Monday, October 14, 2013

Heart Dump


I am just having a real shitty day. I was able to mostly keep everything in check at work and I skipped a break just so I could stay distracted with paperwork but I am just feeling so gorram sad right now. And guilty. And sad. And lonely.

I miss my husband. I miss spending autumn days with him where we would go on walks. Before and after he got sick. I miss baking for someone else. I miss cuddling up to him at night. I miss walking in silence holding his hand. I miss his smell on a jacket he would let me borrow. I miss the changing of the season when he would grow out his beard and it was five different colours all blended on his face.
I miss hearing something besides my own thoughts in this house.
I don't know why I am alive. Why he died. Why he got sick. Why it was brain cancer. Why it wasn't me.
He was a better person in his 28 years than I will be if I live another 50. In 13 months I will have lived longer than he did. 
And my birthday is in two weeks. The day we found out it was brain cancer, and he was dying. 
My heart and my brain hurt so bad.
I just want a hug. I want his arms around me. I want to believe the lie I told him; that everything would be ok. Because it is not. He's gone but I am not. 
I just want him back.

5 comments:

  1. {{{Hugs}}}

    Let go of the guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for. You did the best you could every step of the journey.

    The rest...missing Wash, feeling sad, missing him, missing the things that were special to you both, feeling the turn of the seasons and the loss of sharing that with him; the load of that is heavy enough without adding the guilt to it; all the rest is so natural and normal, and so okay.

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  2. Oh Sweet Pea, if only wishes were what it took to bring them back to us. My tears fall in solidarity with yours for that which we have lost and will never regain.

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    Emily

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