Also disliking that I have to battle my utility company when I return home, and that I have no idea how to pay rent, phone, or Internet when I return. All things I will need for job searching. Even affording a bus pass right now is beyond my means.
I am trying to not worry, but failing.
I just want a break from this constant stress I have been dealing with the last 4 years.
I am not "starting over" I am thrown back and have to find my way, uphill, in the dark, through thickets just to get to A starting point; a new one. Because I will never be able to be "over" my husband, and I never should have to- or be told to. I am having to change my ENTIRE life, still dealing with the literal and figurative baggage of Wash.
I want to get to a healthy place. I want routine and structure. I want to share our story, my story, his; with everyone I can.
I am sick of being thought of as an "invisible" widow due to my age, or the children we tried for and could not have, or the length of my marriage (which should not be ANY factor at all, but apparently is). I am tired of being told that I am "still young". I am all too aware of my age- in a physical sense and in terms of how much I have *lived* in my life.
I want peace. I want to truly be (fully) happy again. I want to not think about the horrid debt I am in as what Wash passed along to me. I want to remember the good.
I want to learn to trust again. I am terrified of that, but I desire it.
I miss the simple things like hugs, holding hands, sharing a meal- or at least not cooking for one.
I want comfort.
I want Security; even if that alone comes solely from my own self.
It is hard work, this; Widowhood.
It is hard, hard, and often sad work.
I want to smile again and mean it, often.
I am starting to get some of that here, in Tzfat. I will have to deal with the rest when I return to my other desert home.
I am thankful for the love and strength he gave to me, and every day for the friends and caring ones who support(ed) us, and my own self.
I dream about the day I will wake up happy again. I have to Hope it will come at some point. I have nothing else but Hope.
I am Pandora, clinging to the last bit in the Box.