I have a lot to say but it is taking me some time to really process everything and get my thoughts into a reasonable verbal sense.
I am tired of being reduced to just "someone who is depressed".
Yes, I have Depression. I have had it for a bit over a decade now. Yes, my biological Depression certainly plays a part in how I live, how I process things, how I feel.
But losing a spouse is much much more than that. This is not something that finding the "right" type of medication, or exercise, or getting a roommate can change.
This is me dealing with losing everything I loved. Dealing with the loss of my best friend, my husband, my future children, my future homes, dealing with the death of how I should have been spending my life.
This is coping with not wanting to wake up each day, because I do so in a empty bed that used to be warmed by another person. A specific person.
Do I believe that I can find another friend? Of course, eventually.
But it is not the same as my best friend; the person I could talk to without ever saying a word. The person who taught me as much as I taught him. Who shared my hobbies, my loves, my dislikes.
His presence is still all around. It is something I cannot escape. I cannot run from this, or hide. Sleep gives me no real reprieve, as I see him there too.
I wish it was easier to help people understand this pain I am going through, the depths and the unceasing of it, but at the same time I wish this pain on no one. No one.
How to put into words the emotions of feeling left behind? Of knowing a whole long life is no longer something that makes me happy, in fact, the idea of living another 6 decades or so is so burdensome as to render me speechless and immobile?
How to convey that the pain never goes away?
Let me repeat; the pain never, ever goes away.
Time does not heal this wound. Time does not give me scar tissue, or protection. It merely lengthens the amount of pain I live through in every second, minute, hour, day, week, months.
It never ends.
An ocean of madness and sadness and despair.
I am just getting better at acting. At pretending. At hiding my feelings because the people around me themselves grow tired of hearing of the pain.
I just want to wake up from this pain, misery.