Haunted

One year ago this was the last night I had with Wash, in our bed together. I can't even remember if I left for the guest bed after he fell asleep.
Sunday the 9th was his last day as a person, his last day conscious and talking. 
The last day he saw his friends. The last time we all watched Dr Who together. His last meals. The last time he cuddled his cat. It was the last daylight he was aware of. 
Everything hurts so much right now. It did not hit me when it happened. I feel his loss, but I now also feel mine; I feel the utter expanse of time I have to now face without him. Missing my best friend and my happy future. 
I just want to numb myself any way I can. I want to not wake up. It overwhelms me and dulls until the next second it just starts up again. 
I don't want to be real. I want to be just a character in a story. A happy ending. A way to defy the laws of non-fiction. A way to just not exist when the story ends, disappear when the book closes. 
I want this to all have been a bad dream, some terrible nightmare and when I wake he will be next to me and there will be possibilities again. 
It seems endless. Time does not help my heart, it only quiets my tongue. 
Half of my soul has been gone a year. It's not coming back. Endless pain.