I wish I had something more to talk about than brain cancer. Than watching my husband lose himself, his memories, his personality; and am left with a shell. An angry shell.
He's spent the morning calling me a "bitch" under his breath. Not even honestly sure if he was aware he was doing it. He cried, "I miss my wife! I don't know who you are, you're not *my* Tashi." He recognizes me, but I am different. I've physically changed in the last 4 years, and a lot emotionally too. But, he wants Tashi from 2008- and he wants to be the Wash from then too; without cancer.
It's hard and fuck awful.
He said there was more I could have done. "You could have played with me more! All the times I was watching tv with you, you were letting me rot instead of playing with me!!"
Not exactly true. I don't want to play with him, I can't- everything he wanted to do was in terms of "killing" the other person in the game; and even pretend I can't play or RPG when the goal is to "kill" my husband! Before cancer, sure, but post?NO FUCKING WAY.
Also, he's non-responsive! Most of the two years he was chemo sick, too tired to even speak to me let alone play a game or communicate what he wanted to me.
I brought friends in to play with him. He got 1-4 games a week! Just not against me, and I guess to him, that's what counted.
I have played with him. It just gets hard to want to "play" with someone who is acting like a 4 year old when I also have every single responsibility for two full adults to do as well.
He can't see how hard it is on me; mentally, emotionally, and even physically to care for him, to care for my dying husband. To watch the person I should have had 40 more years with die before my eyes, and have his personality and memories stripped away first. He just sees me pulling away and hates me for it.
He doesn't, he can't see that I have to give myself space, I have to let myself start to mourn NOW, or else, there will be no reason for me to stay alive when he dies.