Unknown Emergency

Well, I am quite fucked. 

I have $1200.00 in rent (overdue) and all city and state services cannot help me. The local church and Salvation Army services cannot help me.

I have $132.00 of utilities overdue for this month, and having electricity to keep my fridge running and the AC set to 86F because it is still in the 110sF is also kind of needed.

I have no idea how much longer my Internet will stay on as that is overdue too.

I have been looking for work. Anything. 

I have $2.75 to my name right now. I can't even afford a single ride bus ticket.

I am hoping to hear back on some interviews this week, but I am getting quite depressed about it.

Because Wash is dead and I have no children there seems to be no desire on the State or Federal levels to help me. My family has done all they can/are willing to do.

I have put off seeing the doctor for medication and asthma check up because I cannot afford the $5 co-pay they have set for me.

I have sold things, and I don't have much of anything of value left to sell.

I never got Wash's $200 some odd dollar "death benefits" from Social Security that next of kin is supposed to get. When my grandmother died it took about 6 months for my mum to get the money. It's been 12 months for me.

I have no place to go. No where to take my cats. I am not strong enough emotionally yet to leave this house. Soon, but not *now*.

I don't qualify for unemployment but the State wants to see copies of Wash's death and copies of his medical files anyway to back up that I "chose" to leave my paying work in 2010. Which, I did, but since the State then had tried more than once to cancel his health insurance if I kept working-and making around $400/month at the time (not enough to cover living, and chemo, and food) it was not really a "choice". It was become poverty stricken and get medical help for him, or let him die from cancer right then.

I really don't know what to do.

I don't know who to ask for help anymore. 

There was no life insurance to take care of me. There were no benefits to help me get through my desire to die after he was gone. Those feelings are certainly surfacing again.

At this time, I am feeling pretty hopeless.

I will be filing for bankruptcy soon, but even that will not help me now.

Aside from my cats, I have lost everything. 

Despair is a pretty accurate word.

So often now I just wonder if it would not have been better if I had been allowed to die with him. 

I wish.