I wish I had something more to talk about than brain cancer. Than watching my husband lose himself, his memories, his personality; and am left with a shell. An angry shell.
He's spent the morning calling me a "bitch" under his breath. Not even honestly sure if he was aware he was doing it. He cried, "I miss my wife! I don't know who you are, you're not *my* Tashi." He recognizes me, but I am different. I've physically changed in the last 4 years, and a lot emotionally too. But, he wants Tashi from 2008- and he wants to be the Wash from then too; without cancer.
It's hard and fuck awful.
He said there was more I could have done. "You could have played with me more! All the times I was watching tv with you, you were letting me rot instead of playing with me!!"
Not exactly true. I don't want to play with him, I can't- everything he wanted to do was in terms of "killing" the other person in the game; and even pretend I can't play or RPG when the goal is to "kill" my husband! Before cancer, sure, but post?NO FUCKING WAY.
Also, he's non-responsive! Most of the two years he was chemo sick, too tired to even speak to me let alone play a game or communicate what he wanted to me.
I brought friends in to play with him. He got 1-4 games a week! Just not against me, and I guess to him, that's what counted.
I have played with him. It just gets hard to want to "play" with someone who is acting like a 4 year old when I also have every single responsibility for two full adults to do as well.
He can't see how hard it is on me; mentally, emotionally, and even physically to care for him, to care for my dying husband. To watch the person I should have had 40 more years with die before my eyes, and have his personality and memories stripped away first. He just sees me pulling away and hates me for it.
He doesn't, he can't see that I have to give myself space, I have to let myself start to mourn NOW, or else, there will be no reason for me to stay alive when he dies.
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"Mourning NOW" is, (as you know, Tashi), such a complex, necessary, many-layered thing............ which, sadly, is gaining new, Emotionally-*Wrenching* Meaning (for you)............ every single day............ of these long weeks.
ReplyDeleteYour Dear Readers "mourn now" WITH you, as (I'm sure) many others in your & Wash's numerous circles of friends/family members are also currently doing.
Maybe even Leto and Aelphie are "mourning now" with you, too. I worry about both Aelphie and Leto, but Leto particularly, since he and Wash are so close. I found this genuinely excellent, pragmatic piece on "When Cats Grieve," 2004, written by Sarah Hartwell of Chelmsford, England:
http://www.messybeast.com/cat-grief.htm
Although my husband and I don't have any pets of our own, we do "invite in" a beautiful orange marmalade cat John----(routinely/sadly left out by his nearby owners to roam in our very immediate neighborhood)----who is very "attached" to my husband, as Leto is to Wash.
Prayers and gentle (((*hugs*))) to you, Tashi............
Tashi, you didn't do anything wrong. You've been a great spouse, and if Wash were still capable of understanding and appreciating that, he definitely would.
ReplyDelete*your* Wash is being invaded more and more, by demon ghost Wash. But I know, *your* Wash still does love you, and still does appreciate you, when he can break through. Each time. Every time.
ReplyDeleteIt's really like multiple personalities isn't it... 2 beings in one body. {{{HUGS}}}
He must be feeling the decline in his abilities and looking for an explanation. I wonder if another scan would be helpful just so that he had 'an explanation' for why he's struggling so. I know he does not want treatment.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there's no need to feel that you could have done more. You are awesome. People always question at times like this, that the person is accusing. But you are lovely.
Thank God for Hospice!
You don't know me, but I have been following your story since the Regretsy ruffians featured your story. I am touched deeply by your words, every day. Just know-some stranger out there in Illinois is thinking of you and sending you mental strength to make it through the day.
ReplyDeleteI have just sent a donation. I ask only that you use it to take care of youself right now.
ReplyDeleteYou are a heroine; what you are doing is beyond what anyone should have to face, and more than most would be able to. But this is not just to recognize your strength; this is to allow you to maintain it for both of you.
Find a way to get yourself some rest, and if at all possible, some peace.