Sunday, May 27, 2012

Where do we go from here? Kumbayaya Remix

Friday was a long day. Lots of shit from Wash, and very very little sleep for me.

Then he woke me up every 2 hours.
I made some desperate calls and my mum agreed to watch Wash for the day so I could rest. He did not fully understand that, so for the first while was just angry at me that I was "abandoning" him again.
He came home after 8 hours away and right as soon as my mum left, began to be nasty to me again.
I had gotten one good nap in and a bunch of chores. Not in the best mood to deal with his crap, piling on me.

I called Hospice and let them know what was going on.
After about 2 hours of him being pissed and me doing laundry upstairs, he had some medical cannabis and calmed the frak right down and even apologized.
He went from, "I want to sleep on the couch and even if it's my last night alive I would not change anything!" to "I'm so sorry. Can we please cuddle?"

He's still asleep right now (2 extra hours for him) after passing out after 3am, myself after 4.
I'm expecting the Hospice Nursing team to be here before noon. We'll talk about medication changes and options for Wash to go away to a Hospice Palliative Home for a few days so I really can rest and get some things done around here.

I'm scared. I'm afraid to go another day with the person who wears the skin of the man I love; it's literally a stranger in my husband's body. I'm afraid to go a day without him. I'm scared of him dying away from home, away from me.
I'm scared if he leaves, will he remember me when he comes home? Will he remember home?

Brain cancer is g-dsdamn awful.


  1. Oh honey I am so so sorry. Can they load him up on some ativan or xanax or something so he's not so nasty to you?

    I don't know, but I wish I could help. *hugs*

  2. Even if it might not help, but i am thinking of you guys every week. You are one hell of a lot wife and he is, even if he might not be able to tell it to anyone anymore, one lucky bastard to have you.

  3. It would be hard to send him away for any time like that. I can only imagine. I'd feel the same way though.