Tuesday, July 16, 2013


I am having a hard time right now. I miss Wash so badly. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend, having someone to talk to who really cared about me. I miss being able to share everything that is going on with him, or share in the expierience. I spent most of today just crying, which sucks in a total fast (Tisha B'av no food or drink for 25 hours. Even water) because my sunburn from this weekend left me dehydrated. I prayed at the Wall a bit longer than my fair skin could take it seems. I am still blistered on my neck and shoulders and back. And I was wearing 3 layers of clothing! 
I will be back there this weekend too it seems, the whole class is doing a Shabbaton for the weekend. 
Things like that I miss being able to tell him about. I miss his comfort. His hugs. It has been 13 months since the very last time he initiated a kiss with me. Longer still since he last had romantic intent. 
It seems like yesterday and forever. My own wibbly wobbly take on time, it seems. It just feels surreal and so WRONG that he is gone. That I am here. That we are not together, and will not be again. This is the painful part of widowhood, not just the emptiness at night, but not having a friend to talk to. No one here knew who he was. Good and bad, that. 

I even miss Gaius-Wash. 
I miss his smell. His hands. His ears, and the colours of his beard. All gone. My Love, gone. 

I dislike mourning around people who have never had loss like this. I am happy for them, but at the same time, it is hard to relate to anyone. 
I miss hearing him say my name. 

I miss not feeling so entirely alone. 
Bottom line, Hope or no, I am alone. 
Zoe without her Washburne. 

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