Wall a bit longer than my fair skin could take it seems. I am still blistered on my neck and shoulders and back. And I was wearing 3 layers of clothing! 

I will be back there this weekend too it seems, the whole class is doing a Shabbaton for the weekend. 

Things like that I miss being able to tell him about. I miss his comfort. His hugs. It has been 13 months since the very last time he initiated a kiss with me. Longer still since he last had romantic intent. 

It seems like yesterday and forever. My own wibbly wobbly take on time, it seems. It just feels surreal and so WRONG that he is gone. That I am here. That we are not together, and will not be again. This is the painful part of widowhood, not just the emptiness at night, but not having a friend to talk to. No one here knew who he was. Good and bad, that. 

I even miss Gaius-Wash. 

I miss his smell. His hands. His ears, and the colours of his beard. All gone. My Love, gone. 

I dislike mourning around people who have never had loss like this. I am happy for them, but at the same time, it is hard to relate to anyone. 

I miss hearing him say my name. 

I miss not feeling so entirely alone. 

Bottom line, Hope or no, I am alone. 

Zoe without her Washburne. 

Photo journaling: The Kotel

Shabbat Shalom

This time tomorrow I will be in Jerusalem. G-D willing I will be praying at the Kotel (Western Wall) before Shabbos sundown.  I am still amazed and happy. 

Looks like I will be in Jerusalem this Shabbos weekend. My plan is to go and pray at the Kotel. I am just beyond words at the thought. 

I am amazed every day here how (mostly) happy I am. I have not had this many good emotions inside me since long before Wash passed away. 

Photo journaling

Photos from the roof of the dorms overlooking the city and average lunch. Day photos overlooking the lower edge of Tzfat and fault line. Also photos from Mt Yavnit overlooking North Israel, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and the lower Golan. Evening sunset also taken from roof. A burial cave site about 1900 years old.